leaned in to kiss the corner of my mouth. “You’ve got the most beautiful lips, Lucy Lu.”
I laughed. I’d never thought of my lips as beautiful before—too big for my face, maybe, but hardly beautiful. This moment was so perfect I didn’t want to say anything. I just pulled him close to me again and buried my face in the side of his neck, inhaling his scent so I would remember it forever. I felt so safe here in the dark of the cafe. Right here and right now, I could be the mysterious girl that Josh liked with the beautiful lips and no curfew.
As I leaned into him, I could feel Teddy B. bunched up under my jacket. I jumped down from the counter to face Josh, keeping one hand on my side so Teddy B. wouldn’t slip out. I could explain away a lot of things, but having a homemade teddy bear under my jacket would really be pushing it.
I’m tall, but Josh had a good three inches on me as we stood facing each other in the dark. I eased my hands up his shirt and felt his back muscles moving under his warm skin. We were swaying slightly, like we were dancing to music only we could hear. I wanted to stay here and do this very same thing every day for the next hundred years.
“Can we do this again?” Josh said, like he was reading my mind. He put both arms around my back and kissed me behind one ear.
The sensation was so strong that I pulled back slightly. “Which part?” I asked.
“All of it,” he answered. “I have to work until noon—will you meet me after?”
I started to say yes, and then the reality of what would be happening by noon hit me. By then, Sara would have found out what had happened to Mom, and the police would have been there for hours. Probably they would still be trying to get her out of that mess—amid curious neighbors and television crews who would want to document the process for the late news. By noon tomorrow, I’d be Garbage Girl again, for sure, and I’d lose all of this . . . all of him.
Josh pulled back so he could see my face. “Is that a yes, or a no?” he asked. To his credit, he looked genuinely worried.
“I really want to,” I whispered. Even in the dim light, his face blurred as tears sprung into my eyes. I wanted it to be yes with all my heart. But I knew that by noon tomorrow it would be no. Josh reached up and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and smiled at me, his dimples flashing and the warmth in his eyes making me feel safe and protected. I tried to make this one of those moments you can go back to forever—the feel of his skin under the palm of my hand, the throb of his heart beating at the base of his neck. I inhaled again to try to imprint his scent on my memory, but remembering these things was going to make them even harder to lose.
I tried to stay focused, but the image of the crowds in front of my house wouldn’t go away. I wondered if Josh would be there too—gaping through the open door at the piles of filth that would always be a part of me. Even a guy like him wouldn’t be able to get over my big secret. I didn’t know if I could stand to see the look of disgust in his eyes and know that I’d lost the safety of his arms forever.
A digital clock above the espresso machine said 4:23. If I could just be me, alone, without the weight of Mom and the house hanging around my neck and pulling me down, everything would be perfect. In the movies, this would be the scene where the screen would fade to black—the house would disappear, leaving me untouched and able to face my future with Josh. If only this were one of those movies.
I traced my finger along his jawline, losing everything but the sensation of his body as it pressed against mine in the dark. The ache in my heart was so heavy my breath came in short, quiet gasps. Josh planted his hands firmly on my hips, his lips reaching for mine again, and I began to melt into the moment, the final moments of the last normal night of my life. If only the house
I pulled back from Josh’s arms as the image hit me. I’d watched it a million times, but never thought of it as the answer until now. It was perfect. There was a way to save us all, but I had to work fast.
Josh’s fingers were interlaced with mine as I stepped backward. “I have to go,” I said. I let go and zipped my jacket up tighter.
He grabbed my hand and kissed my palm. “Are you sure? I have to be back here at seven, so I was thinking we could just hang out until then. I don’t care about losing a little sleep.”
Turning around, I kissed him hard on the mouth. He didn’t know it then, but it was a promise. Maybe someday I could tell him what really went on tonight. Someday after. Right now, I had to keep this version of Lucy real for him and for me. “I’m sure.”
I waited nervously while he put everything back and turned off the light. Now that I had it all figured out I didn’t want to waste any time. His car was freezing, and I huddled in the front seat blowing on my hands while he warmed it up.
“I live just around the corner,” I said, pointing up ahead.
He glanced at me while he drove. “I know where you live, Lucy Lu.”
“You do?”
“Yep,” he said, and grinned.
We kissed for another minute parked in front of the house. “I’ll walk you to the door,” Josh said, unbuckling his seat belt.
“No, really,” I said quickly. “It’s fine. You stay here—it’s freezing outside.”
“I’m not cold,” he said, and reached over to kiss me again. It was going to be so hard to climb out of the car and walk away. I untangled myself from his arms and opened the door. I had to stay focused and not lose my nerve.
“Later? After work, okay—meet me there?” he asked. “I’ll take you to lunch at the Paradise.”
I nodded, kissed him one last time, and turned to walk quickly up the front steps. I had never felt so good and so bad at the same time. As I reached the door, I could hear his car idling, but I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want him to see the tears that had started rolling down my face. I didn’t have time for tears once I got inside. If I wanted any more nights like this, I had no other choice.
chapter 19
4:45 a.m.
