The other weird thing was that Celeste Fletcher seemed pretty friendly with Shinefield, though he was still Syndie Duffy’s boyfriend as far as I knew. When Syndie Duffy left to go to the bathroom or smoke, Shinefield would move even closer to Celeste Fletcher and touch her butt, acting like it was accidental. I couldn’t tell whether she was in on it.
Maybe Syndie Duffy and Celeste Fletcher had switched boyfriends or something. I’m not sure how dating politics works in the subnormal/drama world, so I could be misread-ing it. Clearly, though, on some level what we were seeing was the emergence of a new girl trio, out of the ashes of the Sisterhood. The question was, would Celeste Fletcher or Syndie Duffy end up as the dominant girl? My money was on Celeste Fletcher, because her open flirtation with Shinefield really did seem to give her the upper hand. Yasmynne 285
Schmick, of course, would be a #3 till the end of her days, but I was glad she was there. She was always nice and usually funny and generally seemed so happy to see me.
Much of the raw information about Mr. Teone’s activities and the Chi-Mos’ continuing influence at Hillmont came from the conversation between me and this weird-ass group.
I was kind of woozy and fuzzy, and the drama people were, no doubt, totally high. Sam Hellerman was ass addled. Yet somehow we figured out a way to exchange information, though I didn’t manage to tease out all the implications till I’d had a chance to think it all over during the next few days. It was a pretty interesting topic. The whole time, though, I was holding Sam Hellerman’s envelopes, dying to know what was inside them, but realizing that he had sealed them for a reason, and that I couldn’t open them till everybody had left.
I’ll say one thing: Shinefield was a true fan. He couldn’t stop talking about the Chi-Mos and the Festival of Lights and the zine. He had started to call me Chi-Bro. I kid you not.
The girls didn’t pay too much attention to the band talk, but even they said some nice things, too. I mean, it was ridiculous. We had sucked, probably worse than any band that had ever played at any high school ever. But I guess running the associate principal out of town, even accidentally, counts for a lot.
Just being in a band counts, too. I’m convinced of that. By my calculations, girls find you around fifteen percent more attractive and worth their attention if you’re in a band than they do if you’re not. It works with subnormal/drama girls, anyway. And apparently, in a different way, of course, it can even work with your own ordinarily ill-tempered sister; it doesn’t appear to have much effect on your mom, though.
Fifteen percent may not sound like much, but it feels quite substantial when you start the game at close to zero.
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* * *
ventually they left, and Sam Hellerman gave me a “we’ll talk later” look as he followed Celeste Fletcher’s ass past the curtain and out the door. I tore open the first envelope.
It contained $240, my share of the proceeds from the song zine. On the twenty-dollar bill on top of the stack, he had written “Keep making me money, kid.” Which was from some movie, I’m pretty sure. Anyhow, it was kind of funny.
More money than I had ever had at one time. Liquid assets.
Which is not a bad band name if you think about it. Hey, we’re the Liquid Assets, and this one’s called “Pheromone City. . . .”
I would have been happy if the other envelope had contained more money, but it was a lot thinner, and I could tell by feeling it that inside were a few sheets of folded paper.
Documents, information of some kind. I slid my thumb through the flap.
STI LL NOT D ON E LOVI NG YOU, MAMA
Before I got a chance to see what was in Sam Hellerman’s second envelope, I heard Mr. Aquino begin to moan, and then to wheeze. I hurriedly shoved both envelopes back under my pillow. To my surprise, Celeste Fletcher came back in.
“They’re getting the car,” she said. “I was hoping I could get your autograph.”
I was surprised, to say the least. Or maybe it was here, rather than before, like I said, that I made the calculation that girls like you fifteen percent more when you’re in a band. Or no, it was right after that, when she handed me a Sharpie, and then, instead of offering the zine or a piece of paper for me to sign like I had expected, leaned over and pulled her shirt 287
down. She wanted me to sign her tits. I had heard of this before, but come on: how many ordinary guys in lousy high school rock bands ever land in this situation, let alone King Dork? It’s not supposed to happen. You know, thinking about it, it’s really more like at least twenty-five percent. What was I thinking? Maybe more like forty-four percent, actually. Give or take.
She was pretty demure and tasteful about it, but she also did it smoothly, as though she’d done it many times before. I mean, she pulled the neck of her scoopy T-shirt down and to the left but not low enough to expose the nipple, and simultaneously pushed the breast up from below with her palm, so that the top of it bulged out and up. My guess is that that’s not the sort of thing you do well the first time you try it. I don’t know if you can picture it, but trust me: it looked fucking amazing.
“Certainly,” I said, trying to act as though I had done this many times as well, though my shaking hands probably gave me away. I hadn’t touched too many breasts, you know. This was only number four, by my calculations.
So I leaned forward and wrote in a spidery hand: “Best wishes, Thomas Charles Henderson.”
She said thanks. But as she was turning to leave, she pulled her top out and glanced down and said, haltingly,
“Trombone Chablis Ampersand?” I guess my handwriting was even shakier than I thought. They didn’t cover breast autographs in third-grade penmanship, you see, though maybe they should have.
I explained that that was my real name, well, pretty close, anyway. Clearly, though, she knew me as Chi-Mo, and wanted my autograph because I was one of the Chi-Mos, and hey, I might as well face it, I was as much Chi-
