Hogfather

coveted its neighbour's polyps. It had never gambled or drunk strong liquor. It had never bothered itself with questions like “Why am I here?” because it had no concept at all of “here” or, for that matter, of “I”.

Nevertheless, something was cut free under the surgical edge of the scythe and vanished in the roiling waters.

Death carefully put the instrument away and stood up. All was well, things were functioning satisfactorily, and —

— but they weren't.

In the same way that the best of engineers can hear the tiny change that signals a bearing going bad long before the finest of instruments would detect anything wrong, Death picked up a discord in the symphony of the world. It was one wrong note among billions but all the more noticeable for that, like a tiny pebble in a very large shoe.

He waved a finger in the waters. For a moment a blue, door-shaped outline appeared He stepped through it and was gone.

The tube creatures didn't notice him go.

They hadn't noticed him arrive. They never ever noticed anything.

A cart trundled through the freezing foggy streets, the driver hunched in his seat. He seemed to be all big thick brown overcoat.

A figure darted out of the swirls and was suddenly on the box next to him.

‘Hi!’ it said. ‘My name's Teatime. What's yours?’

‘'ere, you get down, I ain't allowed to give li—’

The driver stopped. It was amazing how Teatime had been able to thrust a knife through four layers of thick clothing and stop it just at the point where it pricked the flesh.

‘Sorry?’ said Teatime, smiling brightly.

‘Er — there ain't nothing valuable, y'know, nothing valuable, only a few bags of—’

‘Oh, dear,’ said Teatime, his face a sudden acre of concern. ‘Well, we'll just have to see, won't we… What is your name, sir?’

‘Ernie. Er. Ernie,’ said Ernie. ‘Yes. Ernie. Er… ’

Teatime turned his head slightly.

‘Come along, gentlemen. This is my friend Ernie. He's going to be our driver for tonight.’

Ernie saw half a dozen figures emerge from the fog and climb into the cart behind him. He didn't turn to look at them. By the pricking of his kidneys he knew this would not be an exemplary career move. But it seemed that one of the figures, a huge shambling mound of a creature, was carrying a long bundle over its shoulder. The bundle moved and made muffled noises.

‘Do stop shaking, Ernie. We just need a lift,’ said Teatime, as the cart rumbled over the cobbles.

‘Where to, mister?’

‘Oh, we don't mind. But first, I'd like you to stop in Sator Square, near the second fountain.’

The knife was withdrawn. Ernie stopped trying to breathe through his ears.

‘Er…’

‘What is it? You do seem tense, Ernie. I always find a neck massage helps.’

‘I ain't rightly allowed to carry passengers, see Charlie'll give me a right telling-off…’

‘Oh, don't you worry about that,’ said Tea time, slapping him on the back. ‘We're all friends here!’

‘What're we bringing the girl for?’ said a voice behind them.

‘'s not right, hittin' girls,’ said a deep voice. ‘Our mam said no hittin' girls. Only bad boys do that, our mam said!

‘You be quiet, Banjo.’

‘Our mam said—’

‘Shssh! Ernie here doesn't want to listen to our troubles,’ said Teatime, not taking his gaze off the driver.

‘Me? Deaf as a post, me,’ burbled Ernie, who in some ways was a very quick learner. ‘Can't hardly see more'n a few feet, neither. Got no recollection for them faces that I do see, come to that. Bad memory? Hah! Talk about bad memory. Cor, sometimes I can be like as it were on the cart, talking to people, hah, just like I'm talking gone, hah, remember anything about them or how many they were or what they were carrying or anything about any to you now, and then when they're try as I might, do you think I car girl or anything?’ By this time his voice was a highpitched wheeze. ‘Hah! Sometimes I forget me own name!’

‘It's Ernie, isn't it?’ said Teatime, giving him a happy smile. ‘Ah, and here we are. Oh dear. There seems to be some excitement.’

There was the sound of fighting somewhere ahead, and then a couple of masked trolls ran past with three Watchmen after them. They all ignored the cart.

‘I heard the De Bris gang were going to have a go at Packley's strongroom tonight,’ said a voice behind Ernie.

‘Looks like Mr Brown won't be joining us, then,’ said another voice. There was a snigger.

‘Oh, I don't know about that, Mr Lilywhite, I don't know about that at all,’ said a third voice, and this one was from the direction of the fountain. ‘Could you take my bag while I climb up, please? Do be careful, it's a little heavy.’

It was a neat little voice. The owner of a voice like that kept his money in a shovel purse and always counted his change carefully. Ernie thought all this, and then tried very hard to forget that he had.

‘On you go, Ernie,’ said Teatime. ‘Round behind the University, I think.’

As the cart rolled on, the neat little voice said, ‘You grab all the money and then you get out very smartly. Am I right?’

There was a murmur of agreement.

‘Learned that on my mother's knee, yeah.’

‘You learned a lot of stuff across your ma's knee, Mr Lilywhite.’

‘Don't you say nuffin' about our mam!’ The voice was like an earthquake.

‘This is Mr Brown, Banjo. You smarten up.’

‘He dint ort to tork about our mam!’

‘All right! All right! Hello, Banjo… I think I may have a sweet somewhere… Yes, there you are. Yes, your ma knew the way all right. You go in quietly, you take your time, you get what you came for and you leave smartly and in good order. You don't hang around at the scene to count it out and tell one another what brave lads you are, am I right?’

‘You seem to have done all right, Mr Brown.’ The cart rattled towards the other side of the square.

‘Just a little for expenses, Mr Catseye. A little Hogswatch present, you might say. Never take the lot and run. Take a little and walk. Dress neat. That's my motto. Dress neat and walk away slowly. Never run. Never run. The Watch'll always chase a running man. They're like terriers for giving chase. No, you walk out slow, you walk round the corner, you wait till there's a lot of excitement, then you turn around and walk back. They can't cope with that, see. Half the time they'll stand aside to let you walk past. “Good evening, officers,” you say, and then you go home for your tea.’

‘Wheee! Gets you out of trouble, I can see that. If you've got the nerve.’

‘Oh, no, Mr Peachy. Doesn't get you out of. Keeps You out of.’

It was like a very good schoolroom, Ernie thought (and immediately tried to forget). Or a back-street gym when a champion prizefighter had just strolled in.

‘What's up with your mouth, Banjo?’

‘He lost a tooth, Mr Brown,’ said another voice, and sniggered.

‘Lost a toot, Mr Brown,’ said the thunder that was Banjo.

‘Keep your eyes on the road, Ernie,’ said Teatime beside him. ‘We don't want an accident, do we…’

The road here was deserted, despite the bustle of the city behind them and the bulk of the University nearby. There were a few streets, but the buildings were abandoned. And something was happening to the sound. The rest of Ankh-Morpork seemed very far away, the sounds arriving as if through quite a thick wall. They were entering that