Jingo

The Klatchian takes out a tiny stool, which he sits in front of the piano. He then reaches into his robes and pulls out a box, about a foot long, with tiny air-holes in it. He takes off the lid and inside is a tiny man, fast asleep. As the lid opens he wakes up. Instantly he jumps to the piano and plays a perfect rendition of ‘The Shades of Ankh-Morpork’! Then, as everyone in the bar is clapping, he jumps back into the box and closes the lid.

“Wow!” The publican says, and wipes the slate clean. “If I give you another drink, could you do it again?” The Klatchian agrees. This time the little man plays the Hedgehog song, to thunderous applause.

“I gotta ask, where did you get that?”

“Well, a few months ago I was travelling across the deserts of Klatch, when I suddenly came across a glass bottle. I picked it up and rubbed it and lo and behold, out popped a Genie. For some reason it was holding a curved bone to his ear and talking to it.”

“‘Genie,’ I said to him, ‘I have freed you, and in return I ask only three wishes.’”

“‘Huh?’ The genie said, looking at me for the first time. ‘Oh, OK, three, whatever.’ He then started talking to the bone again.”

“‘Genie, I would like a million bucks!’ I said to him.”

“Did you get it?”

“Not exactly. The genie kept talking to the bone and he waved one of his hands. Instantly, I was surrounded by a million ducks. Then they flew away.”

“What was your second wish?”

“I said to him: ‘I want to be the ruler the world!’ the Genie was still talking to his bone, but he waved his free hand and a piece of wood appeared, with inches marked on it.”

“Oh, a ruler. It sounds like the genie wasn't paying much attention. Did you get your third wish?”

“Let me put it like this: do you really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?”

84

Another Tommy Cooper reference.

85

The most famous example in our world is Alexandria, built by Alexander the Great.

86

A reference to Shelley's sonnet Ozymandias.

Ozymandias was the Greek name for Ramses the Second. Percy Bysshe Shelley's poem Ozymandias is famous, and because it is short here it is in full:

Ozymandias

I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert… Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that their sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal these words appear:
‘My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!’
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

87

British officers in the First World War, when encouraging their men to go over the top, would quip that “We'll be eating tea and cakes in Berlin at teatime.” (Captain Blackadder observed irritably that “Everyone wants to eat out as soon as they get there”.)

88

See Pyramids for the Discworld convention on the naming of camels.

89

In 1914, the Kaiser apparently made a similar observation of the British Expeditionary Force sent to oppose the German advance through Belgium. The soldiers later proudly adopted the name ‘Old Contemptibles’.

90

Judging from the name, this could be one of Leonard's creations — but actually we've learned in Soul Music that this particular invention was the work of Ponder Stibbons at Unseen University.

91

There's a famous but true story of how, on Christmas Day 1914, troops from British and German units came out of the trenches and played football in No-Man's Land.