he’d give me another spanking. Dock said I could come inside his house and wash off. He let me take a bath while he washed my clothes. He told me how lonely he was all by himself.”
Hildie closed her eyes tightly.
“I went back the next day and the next. He’d give me crackers and honey…”
Hildie clenched her hands. Her daughter had always loved baths. Hildie remembered being so tired by the end of the day; she’d wash Carolyn quickly, efficiently, like a nurse with a patient. Just get the job done. “Don’t dawdle, Carolyn,” she’d say. “It’s time for bed.” Hildie had been so tired, afraid she would get sick again. She needed to get some rest.
“Dock put the lid down on the toilet and talked to me while I was in the tub. He’d tell me stories.” She closed her eyes tightly. “Later…”
The fire cracked. The rain drummed on the roof. A pulse beat in Hildie’s head.
“What happened later?”
“He washed me.”
Hildie fought rage and sorrow. What had she been doing that had been so important she hadn’t noticed her daughter missing? Was she tending the vegetable garden? planting walnut trees? hanging up laundry? Busy, always busy with something! There had always been something to do. Charlie had been off on his bike visiting friends. She’d assumed her quiet, timid little girl was close by, picking flowers, making mud pies, watching butterflies. How could she have been so blind?
“We played games.”
Hildie bit her lip. She and Trip had moved to the country so their children would be safe, so they’d have plenty of fresh air and sunshine. She felt sick with premonition, but had to know. “What sort of games, Carolyn?”
“Secret games, he called them. Touching games.” Carolyn spoke so softly.
Hildie gave a soft sob and pressed her hands over her mouth. Carolyn glanced up sharply, eyes wide. She looked down quickly, putting her arms over her head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Her body shook.
When Carolyn tried to get up, Hildie reached out and pulled her back against her legs, pinning her there, arms wrapped around her. Sobbing, she rested her head on Carolyn’s until she could speak. “It’s not your fault, honey. It’s mine.” She felt a shudder go through Carolyn and held on tighter. “It’s my fault, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”
Carolyn started to cry again, body relaxing, giving in. Hildie didn’t let go of her. She stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head. She hadn’t been there when her little girl needed her, and she might never be able to forgive herself for that. But she could try to comfort the woman in her arms now.
Carolyn wiped her face with her sleeve. “I knew I wasn’t supposed to go there, Mom, but he was nice to me. He held me and kissed me and said he loved me.” She gulped down a sob. “I was stupid. I was so stupid!”
“You weren’t stupid. You were a
“He didn’t hurt me until the last time. And then there was blood, a lot of blood, and he cried. I was so scared. And he wouldn’t let me go until I promised… He said we’d both be in big trouble if I told anyone what we’d been playing. At first, he told me not to come back. Then he came to my window that night and said he loved me. He wanted me to be his little girl. He said he was going to look for a safe place for us. I’d know when he found it because he’d leave some honey at the front door. I don’t think I dreamed it all. It was so real.”
Horror filled Hildie. That man would have kidnapped Carolyn. She and Trip never would’ve found her.
“That’s why you crept into Charlie’s room and slept with him.”
“Yes, and when you told me to stop, I’d hide in my closet.” She shuddered and moved away slightly so they could face one another. “I heard you and Dad talking about Dock. I was afraid you’d figured out what I’d done and I would be in trouble. But you never did.”
Hildie wanted to reach out again and pull her daughter close. She wanted to brush her hair the way she had when Carolyn was a toddler. She ached for the time lost, hating the disease that had made her push her daughter away in the first place. She couldn’t bear the thought of her precious little girl living in fear, having nightmares about the monster next door, allowing only Oma inside the walls she built to protect herself. Had Mama known? Surely she would have said something!
Hildie’s arms ached to simply hold her. But it was important to keep talking, to get it all out in the open. “Lee Dockery was killed in an accident, Carolyn.”
“When?” Carolyn looked up at her, face pale and strained.
“A few weeks after your nightmares started. No one disappears without a reason. Dad knew something had happened to him. He went over to see if he’d had a heart attack or something. He went into the house and found everything in order.”
Hildie leaned forward, clasping her hands tensely, uncertain how her daughter would take what she had to tell her. “Lee Dockery’s place stood vacant until the bank repossessed the property and sold it at auction. A year after the new family moved in, a couple of boys found Lee Dockery’s truck in a ravine down in Niles Canyon. Apparently, he’d swerved off the road and gone over the edge where it wouldn’t have been seen from the road.”
“Was Dock in the car?”
What was left of him, after the animals had gotten to his body and time had stripped his flesh. “Yes, he was. So were his bees.” They’d built a hive inside the cab of his truck.
Carolyn let out a long breath and closed her eyes. Her face looked serene. “All those years, I thought he’d come and take me away.”
“He would have, Carolyn. God protected you.”
“I know.”
“Did Charlie know about Dock?”
“No.”
It hurt to ask, but she had to know. “Did you tell Oma?”
“No. The only person I ever told about Dock was Chel. And I was drunk at the time.”
Dawn winced at the growing pain. Gripping the edge of the dresser, she pulled herself up. It eased a little. She sat on the edge of the bed. She felt warm, but the chill made her breath visible. Her daughter kicked twice. Smiling, Dawn ran her hand over her belly. “Sorry I woke you up.” She took a pillow and put it at the end of the bed, then stretched out on her side so she could listen to Mom and Granny talk. She stroked her belly slowly, rhythmically. “They’re going to love you, sweetie.”
The sound of their voices filled her with hope for the future. “No tug-of-war this time.”
57
“Can we talk about what happened in Berkeley, Carolyn? Please.”
Carolyn braced her back against the other chair. Her mother hadn’t blamed her for what happened. She’d blamed Dock. Maybe it was time to get everything out in the open. Haight-Ashbury and all the rest.
“I wanted to end the war, Mom. I wanted to save Charlie. I didn’t care about school. It seemed pointless to attend classes when my brother was risking his life every minute of the day. So I quit and went on protest marches. When I wasn’t doing that, I drank to forget. All I could think about was trying to get Charlie out of Vietnam. And I failed. When Charlie died, I just lost it.”
“You were gone before you knew about Charlie.”
“No, I wasn’t.”
“Yes. You were. We called the day after the officers came to the house, and your phone was disconnected. We drove to Berkeley. Your neighbors said they hadn’t seen either of you in a while. The landlord was there. He said the place was trashed.”
“Oma called the day the soldiers came to the house. I knew what that meant. I remember screaming and Chel
