Just before Christopher’s first birthday, Mitch flabbergasted Dawn by asking if he could adopt her.
Her stepdad was the coolest guy she knew, and she loved him, but she was torn. She asked for some time to think about it. Her mother didn’t like that, but Dawn didn’t want to make a rash decision and hurt anyone’s feelings. She went out to Jenner by the Sea for the weekend and talked it over with her grandparents. She hoped they’d give their blessing.
Papa didn’t say much about it other than, “It’s up to you, honey.” Granny remained silent on the subject until the next morning, when she insisted she and Dawn go to the beach for a walk. They hadn’t gone to the beach in months, so Dawn knew Granny had something to say. Granny let loose in the car on the drive over. She reminded Dawn that Mitch wasn’t her father; that Papa had paid all the bills for the first five years of her life; Papa had rocked her to sleep. Papa had read stories to her; Papa had played with her. Of course, he’d been hurt when Dawn told him about Mitch’s offer. How could he not be? Of course, he’d hide his feelings and say it was up to Dawn! Granny parked and wiped tears away. Besides all that, Dawn was the last Arundel in the family. Yes, of course, she’d get married someday and take her husband’s name, but until then, it meant a lot to them.
Dawn couldn’t bear to hurt her grandparents, and she knew Mitch would understand.
When she came home, she told Mitch she was honored, but thought she’d like to leave things as they were. Mitch looked disappointed, but accepted her decision with grace. He even kissed her cheek. “Don’t worry about it.”
Her mother stood silent, eyes glacier blue. She opened her mouth to say something, then pressed her lips together and left the room without speaking. Mitch followed her, closing the door of the master suite behind them. Her mother talked then, loud enough for Dawn to hear the tone, but not the words.
Dawn tried to talk to her the next morning. She wanted to explain it had nothing to do with Mitch. She loved Mitch. “I’m sorry if you’re upset, Mom. I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”
“You don’t want to hurt Granny’s feelings. You don’t care who else you hurt.”
“Mitch seemed okay with it.”
“They’re your
“
Her mother blinked. “So you hurt Mitch to get back at me?”
“No!”
Mom turned her back and continued making Dawn’s bag lunch. She didn’t have to say she didn’t believe Dawn; her posture said it all.
“Can we talk about it, Mom?”
“Why? You made your decision. Everything will be the way Granny wants it, and it’ll stay that way. It always does.” She shoved the sandwich into a Baggie and put it in the paper bag. “You’d better get your stuff together, or you’ll be late for the bus.”
1985
Dawn struggled with feelings of ecstasy, anger, and misery. She had kicked the winning goal in the final junior high team championship soccer game, and Mom wasn’t even in the stands. Mitch had come. Her stepfather always made an effort to support her. Just once, couldn’t Mom make the effort, too-especially since this was the last and most important game of Dawn’s life? Of course, Mom would have an excuse. Chris always had something going on somewhere else. Mom hadn’t even bothered to show up at Mary’s Pizza Shack for the season-ending party. When Dawn and Mitch came into the kitchen, there they were, sitting at the table, Mom smiling over something Chris had said. She glanced up. “How’d it go?”
“Dawn kicked the winning goal. I got it all on film.”
“That’s great. Congratulations, Dawn. Chris’s game started late. We just got home. He wanted to stop at Burger King.”
Mitch ruffled Christopher’s curly red hair. “How’d you do, Tiger?”
“We lost.” Her little brother-still adorable at almost six-never got upset about anything. “Can we watch Dawn’s game?”
“Whenever you’re ready.”
Christopher was on his feet, hamburger forgotten. He and Mitch trooped into the family room while Mom gathered up the remains of their take-out meal. “You seem upset.”
“No, Mom. Why would I be?”
“Where are you going?”
“To my bedroom.”
“Aren’t you going to watch the game video?”
“I
Her mother stood at the trash compactor. “You had a cheering section. Mitch went. And Granny and Papa were there.”
“Why should it matter whether Granny and Papa are there? It’d be nice to have you and Chris at one of my games.”
“Well, Chris couldn’t come. His team needed him.”
“He’s in peewees! They play swarm ball! Just once, just for a couple of hours, couldn’t
“You came first for a long time, Dawn. Not that it ever mattered to anyone, especially you.”
Dawn gave up. Storming out of the kitchen, she went down the hall and slammed her bedroom door. She sat on the end of her bed and cried. Someone tapped on the door. Dawn shouted, “Go away!”
Sometimes she wished her mother would yell back instead of walking away-or responding in that cool, calm tone. Dawn wondered sometimes: How could she miss her mother so much when she’d never had her love in the first place?
26
1986
Dawn still felt adrift after nine months as a freshman. High school had turned out to be a complete bust. She’d gone from junior high Sky Hawks star soccer player to outcast and dweeb. The girls who had been her friends since second grade left her behind by mid-September, charging like forwards into new groups. Torie Keyes now ran with the Mexican gangbangers. Dawn saw her every day in the corridor, draped around Juan Alvarez like a bun around a hot dog. Susan Mackay hacked her hair into a butch, donned button-down shirts and black pants, and “came out of the closet” as a lesbian. Two other buddies from the Sky Hawks soccer team, Tiffany Myers and Leanne Stoddard, still hung out together. They smoked pot behind the modular buildings lining the football field. If Dawn wanted to go to a big party where booze and drugs and sex would be in abundance, all she had to do was ask Tiff and Lee. They’d know where to find one.
She scribbled more loops on her notepaper. Summer break loomed a week away with the promise of endless boredom.
She’d be stuck at home for three months without even Christopher’s company. Her little brother had an army of little buddies; hence, places to go and things to do. In addition to friends, Mom signed him up for swimming lessons and, not one, but four different vacation Bible schools. Why? Because he had four “best friends,” all in different churches, and he didn’t want to play favorites.
Even more annoying, Mom, who never went to church, would volunteer at every VBS. She’d take snacks, help with art projects, do whatever she could to be involved in Chris’s life. She acted like a mother bear sometimes, as though someone might snatch Christopher away and molest him.
Tossing the pen aside, Dawn rubbed her forehead. Thinking about her mother always brought on a stress
