“I don’t see what—”
“Not done. He was good at what he did. It was doing something he wasn’t as good at—When he deviated from his skill area, he got caught.”
“He murdered Greg and Kong in cold blood.” She shoved out of the chair. “You call that a deviation?”
He shrugged and went back to his wine.
“I don’t know what you’re getting at.”
“Because you’d rather be pissed.”
“Of course I’d rather be pissed. I’m human. I have feelings. I loved him. Haven’t you ever loved anyone?”
“Not that way.”
“Nina Abbott?”
“Jesus, no.”
There was just enough shocked derision in his tone to carry the truth. “It didn’t seem that far-out a question.”
“Look, she’s gorgeous, talented, sexy, smart.”
“Bitch.”
Pleased, he let out a short laugh. “You asked. I liked her, except when she was batshit crazy—which, looking back, was pretty damn regular. It was steam and smoke, then it was just drama. She liked the drama. No, she fucking loved the drama. I didn’t. That’s it.”
“I guess I assumed there was more than—”
“There wasn’t. And it’s not about me anyway.”
“So you just expect me to be logical and objective about Greg, about Perry, about this. I should be analytical when—”
“Be whatever the hell you want, but if you don’t
“If I have to. You’re mad,” she realized. “It’s hard to tell with you because you don’t always show it. You’ve been mad since you got here, but you’ve only let it sneak out a couple times.”
“We’re both better off that way.”
“Yeah, because otherwise you’re Simon Kick-Ass. You come here every night. There’s probably some mad in that, too.”
Considering, she picked up her wine again, walked to the post to lean back, study him as she drank. “You’ve got to stop what you’re doing, toss some things in a bag, drive over here. You don’t leave anything, except what you forget. Because you’re messy. It’s another thing you have to do every day.”
She’d managed to turn it around so it was about him after all, he realized. The woman had skills. “I don’t have to do anything.”
“That’s true.” She nodded, drank again. “Yeah, that’s true. You get a meal and sex out of it, but that’s not why you do it. Not altogether anyway. It has to irritate you, to some extent. I haven’t given you enough credit for that.”
“I don’t do it for credit either.”
“No, you don’t work on the point system. You don’t care about things like that. You do what you want, and if an obligation sneaks in—a dog, a woman—you figure out how to handle it and continue to do what you want. Problems are meant to be solved. Measure, cut, fit the pieces together until it works the way you want it to work.”
She lifted her glass, sipped again. “How’s that for looking at motivation?”
“Not bad, if this was about me.”
“Part of it is, for me. See, it was okay when this was an affair. This you and me. I never had one before, not really, so it was all new and shiny, sexy and easy. Really attractive guy who gives me the tingles. Enough in common and enough not to make it interesting. I like the way he is, and maybe partly because he’s so different from my usual. I think it’s the same with him about me. But that changes without me realizing it—or at least without me admitting it. Affair becomes relationship.”
She sipped again, let out a little sigh. “That’s what we have here, Simon. We’re in a relationship whether either of us wanted it or were ready for it. And as stupid as it is, as useless and wrong as it is, part of me feels disloyal to Greg. So I’d rather be pissed. I’d rather not admit I’m not having an affair with you, a no-problem, casual little fling I can walk away from anytime.”
She watched the dogs scramble off the porch like runners at the starting gun, then bound around the side of the house.
“I guess you’re going to have to remeasure and refit. That’s dinner. We should eat inside. It’s cooling off.”
She walked into the house, leaving him wondering how the hell the conversation had flipped on him.
In the kitchen, Fiona gave the pasta a quick buzz in the microwave. By the time Simon came in, she’d dumped the spaghetti in a bowl, set the garlic bread on a small plate and brought the wine to the table.
When she turned with dinner plates in her hands, he took her by the shoulders. “I’ve got some say in what this is.”
“Okay. What is it?”
“I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”
She waited. Waited another moment. “Are you figuring it out now?”
“No.”
“Then we should eat before I have to heat it up again.”
“I’m not competing with a ghost.”
“No. No, believe me, Simon, I know it’s not fair. He was my first, in every way.” She set the plates down, crossed over to get the flatware, napkins. “And the way I lost him left scars. There hasn’t been anyone since who was important enough to make me take a good look at those scars. I didn’t know that’s what I’d have to do when I started falling for you. I think I’m in love with you. It’s not like it was with Greg, so it’s confusing, but I think that’s what it is, going on with me. And that’s a dilemma for both of us.”
She topped off both glasses of wine. “So I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know when you figure it out on your end.”
“That’s it?” he demanded. “Oops, we’re in a relationship, and by the way, I think I’m in love with you. Let me know what you think?”
She sat, tipped her face up to look at him. “That pretty much sums it up. Love’s always been a positive in my life.” She scooped some spaghetti onto his plate. “It adds and enhances and opens all sorts of possibilities. But I’m not stupid, and I know that if you can’t or don’t feel it for me, it’ll be painful. That’s a dilemma. I also know you can’t force love, or demand it. And I’ve already dealt with the worst. If you can’t or don’t love me, it’ll hurt. But I’ll get through it. Besides, maybe I’m wrong.”
She took a portion of pasta. “I was wrong about being in love with Josh Clatterson.”
“Who the hell is Josh Clatterson?”
“Sprinter.” She wound pasta around her fork. “I pined for him for nearly two years—tenth and eleventh grade, and the summer between. But it turned out it wasn’t love. I just liked the way he looked when he ran the twenty-yard dash. So maybe I just like the way you look, Simon, and how you smell of sawdust half the time.”
“You haven’t seen me run the twenty-yard dash.”
“True. I might be sunk if I ever do.” When he finally sat down, she smiled. “I’m going to try to be logical and objective.”
“It seems to me you’re doing a damn good job at it already.”
“About you and me? I guess it’s a defense mechanism.”
He frowned, ate. “It doesn’t work as a defense once you tell me it’s a defense.”
“That’s a good point. Well, too late. I meant logical and so forth about Perry and what’s going on now. You were right about that, about the importance of understanding motivation. He didn’t try to kill me just because. I
