I reached down to tug off the last article of clothing that kept me from entering paradise. Tiffany caught my hands, and with surprising strength forced them back to the bed. The cute little face shifted and the new one was a bit slimmer and definitely sexier.
'Not so fast.' She bounced up and down a couple of times and a groan escaped my lips. 'You're not an Animate. Once you explode, you're no good to little Tiffany.'
I tried to grab her shoulders and roll her under me, but she wasn't having any of it. Her strength was all out of proportion to her size, and I was easily outclassed.
'Oh, you want to try another position?' Her features flowed around her face and suddenly I was looking at a face that looked very doglike. She had a little snout and her hairstyle was now dog ears, but you could still see Tiffany's features. My mouth dropped open and she bent down and licked my nose with a tongue like sandpaper.
'How about. doggy style?' Tiffany threw her head back and did a sort of barking laugh. The features shifted into a caricature of an African native. 'Or maybe. missionary?'
The changes were playing havoc with my lust, and part of me began to wilt. It was not a pleasant look that crossed the face above me. 'You better not be going soft on me, or I'll try something you might not like.'
My imagination stalled at the threat, but it didn't help the little pointer. Tiffany saw the problem and the next change was much more human; in fact, it was the best look yet. Her raven black hair grew longer till it covered her face and tits. Once more I had lead in the pencil and she was a happy Animate.
'Look who's back.' She slid down my legs, and the shorts went south for the winter. I, or at least part of me, sprang to attention. She peered through all the black hair and began little nibbling kisses at my toes and moved upward toward my exclamation mark.
I was thrashing like mad and trying to get ahold of her. I didn't want to wait another second. All I wanted was to be inside her and ride off into the sunset. Trouble was, I just couldn't get ahold of anything. She'd shake me off, or what I grabbed flowed between my fingers and left me empty-handed.
'Please,' I said in a very strained voice, 'Tiffany, hurry up or I'm going to die.'
'Relax, you can't die from blue balls.' She stopped torturing me for a minute and looked at me quizzically. 'Do you think we Animates will ever come in colors like you Reals?'
I screamed and grabbed her. This time she stayed solid and I thrust her down on the mattress. Her legs flew open and my arrow went right into the bull's-eye. I don't know if she was fooling with reality or if it was just me, but rockets went off, there were fireworks, and for some reason, I could picture a train hurtling into a dark tunnel. It was earthshaking and over in an eternity; at least it felt like that to me.
The earth spun for a while, and when it stopped I was lying on my back gasping for air. Tiffany ran a hand over my chest and I shivered happily. I reached over to her and noticed that while I was covered in sweat, she was still dry as a bone. Inky black eyes gazed down at me and I drifted toward sleep. She shook me.
'Don't doze off on me, boobsie. That was great, but not nearly enough.' She slid her hand between my legs and fondled the victim of hit-and-run sex.
'You're too much, Tiffany. Let me rest a little bit and I'll spring back for you.' I started to flop down on the bed, but I hit my head on a hard surface. I turned around and saw the mattress was gone, and we were now on a wooden table.
'I said, I'm still horny. I'm horny now, and I don't feel like waiting for some limp-dicked Real to recover.' Her edges looked harder and her face was becoming more severe.
'I want to, but I can't work miracles.' I started to slide off the table, but she pinned me down. The handcuffs were back and ready to be used. Down at the end of the table was another pair. I figured this had to be the weirdness that Mack had warned me about. But I was wrong — this was a walk in the park compared to what was about to happen.
'Please, I have to go now.' I tried to shake loose again, but no luck.
'Too late, sweetie, you've already come. too early to go. If you can't satisfy one way, then I guess you'll just have to be flexible.'
Struggling wasn't doing me any good. She had a tight grip on my wrists and a leg over my waist to hold me down. Sex had retreated a long way from my mind, and fear was banging on the door to get in. Then she started to change again.
Her face stayed the same, but her body was flowing into new formations. The shoulders got broader, arms thickened, and there seemed to be more than two. I could feel her legs changing, and not for the better. It felt like she had coarse fur, and something like a claw scratched me.
It was then that I felt it — between her legs it was still hot, but now there was a bunch of writhing things growing down there.
I struggled upright to see what I already knew. The face was still the Kewpie doll I had just had sex with, but the body wasn't even remotely human anymore. My eyes popped open, and if I'd been an Animate, they would have rolled out onto the floor. Tiffany had parts I'd never seen anywhere before, and they were growing larger by the second.
'Like I said, if you can't get me off one way.. I'll have do something else to get my kicks.'
She let go of one wrist to reach for a set of handcuffs. I screamed and thrashed with all my might and bucked her/it off of me. I hit the floor running toward the door. The room whirled and the exit now looked about a mile away.
'Give it up, sweetie. You're not going anywhere. Just relax. Hell, you might even enjoy it more than the last one did.' A chair stuck a leg out to trip me, and a lamp cord slithered across the floor like a snake.
I just kept running and eventually got to the door. Out of breath and too terrified to look back at what might be gaining on me, I grabbed for the doorknob, but it slid across the surface of the door and out of my grasp.
'Knobby, don't you dare let him out of here till I'm through with him.' The Tiffany creature was up and the room reverted to normal dimensions. It started toward me and its appendages almost reached to its chest. They were very white, very thick, and very, very frightening.
'Please,' I said to the doorknob, 'let me out.'
It made a face and slid to the other side of the door. 'No way, buddy. I want to watch this.'
'Pervert!' I clutched at it again and missed. Behind me I heard Tiffany moving slowly and deliberately toward me. There was a weighty thump at each step and a sound like something heavy dragging behind it. My mind raced and an idea came to me.
I looked up at the door and cried, 'What a set of knockers!'
Knobby, the doorknob, stopped sliding all over the place and tried to look up to see what door knockers I was talking about. While he was distracted, I grabbed the knob and wrenched the door open. Then I ran like a thief into the hallway.
Behind me I heard a scream of pain from Knobby and one of rage and frustration from Tiffany. Both were music to my ears.
I ran onto the lot buck naked and didn't stop till I reached my apartment, where I threw my things in a bag and caught the next train out of Hollywoodland. Didn't care where I was going, just so long as it was far away from anyplace that had Animates.
That was years ago. I settled back East in a boring, but safe and sane job. I married a nice girl who doesn't change shape when we make love, at least not any more than anyone else does.
We've been married for years and we have three great kids. I'm lucky; the three boys think I'm just about the best dad in the whole world. We do everything together; well. almost everything.
Even though it's been more years than I can count, there are just some things I'm never going to be able to do with them. I'm never going to take them to an Animated movie and I'm never going to be able to explain to them why I get the shakes every Saturday morning when they turn on the television.
And now there is a new horror — cable. All those channels, all those choices. And hidden somewhere among them, lurking, waiting for me… I know she's out there.
Maybe I can get my kids interested in reading.
HANDYMAN
