Seeds of Fear

Mark examined the saddened faces of Beth's parents as they stared back at him from a rocker and a straight-back chair near the fireplace. 'I was at the funeral,' he said softly. 'I wanted to talk to you then, but it wasn't the right place. I wanted to see the house again, and remember the way she was.' Mrs. Arvin sniffled; her husband hawked a hoarse cough.

I need to date other guys. You're the only boyfriend I've ever had.

'It's all been.. such a shock,' she muttered.

Mark shifted on the sofa and exhaled deeply. 'You lost her a couple of weeks ago, but for me it's been a lifetime,' he said. 'I've never hurt so badly in all my life as the day we broke up.' Tears leaked from his eyes.

Mr. Arvin mumbled something incoherently as Mark continued. 'She's never been far from my thoughts, though.' He stopped to sniffle and clear his throat. 'That's why I'm here. I want to know what I missed in her life after we broke up. She never confided in me. She didn't understand how much she meant to me.' He paused for a deep breath. 'If you don't mind, I'd like to see some photos, and swap stories about her with you. It could be sort of like a private memorial service, just between the three of us. One last tribute to her. I owe her at least that much.'

Mrs. Arvin sniffled again. 'Well…' she began, 'it's only been a week since… the funeral…'

'I understand,' he whispered, a lingering moment of tension electrifying the atmosphere, 'but I've got to pay homage to her in some way. After all we've been through, I think she'd expect it.' Mr. Arvin finally stood and ambled feebly to his wife's side.

'We've got to face up to it, Evelyn,' he said. 'It don't do no good to hide our feelings.' He reached toward a nearby bookcase and removed a photo album, then laid it to rest atop the unopened envelopes on the coffee table in front of Mark. 'She was our baby,' he mumbled in a gruff voice. 'Always will be.'

Mark leaned over and flipped open the cover. Mrs. Arvin sat stiffly in her chair, finally muttering, 'I can't look at the pictures yet. I'm just not ready.'

But already selfishly engrossed in the photographs, Mark didn't hear her as he scanned the pages, observing the maturation of a woman with whom he'd always been so desperately in love. Yet these photos spanned a period of her life that began as many as ten or fifteen years after their breakup. 'Do you have any photos when she was younger?' he asked.

Without a response Mr. Arvin returned to the bookcase and searched for an older, more worn photo album. Mark tried not to show his excitement.

In the opening pages Beth was younger than when he'd first known her. In one faded photo she stood arm in arm with a friend at the beach, her bust not yet fully developed, but the features of her face becoming more like those of a young woman. He flipped ahead a couple of pages and stared face-to-face with the girl who had dominated his life from afar, whose memory had haunted him endlessly. He felt himself shiver, his reaction so intense.

Please don't call me anymore. I want you to leave me alone.

'She's in high school there,' Mr. Arvin said, pointing to a picture at the top of the page. 'That's the day she was tapped for the National Honor Society.'

But Mark paid no attention, his eyes fixed instead on a photograph mounted at the lower corner of the adjacent page, a snapshot that actually included an image of himself as a teenager. It was a group picture at a family reunion he had long since forgotten. But there he was, in clear view, holding hands with Beth in the forefront, her brother and sister also accompanied by dates, with a stream of her relatives in the back ground.

'She was so beautiful,' Mark mumbled with a hint of a sob, perspiration beading across his forehead, 'but she never had a mind of her own. She let her friends affect her too much.' Page by page he watched her mature, beyond high school and college graduation, through marriage and her childbearing years. 'Her daughter is beautiful,' Mark exclaimed as he examined a photo of a cute four-year-old in curls. 'She has a lot of Beth's features.'

Mr. Arvin cleared his throat. 'Angie's in college now. She was the Homecoming Queen at Auburn last year.'

A tinge of jealousy gripped Mark at the sight of a photo of Beth hugging her husband. 'Angie doesn't resemble her father at all,' he remarked as if he didn't know.

'Oh, that's not Angie's father.' Mrs. Arvin finally spoke up from across the room. 'Beth divorced Angie's dad. When she remarried, she wanted all the pictures of Charlie taken out.'

Mark nodded, his hatred for the man in the photograph rekindled. A snarl registered in his expression as he scolded, 'He should have known how dangerous it would be for Beth to drive those dark roads at night. He should've taken better care of her.'

You've got to leave me alone! You need to get on with your life!

Mr. Arvin cleared his throat. 'Well, now,' he said, 'we shouldn't be blaming Tom. He's suffered enough already.'

'He didn't deserve her,' Mark interrupted. 'She could've done much better than him.' A nervous tic twitched at his eyebrow.

Mark returned his attention to the family album, watching the love of his life age before his eyes like a flower blossoming in a timed-exposure nature film. Her brown hair showed signs of gray in the more recent shots, but her figure remained trim as she aged. He witnessed a changing culture through variations of her hair length and clothing styles, and in some photos he imagined indications of stress in her face. 'I never got over her,' he sighed, more to himself than to her parents. 'I got married, even had a kid, but I could never get Beth out of my system.' Tears seeped more freely from his eyes. 'I met her for lunch once, years ago, even followed her sometimes just to watch her shop at the mall. After my divorce I tried to see her again, but she wouldn't even talk to me. This son of a bitch changed her. He fuckin' ruined her.'

'Oh, my,' Mrs. Arvin said in reaction to Mark's vulgar language.

He flipped back to the earlier photographs, to the way Beth looked when they were involved. Scanning the years was riveting, the hold she'd had on him throughout his life intensified now by the sight of her in the photographs. Mark's skin began to itch and burn; his pulse quickened. He focused on a torn Polaroid snapshot that had been repaired with trans parent tape, a close-up of Beth and her dog. Feeling as if he might burst with emotion, he swallowed hard. He felt hot; he swallowed again and tasted bile in his throat.

Please, Mark. When will this end? Don't you have a life of your own?

'I ran over her dog, you know,' Mark confessed without a hint of remorse.

Mr. Arvin scratched his head. 'Well, don't worry yourself about that now, son. It was a long time ago, and accidents like that happen all the time.'

Mark looked up at Mrs. Arvin, a glazed expression on his face. 'No, I mean intentionally. She never knew. It was a couple of weeks after we broke up. I wanted her to see how it feels to lose something you love, so I waited till the mutt ran out into the street and I flattened him.'

Mark! Is that you? Help me — please!

The elderly couple sat in stunned silence. Mark's grip on the photo album tightened until pages began to tear loose from the binder's metal rings. Mrs. Arvin rose from her rocker and eased to her husband's side, a look of fear and anger scarring her already stressed face. Her hands shook noticeably.

His mouth dry, his forehead beaded with sweat, Mark saw Beth's ghostly image appear in a vacant chair across the room. She was wearing a miniskirt and crossing her legs, her luminous form teasing him, daring him to say more. 'I was the first to fuck her, too,' Mark blurted, watching for a reaction from a woman who wasn't even there. 'She wasn't my first, but I was hers. And she loved to fuck. Once she wanted to fuck while we were parked outside the airport and I wouldn't do it, just to show her who was in control, and she begged me —»

'Please,' Mrs. Arvin interrupted. 'This is uncalled for. I think you should leave now.'

Mark raised his head, a blank expression on his face, veins bulging from his neck. 'But these are things you never knew about her, don't you see?'

'Son, we've heard enough already.' Mr. Arvin finally spoke up more forcefully, but his voice still wavered. 'You'd better go.'

Mark didn't budge. 'Can I have a couple of these pictures?' he asked.

'Of course not!' Mrs. Arvin interjected with a bitter tone. 'Now, leave.