Promises

“Tell them,” Matt said, quietly enough that only I heard him.

I ignored him. “I can handle it.”

“No, you can’t, Jared,” Mom said gently. “You can’t do it by yourself.”

“You’ll want days off and vacations,” Lizzy interjected.

“Ringo will graduate next spring—” I started to say.

“Tell them,” Matt said a little more forcefully. Lizzy’s eyes darted to him curiously, but nobody else seemed to notice.

“Jared,” Brian interrupted, “he’s not going to stay. You know that. He’ll be going off to college. We could hire another high school student to help out, but it still won’t solve the problem.”

“Then what do you suggest?” I asked him.

“Well, we can look at the possibility of letting Ringo go and hiring a full time employee.”

“We can’t afford that. Especially since a full-time employee would expect benefits.”

“Maybe it’s time to think about selling it.”

“No—”

“Tell them!” This time it was loud enough that they couldn’t ignore him.

“No!” I hissed at him.

“Tell us what, Jared?” Lizzy asked with a challenge in her blue eyes.

“It’s nothing!” I told her and then turned to him. “Not now!” I couldn’t believe how angry I suddenly was at him. We had been arguing about it for days, and the fact that he would try to force my hand pissed me off to no end.

But he was staring right back at me, and he looked just as mad. “It’s not ‘nothing’!” He kept his gaze level on mine and said, “Jared has been offered a full-time job teaching at the high school next semester.”

“What?” Brian said.

“That’s great!” Mom said.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Lizzy asked.

I barely heard any of them. “You incredible fucking bastard! I can’t believe you just did that!”

“Why not? I’ve been trying to get you to tell them for the last week—”

“What?” Lizzy sounded pissed now too.

“You knew I didn’t want to say anything.” My voice was getting louder.

His, on the other hand, was getting lower, his words clipped short as he got angrier. “And you don’t think that your job offer is relevant to this discussion?”

“You had no right!”

“I had no right? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

And now I really was yelling. “You had no right because it’s none of your goddamn business!”

Everybody froze. I saw in his steel-gray eyes all of the doors slamming shut in a way I hadn’t seen in months. His gaze turned icy, his face guarded and expressionless. “So that’s how it is. I can’t believe I didn’t realize sooner.”

He stood up and started to walk away.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I made an effort not to yell, tried to keep my voice level. Almost succeeded. Brian was looking terribly uncomfortable. Lizzy looked pissed as hell, and I had a feeling it was at me. I couldn’t tell what Mom was thinking.

“It means I should have realized what was going on. You’ve drawn a line, haven’t you? And I’m not supposed to cross it. And apparently that line is just outside the bedroom door!” Brian jumped up and grabbed whatever dishes were closest to him and took them into the kitchen. Mom and Lizzy didn’t move. Matt wasn’t done. “You talk a pretty good game, but the fact is, you’re still ashamed of who you are, and you’re ashamed to be with me!”

“I’m not!”

“You are! Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You think I haven’t noticed that suddenly we can’t even go out to eat anymore? Sure, you’re fine with being gay, but only because you live your life in a fucking bubble! As soon as it comes down to actually facing people, you bury your head in the sand.”

“That’s not fair!”

“Fair? Do you have any idea what I put up with at work for you? Have you ever even thought about it? Do you think that’s ‘fair’? I ask you to make just a little bit of an effort for me, and you won’t even consider it. And you have the nerve to talk to me about ‘fair’? You said this was what you wanted, but now you’re the one who can’t face it!”

“Wait—” I was backpedaling now.

But he ignored me and kept talking. “And now this job! I’ve seen you with those kids. I know how much you love teaching them. But you’re going to pass up a chance to teach full time just so you can avoid having to deal with a few bigoted parents or a few asshole teenagers. You’re going to keep working at that shop for the rest of your life, just so you don’t have to face the rest of the world. You can tell yourself that it’s because you have to. That it’s because your family needs you to. But it’s bullshit, Jared! The real reason you won’t consider it is because you’re scared.”

“Are you done?” I asked icily.

“Yeah. I’m definitely done with this whole fucked-up situation.” He turned and walked out, and I heard the front door slam.

Lizzy jumped up and threw a roll at my head. Her aim was impeccable. “Asshole!” She ran after Matt.

Only Mom and I were left. I put my head in my hands on the table. I was shaking, terrified that his last statement meant he was leaving me for good. I wanted to chase after him, but then what? I couldn’t do what he wanted me to do, but I couldn’t bear to lose him either. I was still pissed, but I was also fighting hard to keep from bursting into tears.

Mom was quiet for a long time, but I knew she would say something eventually. If she didn’t have something to say, she would have left the table already. Finally, she took a deep breath and said, “Jared, let me say two things, and then I’ll never mention this ugly incident again.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“No, you don’t. The first is this: you can’t control what others think. The only thing you can control is yourself. Some people will look down on you for your choices in life, no matter what they are. You can’t do anything about that. The only thing you can do is decide how to live your own life. And to hell with everybody else.

“The second is this: I know being in a committed relationship is new for you. But trust me on this: you can’t just pick tiny pieces of yourself to share, and keep the rest to yourself. It doesn’t work that way. It’s all or nothing.

“Third—”

“You said there were only two things.”

“I lied. The third thing is simply this.” She put her hand on my shoulder, and that gentle touch made me lose my battle to keep the tears back. I let them come and was childishly relieved that only my mother was there to see it. Her voice was soft when she continued. “That boy loves you. Don’t be such a pigheaded fool that you can’t see it.”

She kissed me on the back of my head and left.

Lizzy gave me a ride home in stony silence. I had no idea what had passed between her and Matt after she followed him out of the dining room. I only knew that she came back hurt and angry and he didn’t come back at all. She parked in front of my house, but when I started to get out, she finally broke the silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

I rested my forehead against the cool glass of the window. I couldn’t look at her. “I don’t know.”

“I thought we were friends.”

“We are, Lizzy.”

“Really?” She sniffled a little, and when I looked over, there were tears on her face. I couldn’t remember ever feeling like such an ass.

“Yes, Lizzy.” I reached over and took her hand. “You know I love you. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I know that’s a ridiculously lame answer, but it’s true. I just didn’t want anybody to know. The thought of taking that job ties my stomach in knots, and I can’t really explain why. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just scared.” Now that I