Fear, horror, disbelief. This cannot be happening to me. I am being diminished. This categorically cannot happen. Only I have the power here. Only me. I have to warn…
I am introduced to pain anew. I thought I’d been screaming. I hadn’t been screaming.
It must be like being born. There is light and pain, or agony to be precise, except I want to hide from the light. Crawl back into the dark, let them forget about me as I am assaulted by the memories of everything I’ve said and done.
‘Jakob?’ It is a kindly voice full of genuine concern. That makes it worse. I do not deserve it.
I try to back into the corner of the sunlit room. Salem reaches for me. I flinch away from him.
‘You’re free. The ifreet is gone.’ Reassuring. He doesn’t realise it is still me, still all me.
The door to the room opens. Black Annis. Don’t name her as Morag. Pagan is with her. They look out of place in this environment. Morag – no, Black Annis – stands in the doorway like judgement.
They walk towards me. Black Annis glances over at Salem, who nods. There is a look of concern on the old man’s face. She reaches for me. I try to cower away but my back is already against the cold stone wall. Her long- fingered, black-clawed hand touches me like death. Black lightning plays across my chest. I scream again as biofeedback surges into my body in the real world. Enough biofeedback to make my plugs smoke, enough to fry synapses, enough to stop even an augmented and mostly mechanical heart.
It’s like sinking into dark water. The last thing I hear is Pagan screaming, ‘No!’ and diving towards Morag. Way too slow, Pagan. She waited. Waited until it was me. This is good. I deserve this.
19
Disappointment. I’m alive. I can still hear Rannu screaming. I can still feel the manacles around my wrists and ankles. I’m still lying on a soiled cot wondering when this will be over. The air still tastes like licking a battery, still smells of rotten eggs, and I know that when I open my eyes the sky will still be very far away.
Our escape now made sense. I didn’t want to think about it too much at the time, that’s how insidious hope can be. Where was all the security when we escaped from Moa City? Regardless of how good Rannu is, he couldn’t have hidden for that long in such a small area, not with the level of technology the Black Squadrons were using. They had let us go. We were under their control the entire time.
Mudge was sitting on the cot next to mine smoking a cigarette. He didn’t look happy.
‘Morning,’ I said.
He stood up, walked over to my cot and punched me hard enough in the nose to break it despite the subcutaneous armour.
‘Fuck!’ I shouted. ‘I was fucking possessed, you bastard!’ Mudge smiled.
‘Standard Operating Procedure for being called a faggot – not that it happens a lot these days. You’re lucky it was me and not Merle. Still, now we can be friends again.’
He reached down into his backpack and produced a bottle of vodka. I looked around. All his gear was in there. It looked like he’d been here a while. Watching over me. I didn’t deserve this, and what’s worse I didn’t really have the words to express my gratitude. He followed my eyes.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ he told me. Days of this bullshit and he was waiting with the booze. I pushed myself up into a sitting position as he passed me the bottle and he sparked up a joint. The atmosphere made the booze taste like battery acid. It was the best thing I’d ever drank.
‘Not to be trusted?’ I asked, lifting the manacles.
‘We’ve got to be sure, man. What happened to you, Rannu, the Vucari and I guess the other special forces types they sent back is unprecedented. What we did is more so. You’re in a position to cause us a lot of hurt.’ Then he looked away. I guessed I’d already done that. ‘Not to mention the Maori contingent’s very big on reciprocity.’
‘Can’t say I blame them. Merle?’
‘Fucked off about his face, but he can get that fixed in the unlikely event we don’t all die. He may be pissed off about the prospect of an ugly-looking corpse, though secretly I think he digs the scar-face look. He saved you, man. When… you know…’ When Morag made a concerted and premeditated attempt to murder me. Oh yeah, I owed Merle.
‘I guess I’ve got some apologies to make.’ Except it couldn’t be done. I couldn’t escape from the things I’d said or done. It didn’t matter that I was under the influence. It was still my face and form that did it, and with the best will in the world human psychology doesn’t let the victim move away from that. I was quiet for a little while, thinking this through, enjoying the familiarity of alcohol and sweet smoke burning my throat. Hiding from my problems.
‘What happened to you guys?’ I asked. I couldn’t look at Mudge’s lenses when I did. I was pretty sure he knew what I was thinking. That he could see my guilt.
‘I don’t know how much you saw, but we got jumped by a couple of those Black Squadron wankers.’ He paused and looked up at me. ‘They’re hard. Augmented, like Rolleston, though not as dangerous.’
‘I saw some of that. How’d you get out?’
‘Merle. He took a battering when the Walker went up but he was still alive. It seems that they die just as well with a plasma shot to the head. I’m not joking, Jakob, the guy’s a one-man slaughterhouse.’ There was a degree of pride in his man behind Mudge’s words. He was right as well. Merle had been very useful. I was looking forward to thanking him.
‘Morag?’
Mudge laughed humourlessly. ‘How’d you think? The Grey Lady? Jesus Christ, Jakob, what were you thinking? If you wanted the ultimate adrenalin fuck you’d have been as well shagging a live-firing plasma cannon. Was she any good?’
Yes, actually, but I had no intention of telling Mudge that.
‘They killed Morag in front of my eyes. I watched her die. It was sense but I knew nothing. I spilled my guts.’
‘Well, we knew you’d break. Everyone does.’
‘I didn’t even try to hold out, not when I thought I could still help Morag.’
‘It’s all right, man. Most of us got out alive.’ He was trying to make me feel better but I could tell he was uneasy with this. He wouldn’t look at me.
‘Look Mudge, I knew some things about Earth’s defences…’
Mudge didn’t answer. There was nothing really to say. I had after all betrayed my entire race. I was looking at him expectantly. I wasn’t sure what I wanted from him. Even if he told me it was okay, we’d both know it was a lie, and Mudge rarely lied. It was why he was so annoying at times.
‘What do you want me to say?’ he finally asked. ‘It’s a fucked-up situation. I don’t really see what else you would have done, not with Morag on the line. I’d tell you that you had no choice but you’re going to be torturing yourself for a very long time despite anything I could say. Question is, what are we going to do now?’
‘It might be better if I just put a beam through my head,’ I said, quietly going for a bit of a paddle in self- loathing.
‘See, that’s the Jakob I know and love,’ Mudge said acidly. ‘Why fucking do anything when you can just feel sorry for yourself?’
‘Fuck you, Mudge. They made me,’ I told him. Trying to muster anger and ending up with pathetic bluster instead.
‘Yeah, I know that and you know that. The question is, can you get over it and be of use?’
‘How? I just gave them Earth’s weaknesses.’ I sounded desperate to myself.
‘See, this is the problem with feeling sorry for yourself. It’s so selfish. You think the world revolves around you. Bad things happen-’
‘To me, not you-’
‘Shut up, you miserable piece of shit,’ Mudge spat at me. I couldn’t believe I was hearing this after what I’d
