the finger. ‘That’s your problem. You’re not comfortable with who you are. You want to be a nice guy, liked, but we don’t live in that sort of world. Come to terms with who you are; do the best you can but realise that sometimes you have to be a bastard, and if you want to beat the other guy then you’re going to have to be a bigger bastard than him.’
‘That easy, huh?’
‘Nah, those are just words. Seriously, I suggest remaining drunk and stoned until the bad thoughts and memories recede into the distance behind you.’
‘That easy, huh?’
‘Nah, those are just words. Deal in your own way or go under. Same as it ever was.’
‘You’re a huge comfort to me, Mudge. I want you to know that.’
The cave illuminated as Mudge lit another spliff. The flame distorted and exaggerated his features, making him look demonic. The flame disappeared but an afterglow remained.
‘Maybe that’s it. We don’t have anything like the resources and commitment to being a cunt that Rolleston has. How can we win against that?’ I asked.
Mudge shrugged. ‘I’m not sure we have to win. Just fight. Prove that we’re alive, that we were here at this point.’
‘You sound like Balor.’
‘Balor wanted glory; I just want to live my life without slithering around on my belly begging for scraps.’
I nodded at this. It had the sort of drunken logic that sounded brilliant until you woke up in the morning and realised that the world was more complicated than that.
‘So are we finished feeling sorry for ourselves in a dark cave?’ Mudge asked. I nodded. ‘Now that you’re good and drunk you should see if you can get laid.’
It seemed like a good idea for a moment.
‘You going to make up with Merle?’ I asked. Mudge shrugged.
‘You going to let Pagan off the hook?’ he asked.
I shook my head vehemently. ‘No, fuck that. We were supposed to be mates. You’ve no idea what I went through because of that guy!’
‘He thought he was doing the right thing. He realised that there had to be sacrifices. You used to make sacrifices like that all the time.’
‘Bollocks! Every time I tried to come home with everybody. He made a cold, calculating decision to fuck me. He sent me to fucking hell! He’s lucky I don’t kill him. I might do depending on how I’m sleeping when this is over.’
‘Yeah, okay. I don’t have much of a defence for him except he saved our arses in Maw City.’
‘Gentlemen?’
Mudge and I yelled. It may have been more of a scream. The bottle went bouncing, spilling its contents. Both of us were on our feet, sidearms drawn. Salem was standing close to the cave mouth dressed for the cold, pack on his back and holding a walking stick. His arms were spread wide to show he meant no harm.
‘Christ, Salem, are you trying to get shot?’ I demanded.
He frowned at the blasphemy. I was angrier with myself than with him.
‘You shouldn’t be able to do that,’ Mudge said, frowning. He was right. Salem shouldn’t have been able to sneak up on us like that. ‘Drink?’
‘You know I won’t.’
‘Smoke?’ Mudge offered him the spliff he’d just lit.
‘More tempting, but no.’
Mudge nodded and pointed at him with the hand holding the spliff. ‘Oh yeah. You used to smoke this shit and then go out and murder people, didn’t you?’
Salem didn’t answer but he seemed amused.
‘You going?’ I asked.
Salem nodded. ‘Yes, they do not need me at the moment. I believe that they have gone as far as they can. I have just come to say goodbye.’
‘I’m sure we could find things for you to do,’ I told him. Only after I’d said it did I realise how patronising it sounded. Mudge was giving me a look that told me I was being a prat.
‘I will be of more use back in the city. I will teach those who want to fight how to hide from Demiurge, I think. I will also see if I can find a way to help you get information or yourselves off the planet. I have some ideas. I have made provision for contacting Pagan, Cat or Tailgunner if need be.’
‘Why you?’ Mudge asked.
‘Mudge!’ I hissed, but Salem didn’t take offence at Mudge’s abruptness.
‘Because Tailgunner knows me from the neighbourhood. He knew that I’d acted as an exorcist before and I think he understood that I realised Shaitan was real.’
‘You mean Demiurge?’ I asked.
‘Demiurge is an echo, nothing more.’
I stepped forward to shake his hand.
‘Thank you. Really, I don’t have the words. I owe you.’ It sounded inadequate for what this man had done for me.
‘It is the duty of all,’ he said. It could have sounded trite but I knew that he meant it.
‘Even for a sinner like me?’ I asked jokingly.
His face became serious. ‘I have known many men like you, Jakob. God will judge you, nobody else. Not even yourself. He knows what was you and what was not.’
I wondered how much of our conversation he’d heard. Mudge started laughing. I was getting pissed off with his rudeness. I really did owe Salem a lot, maybe everything.
‘Pack it in, Mudge!’ I told him.
‘What? Common sense packaged as religious bollocks?’ he said.
Salem was smiling as well. ‘Mr Mudgie does not offend me. God has a plan, even for him.’
This just started Mudge laughing harder. I had to smile. What the fuck had God been thinking of, making Mudge?
‘What I would say is that you do not have the right to judge Pagan-’ Salem started.
‘Bullshit!’ I immediately felt guilty. It reminded me of our conversation when I had been possessed.
Salem held up a hand as a calming gesture. ‘Please hear me out. If he had not sacrificed you then we would be none the wiser. We would have learned nothing. We may be at a standstill at the moment, but we have learned so much from your imprisonment. I know this sounds harsh, but in the big scheme of things he did the right thing.’
‘Maybe, but it was a fundamental betrayal of trust.’
‘Like you would have volunteered,’ Mudge said, grinning.
I glared at him. ‘I accept that it may have meant progress but you can’t expect the sacrifice to be happy about it.’
‘In some cultures it was an honour,’ Mudge said.
‘Fine. You do it next time,’ I told him angrily.
‘I apologise. I have angered you. It was not my intent. I think that Pagan agonised long and hard about it and feels more guilty than you can imagine.’
‘Good.’ I knew I sounded childish. ‘Look, I’m sorry. I just can’t walk away from this.’
‘I do understand,’ Salem said, nodding sadly.
‘Thank you,’ I said again.
Salem bowed and turned to leave.
‘Hold up,’ Mudge said.
Salem stopped and turned. He was smiling. I think he knew what was coming.
‘You have to tell us,’ Mudge said.
‘Mr Mudgie, I think if I answered that question, regardless of what the answer was, I’d become a lot less interesting than people seem to think I am. Besides, we don’t talk to lensheads.’
Salem turned and walked away to the sound of Mudge’s laughter echoing around the cave.
