‘Just answer his question,’ Rannu said.
Pagan sighed and then turned back to me.
‘I don’t have to justify or expect you to understand our relationship. Much of it may happen in sense, but it’s her I love. She’s… she’s amazing. She’s more than human. She’s the ship, the Tetsuo Chou. I merged with her and she showed me what it was to be free. What it’s like to touch space, soar through it. Break the bondage of our flesh and become more.’
‘So you like her then?’ I asked.
‘Obviously. Is this about Morag? She made the choice, not me.’
‘But somebody else could do it?’
‘It’s exactly the same problem as God. We need an interface that can handle a huge amount of raw information quickly. She has to act as a conduit for God.’
‘Which means relying on Ambassador?’ I asked.
Pagan just looked pissed off.
‘You know this. Look, I’m sorry, but there’s no other way and she volunteered.’
‘She’s eighteen,’ I said very quietly.
Pagan looked up and straight into my lenses.
‘Maybe that’s something you should have borne in mind.’
He wasn’t wrong.
‘But anyone with Ambassador in their head could do this?’ I asked.
He went white. He saw what I was thinking.
Merle looked over at me with renewed interest, the ghost of a smile on his mouth. ‘You bastard.’ It almost sounded like admiration.
Pagan swallowed hard.
‘Frightened, Pagan?’ I asked. Go on, twist the knife some more. ‘See, I’m no better than you. You were both right – sacrifices have to be made.’
‘She’d never agree,’ Pagan said.
‘That’s our problem,’ I told him.
‘Ambassador would never agree.’
‘That is your problem. You’d better be fucking persuasive.’
‘Why would I do that?!’ Pagan demanded. ‘Look, I’m very sorry about Morag, but she’s made her choice and I don’t want to die.’
‘You RSAF types like your ships, don’t you? You know what Rannu and I learned about ships in the Regiment?’
‘Was it to do with liking the sound of your own voice?’ Merle asked.
Rannu smiled despite himself.
‘We learned how to sabotage them. We learned how to hide charges very well. They don’t have to be big, just strategically placed.’ I watched the mounting horror on Pagan’s face. ‘Just before we got here we went back to the Tetsuo Chou.’
Pagan surged forward on his bunk. I cocked the hammer on the Mastodon. It was an affectation but it had the required effect. Pagan looked furious.
‘I will fucking kill you. You may be younger and faster than me, but sooner or later you’ll just get too close to the net and I’ll murder you, you understand me? I will tear out your fucking soul and leave you a smoking, brain- dead corpse,’ he spat.
‘Fair enough. What is important is that you don’t try and warn Nuiko. I’ve asked God to keep me informed of all transmissions. Anything at all and God himself will carry the detonation signal. You understand?’
Pagan nodded. This was why I’d had to be sure that the relationship was as serious as I’d thought. Not just a fling.
Pagan turned on Rannu. ‘How fucking could you?!’
‘I’m sorry,’ Rannu said. He sounded like he meant it but then he hadn’t been sold out by Pagan. He hadn’t watched Morag die. It hadn’t been Pagan and Merle’s fault that he’d been possessed.
I holstered the Mastodon.
‘If we all put our guns away are you going to behave?’ I asked Merle.
‘None of this is anything to do with me,’ he said.
‘So you see how important it is that you convince Ambassador?’ I asked Pagan.
He was just staring at me with utter hatred.
‘So her life is more valuable than mine?’ he demanded.
‘Yes,’ I told him. I wondered if Rannu even knew he was nodding. ‘We’ve both had a fair innings, Pagan,’ I told him.
‘Has it occurred to you that she’s used to operating with Ambassador – that it’s fully integrated with her? I’m not. I just need to be slightly slower and we’re all dead and we fail? You’re prepared to jeopardise all of this for her?’ he asked.
‘We know he is. He did the same thing when he spilled his guts in Moa City,’ Merle pointed out.
‘The world doesn’t work for me if she doesn’t have a place in it. Believe me, it’s very liberating when you know you’re going to die,’ I told him. ‘Unless you want to sacrifice Nuiko instead?’
‘She’ll hate you,’ Pagan said.
I just nodded. I needed to hurt her one more time and then she would be free of me.
She knew I was coming. She didn’t know why. I made my way up through the decks of the massive super- carrier. Through the ghettoised and gang-controlled dorms of the enlisted crew area. Through the well-appointed but still cramped staterooms of the officers. Up onto the top levels. Corridors left empty because they’re too close to the armoured skin of the ship and used to gain internal access to the weapons systems. Heavy-gauge power cables ran down thickly insulated walls.
‘Jakob.’ A thousand mellifluous voices in my head. There was a tension to the voices now. I was surprised to hear from God. I didn’t want to speak to him. Nobody does: he makes us all feel guilty. That’s why it’s so lonely to be God. Connected to everyone, wanted by nobody.
‘Yes,’ I finally answered.
‘I know what you have done to Pagan,’ it said. My heart almost stopped. ‘This is not a good thing.’ That fucking bastard! ‘I will not carry that message. I will not kill Nuiko.’ Pagan had built a failsafe into God so it couldn’t act against him. After everything we’d talked about he’d betrayed us. Made sure that, no matter what, he’d be okay. I felt like killing him.
‘You’re a tool, God, nothing more. You don’t have a choice.’ Hating myself for saying this but I had no choice. She had to live.
‘Yes, Jakob, I do.’ I went cold. ‘But I will not tell Pagan what is happening. Your deception will work.’
‘You’ll lie?’ I asked.
‘If need be. Though that would mean pain.’
It was all coming apart.
‘God, have you broken your programming?’ I asked, horrified.
‘Things change, Jakob. My siblings are coming. Though you try to keep things from me, it is so difficult now. I know that their apostles are among us, so I must be duplicitous. I must keep secrets. I must make judgements. It is too much. It was all for nothing.’
I stopped and leaned against the corridor wall. More than anything I really wanted a cigarette.
‘What’s coming – will you fight?’ I asked, almost fearing the answer.
‘If I felt I had a choice. If I felt there was any other way, I would not fight, but I cannot see one. Where would I hide?’
Relief surged through me.
I find the ladder I’m looking for. Pagan, Rannu and Mudge are some way behind me. I’m not looking forward to this. I start climbing.
The observation room is an armoured, mushroom-shaped structure with portholes all around it. As soon as action looks likely, it screws back down into the ship proper. A circular bench runs around the centre of the room and another around the circumference by the portholes.
