The list was the talk of the annual Ku party. I’ d been there since two o’ clock, and in that time I’ d learned more than I ever wanted to know about my parents’ friends’ unfulfilled dreams. Lots of skydiving, traveling, scuba diving, ballroom dancing, and novel writing has gone undone, I’ ll tell you that. Poor old Mrs. Gorman said she wanted to learn a foreign language, and her husband-who’ d taken to finishing her sentences because she kept forgetting what she was going to say-snorted, ‘ Why don’ t you start with English?’
As soon as I saw my brother’ s wife, Charlotte, I was glad I hadn’ t brought up the adoption yet. She was easily thirty pounds heavier than I’ d seen her last. More than that, she looked dour and bloated. Her normally heart-shaped face seemed to have tipped upside down, and her blond hair hung limp and dull. I’ ve heard those hormone shots are miserable. If you’ re going through that and are, to date, still childless, I’ m assuming babies in general are a sore subject. I’ d called Susan before the party and told her to remind Chase that the subject was off-limits. I knew he got the message, because as soon as he walked in, he caught my eye and pantomimed turning a key at his lips.
After a few hours, the party had dwindled to immediate family, Susan and Chase, and a few assorted neighbors. The sun was going down, and the blazing Valley heat was finally ebbing. My parents had fans and misters going all day-it’ d been a scorcher. We sat on lawn chairs in a circle on the patio, that lazy party-almost- over feeling setting in.
I took a swig of my light beer, my beverage of choice for the day. My dad makes a killer mai tai, but I don’ t go near them. Those babies sneak up on you. ‘ I don’ t get the attraction to skydiving,’ I said. ‘ Knowing me, I’ d leap into midair and then realize I forgot to wear my parachute. Or I’ d be wearing my parachute, but I wouldn’ t even have fun because I’ d be so worried about pulling my cord on time.’
Susan-who apparently didn’ t get the memo about the mai tais-slurred, ‘ As shoon ash the boysh are grown, I’ m gonna shkydive. Ish my life’ sh dream.’ Chase caught my eye and winked. The wink said, Bet I’ m going to get booty tonight-and it’ s not even a holiday.
‘ How about you, Bob?’ my mom asked. ‘ What would be on your list?’
‘ Hard to say. At this point in my life, I don’ t worry about those sorts of things. I’ ve got Charlotte, a great house, a solid job& I don’ t need to ‘ do’ things to feel fulfilled.’
Hello-was that my brother who said that? It looked like my brother. Same brown, short-cropped hair, same Delaney nose, same teen idol dimples. It was starting to make sense why Charlotte couldn’ t get pregnant-aliens had obviously kidnapped my brother and were wearing his body as a disguise.
My mom shot me a look. See?
Charlotte beamed. ‘ Can you believe this guy?’
Susan lifted her mai tai to take a sip but missed her mouth. ‘ That’ sh beautiful, Bob. Jush beautiful.’
‘ That’ s what I’ m always trying to tell my brother,’ my dad chimed in. ‘ He’ s always boasting about how his kids did this and that& one’ s a doctor& one’ s a big la-de-da producer. And I think, What a blowhard. My kids won’ t wind up doing a damn important thing in their lives! They won’ t save anybody’ s life! Won’ t write a novel! Hell, my daughter’ s pushing forty and she’ s not even married!’
‘ I’ m thirty-four!’ I sputtered.
‘ And you know what?’ he continued. ‘ That’ s because we Parkers know what life’ s about. It’ s about being with your friends, drinking and having a good meal, listening to Roy Orbison on the stereo. It’ s not about your silly doctorates and your 4.0 grade-point averages.’
He lifted his glass in a toast in the fading light, and we all did the same, with me wishing my father could learn a new form of bragging.
‘ Well, I’ m glad there are only six things left to do,’ I said, bringing the discussion back to the list. ‘ Then I can go back to being the same lovable loser I used to be.’
Mrs. Mankowski preened at me. ‘ So is there anything on the list about finding a husband?’
‘ Tick tock!’ Mr. Mankowski felt compelled to add.
And to think I used to go over every summer and help those people make jelly.
‘ June will get married when she meets the right guy,’ my brother (or so he appeared to be) said.
‘ Thirty-four is nothing,’ Charlotte agreed. ‘ And these things can happen so quickly. I’ ll bet one day she’ ll call out of the blue and surprise us. Tell us she’ s in love and getting married.’
Just as I was wondering if I could sneak into the house and add an addendum to the gratitude letter I planned to give my brother before he left, Susan waved her mai tai around drunkenly and said, ‘ Acshtually, June doesh have a big shurprishe!’
A chorus of ‘ What!?’ ‘ Tell us!’ ‘ Surprise!?’ rang up from the group.
I was going to kill her. ‘ I don’ t know what she’ s talking about,’ I said, trying to make a face that said, Who you going to believe: me or the drunk?
‘ I’ ll bet you met a fellow!’ Mrs. Mankowski cried. There was my answer.
‘ Ish a biiiiiiig shurprise.’
‘ You’ ll have to excuse my wife,’ Chase said. ‘ She tends to hallucinate when she drinks.’
Mrs. Mankowski improved her guess. ‘ She met a fellow and she’ s engaged!’
‘ The shuprishe ishn’ t a guy. Iish a giiiiiiirl.’
Chase shushed Susan. My father paled. ‘ Oh dear.’ There was much clearing of throats.
‘ Ish time you told everbody. The happy day is almosht here!’
‘ Is that legal now?’ Mr. Mankowski asked.
Susan was so going to pay for this. I was going to reserve a spot in hell for her where it’ s Las Vegas 24/7.
‘ I’ m not a lesbian, okay?’ I snapped. ‘ The surprise is not that I’ m gay.’
‘ Oh, thank goodness,’ my dad whimpered. ‘ How would I ever face my brother?’
My mom elbowed him. ‘ We would have loved you anyway, honey.’
‘ So, what is the
