night just the other day. I was sitting here just like I am now. Tim was in the hospital, Alan was with him, and while I watched the rain, it all came back. The memory was so vivid, it felt like it had just happened. And then the rain stopped and I knew it was time to feed the horses. I was back in my regular life again, and all at once, it felt like I had just imagined the whole thing. Like it happened to someone else, someone I don’t even know anymore.”
She leaned toward me. “What do you remember the most?” she asked.
“All of it,” I said.
She looked at me beneath her lashes. “Nothing stands out?”
The storm outside made the room feel dark and intimate, and I felt a shiver of guilty anticipation about where all this might be leading. I wanted her as much as I’d ever wanted
anyone, but in the back of my mind, I knew Savannah wasn’t mine anymore. I could feel Tim’s presence all around me, and I knew she wasn’t really herself.
I took a sip of wine, then set the glass back on the table.
“No.” I kept my voice steady. “Nothing stands out. But that’s why you always wanted me to look at the moon, right? So that I could remember all of it?”
What I didn’t say was that I still went out to stare at the moon, and despite the guilt I was feeling about being here, I wondered whether she did, too.
“You want to know what I remember most?” she asked.
“When I broke Tim’s nose?”
“No.” She laughed, then turned serious. “I remember the times we went to church. Do you realize that they’re still the only times I ever saw you in a tie? You should get dressed up more often. You looked good.” She seemed to reflect on that before turning her eyes to me again.
“Are you seeing anyone?” she asked.
“No.”
She nodded. “I didn’t think so. I figured you would have mentioned it.”
She turned toward the window. In the distance, I could see one of the horses galloping in the rain.
“I’m going to have to feed them in a little while. I’m sure they’re wondering where I am already.”
“They’ll be okay,” I assured her.
“Easy for you to say. Trust me—they can get as cranky as people when they’re hungry.”
“It must be hard handling all this on your own.”
“It is. But what choice do I have? At least our employer’s been understanding. Tim’s on a leave of absence, and whenever he’s in the hospital, they let me take however much time I need.” Then, in a teasing tone, she added, “Just like the army, right?”
“Oh yeah. It’s exactly the same.”
She giggled, then became sober again. “How was it in Iraq?”
I was about to make my usual crack about the sand, but instead I said, “It’s hard to describe.”
Savannah waited, and I reached for my glass of wine, stalling. Even with her, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go into it. But something was happening between us, something I wanted and yet didn’t want. I forced myself to look at Savannah’s ring and imagine the betrayal she would no doubt feel later. I closed my eyes and started with the night of the invasion.
I don’t know how long I talked, but it was long enough for the rain to have ended. With the sun still drifting in its slow descent, the horizon glowed the colors of a rainbow. Savannah refilled her glass. By the time I finished, I was entirely spent and knew I’d never speak of it again.
Savannah had remained quiet as I spoke, asking only the occasional question to let me know she was listening to everything I said.
“It’s different from what I imagined,” she remarked.
“Yeah?” I asked.
“When you scan the headlines or read the stories, most of the time, names of soldiers and cities in Iraq are just words. But to you, it’s personal… it’s real. Maybe too real.”
I had nothing left to add, and I felt her hand reach for mine. Her touch made something leap inside me. “I wish you’d never had to go through all that.”
I squeezed her hand and felt her respond in kind. When she finally let go, the sensation of her touch lingered, and like an old habit rediscovered, I watched her tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. The sight made me ache.
“It’s strange how fate works,” she said, her voice almost a whisper. “Did you ever imagine that your life would turn out like it did?”
“No,” I said.
“I didn’t either,” she said. “When you first went back to Germany, I just knew that you and I would be married one day. I was more sure of that than anything in my life.”
I stared into my glass as she went on.
“And then, on your second leave, I was even more sure. Especially after we made love.”
“Don’t…” I shook my head. “Let’s not go there.”
“Why?” she asked. “Do you regret it?”
“No.” I couldn’t bear to look at her. “Of course not. But you’re married now.”
“But it happened,” she said. “Do you want me to just forget it?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe.”
“I can’t,” she said, sounding surprised and hurt. “That was my first time. I’ll never forget it, and in its own way, it will always be special to me. What happened between us was beautiful.”
I didn’t trust myself to respond, and after a moment, she seemed to collect herself. Leaning forward, she asked, “When you found out that I had married Tim, what did you think?”
I waited to answer, wanting to choose my words with care. “My first thought was that in a way, it made sense. He’s been in love with you for years. I knew that from the moment I met him.” I ran a hand over my face. “After that, I felt… conflicted. I was glad that you picked someone like him, because he’s a nice guy and you two have a lot in common, but then I was just… sad. We didn’t have that long to go. I would have been out of the army for almost two years now.”
She pressed her lips together. “I’m sorry,” she murmured.
“I am, too.” I tried to smile. “If you want my honest opinion, I think you should have waited for me.”
She laughed uncertainly, and I was surprised by the look of longing on her face. She reached for her glass of wine.
“I’ve been thinking about that, too. Where we would have been, where we’d be living, what we’d be doing in our lives. Especially lately. Last night after you left, that’s all I could think about. I know how terrible that makes me sound, but these past couple of years, I’ve been trying to convince myself that even if our love was real, it never would have lasted.” Her expression was forlorn. “You really would have married me, wouldn’t you?”
“In a heartbeat. And I still would if I could.”
The past suddenly seemed to loom over us, overwhelming in its intensity.
“It was real, wasn’t it?” Her voice had a tremor. “You and me?”
The gray light of dusk was reflected in her eyes as she waited for my answer. In the moments that elapsed, I felt the weight of Tim’s prognosis hanging over both of us. My racing thoughts were morbid and wrong, but they were there nonetheless. I hated myself for even thinking about life after Tim, willing the thought away.
Yet I couldn’t. I wanted to take Savannah in my arms, to hold her, to recapture everything we had lost in our years apart. Instinctively, I began to lean toward her.
Savannah knew what was coming but didn’t pull away. Not at first. As my lips neared hers, however, she turned quickly and the wine she was holding splashed onto both of us.
She jumped to her feet, setting her glass on the table and pulling her blouse away from her skin.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m going to change, though. I’ve got to get this soaking. It’s one of my favorites.”
“Okay,” I said.
I watched as she left the living room and went down the hall. She turned into the bedroom on the right, and
