She hesitated. “Why don’t I like the sound of this?”
“I just wanted to tell you how much I’ve been looking forward to tonight. I mean… I’ve been thinking about it all week.”
“Why would I take that the wrong way?”
“I don’t know. Because you’re a woman? Because it makes me sound desperate and women don’t like desperate men?”
For the first time that evening, she laughed easily. “I don’t think you’re desperate. I get the sense you might be a bit overwhelmed at times because of the business and the kids, but it’s not like you’ve been calling me every day.”
“That’s only because you don’t have a phone. But anyway, I wanted you to know that it means a lot to me. I don’t have a lot of experience in things like this.”
“Dinner?”
“Dating. It’s been a while.”
Join the club, she thought to herself. But it made her feel good anyway. “Come on,” she said, motioning to the appetizer. “It’s better when it’s warm.”
When the appetizer was finished, Katie rose from the table and went to the oven. She peeked at the peppers before rinsing the saucepan she’d used earlier. She gathered the ingredients for the scampi sauce and got that started, then began to saute the shrimp. By the time the shrimp were done, the sauce was ready as well. She put a pepper on each of their plates and added the main course. Then, after dimming the lights, she lit the candle she’d placed at the center of the table. The aroma of butter and garlic and the flickering light against the wall made the old kitchen feel almost new with promise.
They ate and talked while, outside, the stars emerged from hiding. Alex praised the meal more than once, claiming that he’d never tasted anything better. As the candle burned lower and the wine bottle emptied, Katie revealed bits and pieces about her life growing up in Altoona. While she’d held back about telling Jo the whole truth about her parents, she gave Alex the unvarnished version: the constant moves, her parents’ alcoholism, the fact that she’d been on her own since she’d turned eighteen. Alex stayed silent throughout, listening without judgment. Even so, she wasn’t sure what he thought about her past. When she finally trailed off, she found herself wondering whether she’d said too much. But it was then that he reached over and placed his hand on hers. Though she couldn’t meet his gaze, they held hands across the table, neither of them willing to let go, as if they were the only two people remaining in the world.
“I should probably start cleaning the kitchen,” Katie said finally, breaking the spell. She pushed back from the table. Alex heard her chair scrape against the floor, aware that the moment had been lost and wanting nothing more than to get it back.
“I want you to know I’ve had a wonderful time tonight,” he began.
“Alex… I…”
He shook his head. “You don’t have to say anything—”
She didn’t let him finish. “I want to, okay?” She stood near the table, her eyes glittering with some unknown emotion. “I’ve had a wonderful time, too. But I know where this is leading, and I don’t want you to get hurt.” She exhaled, steeling herself for the words that were coming next. “I can’t make promises. I can’t tell you where I’ll be tomorrow, let alone a year from now. When I first ran, I thought I’d be able to put everything behind me and start over, you know? I’d live my life and simply pretend that none of it ever happened. But how can I do that? You think you know me, but I’m not sure that even I know who I am anymore. And as much as you know about me, there’s a lot you don’t know.”
Alex felt something collapse inside him. “Are you saying that you don’t want to see me again?”
“No.” She shook her head vehemently. “I’m saying all this because I do want to see you and it scares me because I know deep in my heart that you deserve someone better. You deserve someone you can count on. Someone your kids can count on. Like I said, there are things you don’t know about me.”
“Those things don’t matter,” Alex insisted.
“How can you say that?”
In the silence that followed, Alex could hear the faint hum of the refrigerator. Through the window, the moon had risen and hung suspended over the treetops.
“Because I know me,” he finally said, realizing that he was in love with her. He loved the Katie he’d come to know and the Katie he’d never had the chance to meet. He rose from the table, moving closer to her.
“Alex… this can’t…”
“Katie,” he whispered, and for a moment, neither of them moved. Alex finally put a hand on her hip and pulled her closer. Katie exhaled, as if setting down an age-old burden, and when she looked up at him, it was suddenly easy for her to imagine that her fears were pointless. That he would love her no matter what she told him, and that he was the kind of man who loved her already and would love her forever.
And it was then she realized that she loved him, too.
With that, she let herself lean into him. She felt their bodies come together as he raised a hand to her hair. His touch was gentle and soft, unlike anything she’d known before, and she watched in wonder as he closed his eyes. He tilted his head, their faces drawing close.
When their lips finally came together, she could taste the wine on his tongue. She gave herself over to him then, allowing him to kiss her cheek and her neck, and she leaned back, reveling in the sensation. She could feel the moisture of his lips as they brushed against her skin, and she slid her arms around his neck.
This is what it feels like to really love someone, she thought, and to be loved in return, and she could feel the tears beginning to form. She blinked, trying to will them back, but all at once, they were impossible to stop. She loved him and wanted him, but more than that, she wanted him to love the real her, with all her flaws and secrets. She wanted him to know the whole truth.
They kissed for a long time in the kitchen, their bodies pressed together, his hand moving over her back and in her hair. She shivered at the feel of the slight stubble on his cheeks. When he ran a finger over the skin of her arm, she felt a flood of liquid heat course through her body.
“I want to be with you but I can’t,” she finally whispered, hoping that he wouldn’t be angry.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. “There’s no way tonight could have been any more wonderful than it’s already been.”
“But you’re disappointed.”
He brushed a strand of hair from her face. “It’s not possible for you to disappoint me,” he said.
She swallowed, trying to rid herself of her fears.
“There’s something you should know about me,” she whispered.
“Whatever it is, I’m sure I can handle it.”
She leaned into him again.
“I can’t be with you tonight,” she whispered, “for the same reason I could never marry you.” She sighed. “I have a husband.”
“I know,” he whispered.
“It doesn’t matter to you?”
“It’s not perfect, but trust me, I’m not perfect, either, so maybe it’s best if we take all of this one day at a time. And when you’re ready, if you’re ever ready, I’ll be waiting.” He brushed her cheek with his finger. “I love you, Katie. You might not be ready to say those words now, and maybe you’ll never be able to say them, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
“Alex…”
“You don’t have to say it,” he said.
“Can I explain?” she asked, finally pulling back.
He didn’t bother to hide his curiosity.
“I want to tell you something,” she said. “I want to tell you about me.”
17
