slightly. 'Knowing you can give Hamish the physical intimacy I can't hurts badly enough sometimes all by itself, Honor. I don't blame you for it; I don't blame Hamish for it. I don't even blame God for it, very much, anymore. But it does hurt, and I'd be lying if I told you it didn't.'
A tear trickled down Honor's cheek as she tasted Emily's determination to be totally candid, not just with Honor and Hamish, but with herself. Perhaps to be totally candid with herself for the very first time.
'I look at you, Honor,' she said, green eyes glistening, 'and I remember. I remember what it was like to have two legs that worked. To be able to stand on my own. To be able to move. To be able to feel anything-anything at all-below my shoulders. To be able to breathe by myself.'
She looked away and drew a deep, shuddering breath.
'Did Hamish ever tell you just how bad the damage was, Honor?' she asked.
'We've discussed it... some,' Honor said with an odd serenity, returning candor for candor, and reached out to wipe a tear from Emily's cheek with her thumb. 'Not in great detail.'
'It wasn't just my spine that was smashed in that accident,' Emily said, still looking away from Honor. 'They repaired everything they could, but there was an enormous amount of damage that couldn't be fixed. Or that there was no point in fixing, anyway, because I haven't felt anything except my right hand-anything at all, Honor-below my shoulders in sixty T-years. Nothing.'
She looked back at Honor again.
'I can't survive outside this chair. Can't even breathe on my own. And there you are. So healthy, so fit. And so beautiful, though I doubt you actually realize it. Everything I once was, you are, and, oh, God, Honor, there are times I resent it so. When it hurts so much.'
She stopped for a moment, blinking, then smiled tremulously.
'But you aren't me. You're someone else entirely. A rather wonderful someone else, actually. When I first realized-when you first told me-how you and Hamish truly felt about one another, it was hard. I realized, intellectually, at least, that it wasn't your fault, and I recognized how dreadfully the two of you had hurt yourselves in order to avoid hurting me. And because of that, and because of the political consequences if the world had believed the Opposition's smear campaign, I made the decision-the intellectual decision-to accept what couldn't be changed and try to minimize the consequences.
'It was only later, when I'd come to truly know you, that I realized emotionally, deep down inside, that you truly are a part of Hamish, and so a part of me, as well. But that still doesn't make you me. And the hurt I still feel sometimes when I look at you standing beside Hamish, where I used to be able to stand, or think about you in his bed, where I used to be, is so much less important than who you are and what you mean to Hamish... and to me.
'And now this.' She shook her head. 'Now, whether you meant to or not, you've moved still further beyond me. Moved to do something else I used to be able to see myself doing. A baby, Honor.' She blinked again. 'You're going to have a baby-Hamish's baby. And that hurts, hurts so terribly... and feels so wonderful.'
A glow of joy flowed out of her, like sunlight through the chinks between thunderheads. It wasn't really happiness-not yet. There was too much jagged-edged hurt and a lingering resentment which knew it was both unreasonable and irrational. But it was joy, and within it Honor sensed the capacity to become happiness.
'Hamish and I have discussed this,' Honor told her, meeting her gaze steadily. 'We both want the child. But even more, we want to avoid hurting or distressing you. Among the philanthropies Willard is overseeing for me from Grayson I've got at least three orphanages and two adoption affiliates, one on Grayson, and one here in the Star Kingdom. We can place this child for adoption, Emily. We can guarantee that she-or he-will have loving, supportive parents.'
'No, you can't,' Emily said. 'Can't place it for adoption, I mean. I know you could find loving parents. But I couldn't ask you to give up your child. And if something does happen to you, I couldn't ask Hamish to give up the only part of you that he-we-could keep.'
'So,' Honor paused and drew a deep breath. 'So you want us to keep the baby?'
'Of course I do!' Emily looked at her. 'I'm not saying I don't have mixed feelings, because I do. You know that, if anyone does. But mixed feelings can get themselves unmixed, and even if they couldn't, how could I possibly ask you to give up your child just to spare my feelings?
Honor closed her eyes, pressing Emily's hand more firmly against her cheek, and, to her surprise, Emily chuckled.
'Of course,' she went on, her voice and the glow of her emotions both much closer to normal, 'now that I've gotten past my initial surprise, I can see where this could pose a few problems. I don't suppose the two of you are hoping I can help solve them... again?'
'Actually,' Honor said, raising her head and smiling a bit mistily at Emily, 'that's exactly what we're hoping.'
'All right, let's look at the problem and our options for dealing with it,' Emily said much later that evening, after the supper dishes had been cleared away and the three humans and two treecats were alone once more. She'd regained most of her emotional balance, and Honor treasured the serenity flowing from her.
'First, Honor's-our-giving up this child is not an option,' Emily continued. 'Second, Honor's carrying the child to term naturally is also not an option. Third, the potential political consequences of our acknowledging the pregnancy at this particular point in time would be... difficult. Both here, in the Star Kingdom, and on Grayson. Fourth,' she looked back and forth between her husband and Honor, 'however we resolve the problems, I want and intend to be involved in raising this child. So, with option number one already settled, what about the second one?'
'Under normal circumstances,' Honor said, 'and bearing in mind that Mother is from Beowulf, the solution would be simple. She'd become my surrogate, but I'm afraid that won't work here.'
'Why not?' Emily asked, cocking her head. Honor looked at her, and Emily flipped her hand in the gesture she used for a shrug. 'It just seems like such a good idea from so many perspectives, I'm wondering if we're thinking about the same difficulties.'
'It would be a wonderful idea,' Honor agreed, just a trifle sadly. 'Mother's always had easy pregnancies, and the twins are just old enough now that she's started missing having a toddler around. And I can't think of anyone who would be a better surrogate. But legally, this child will replace Faith in the Harrington succession, and eventually I'm going to have to acknowledge that publicly, which presents all sorts of problems in using Mother as my surrogate. If she's visibly pregnant, the assumption on Grayson will be-unless we tell them to the contrary-that Father is the father.'
She paused and chuckled wryly.
''Father is the father,'' she repeated. 'Does that sound as odd to you as it does to me?'
'It does sound a bit peculiar,' Hamish conceded. 'But you were saying?'
'I was saying that everyone will assume the child is Mother's, and she's much too visible to be pregnant without someone's noticing. Which means that either we tell everyone, including the Conclave of Steadholders, who the actual biological parents are, or else we have to lie.'
She shook her head, all humor fled.
'I won't do that. I can't. Not only would it be wrong, but it would be politically disastrous for me when the truth finally did come out. It would be far better, in terms of Grayson perceptions and politics, for me to go ahead and acknowledge Hamish as the child's father right now, despite all the potential adverse reaction, than to be caught lying about the paternity of my child before her birth. And,' she looked back and forth between Emily and Hamish, 'maybe I've been a Grayson too long myself, but I'd agree with them.'
'But eventually you're going to have to tell them what happened, and when,' Emily pointed out.
'I'm willing to stand on my legal and moral right to privacy,' Honor replied. 'I'm not saying my Graysons will be happy about it when the truth comes out, however we handle it, but they'll accept that I had the right to not tell them something at all much better than they will my having lied about it.'
'Don't you have an obligation as Steadholder Harrington to inform the Conclave of the birth of any heir to the Steading?' Hamish asked, frowning intently.
'Not precisely.'
Honor reached out and handed Nimitz a stick of celery. The 'cat broke it neatly in half and passed one piece on to his mate, and she watched the two of them chew blissfully-and messily-for a second. Then she looked back up at Hamish and Emily.
