'As my prowess and skills progressed, your father approached my mother, Elaine. He was hoping to strike a bargain with her. He felt that my abilities were advanced enough that I might be a guard of sorts for you. He reasoned that since we were of a similar age, I could become acquainted with you and you wouldn't suspect me of anything other than another admirer,' he finished.
'Why didn't you just come out and tell me the truth?' Tazi said, torn between anger and an emotion she refused to name.
'First,' Steorf replied, 'your father rightly suspected that you would resist any offers of protection.'
When Tazi remained silent, Steorf said, 'Tell me honestly that if you thought I was a bodyguard you wouldn't have escaped from me-and had a bloody good time doing it-the first chance you got.'
Tazi lowered her gaze and stifled a giggle, not wanting to wake Fannah.
'I would've done a good job of it, too,' she answered when she lifted her head.
'You would've tried,' he told her with some of his old cockiness. 'But the issue was moot, because my mother refused the whole arrangement. She felt someone would eventually find out about it, and she didn't want to have too close an alliance with any one member of the Old Chauncel.
That should have been the end of it, but I caught wind of the bargain and approached your father discreetly to accept his offer. He said he was impressed with my ability to 'see past my mother's robes,' but I secretly suspected he was just pleased to get his way. Little did he realize it was me who was getting my way.
That was how I managed to live the life I wanted for over seven years. You didn't know of the bargain I struck with your father, and my mother never discovered my secret outings. I don't think she would've understood. Elaine so wants me to be the next premier mage of Selgaunt. Our forays just don't fit into that plan.'
'But you do have the talent for the job,' Tazi told him.
'I know I do. I just don't know if I want it,' he answered. 'I want the choice to be mine, not something that is simply foisted onto my shoulders. I want the freedom to choose. You, more than anyone else, know the value of choice.'
Tazi nodded.
'With you,' Steorf went on, 'I was free somehow. I recognized that kindred spirit in you. There were many times I wanted to tell you about the deal with your father, but I was afraid of your anger. I hoped you'd never find out. Keeping that secret from you made us both vulnerable to Ciredor. I won't let that happen again. Not any longer.'
'I wish you would've told me from the beginning. I'd like to think I would've appreciated the joke on my father,' Tazi replied, though she was not entirely convinced by Steorf's confession.
'You don't know that you would've. I didn't want to risk that after I had become so close to you,' Steorf said.
'No, I don't know for sure what I would've done,' she agreed. 'We'll never know nor will we ever get these last two years back that we lost. Now we can only go forward.'
'I hope so.'
'I think we should start to pack up,' Tazi told him.
She wanted to get moving, but she also wanted to have some time to herself, even if it was in the saddle, to mull over Steorf's revelations. She wanted and needed to believe him, but the wound ran deep, like a fault line in the bedrock of their friendship.
Tazi woke Fannah, who was on her feet straight away. It took only a short time to break down their impromptu camp and pack everything onto their mounts. Tazi inspected them briefly and hoped they had had enough rest.
Don't fail us, she thought as she stroked the side of her mount. I can't imagine doing this on foot.
Steorf got them on course, and the three of them traveled for several hours almost in single file. While it made sense to stay as quiet as possible to conserve strength, Tazi knew that Steorf was leaving her to think over what he had told her. She wanted to believe in him again, like she used to.
But how do I go back to the way things were when the trust has been so damaged? she asked herself.
She remembered the answer she had given Steorf: We go forward.
'Steorf…' she said, breaking the silence and spurring her mount ahead.
She was unable to finish her sentence. Fannah let out a short gasp as her mount stumbled and fell to the ground. Tazi and Steorf dismounted swiftly and went over to Fannah and her horse.
'Are you all right?' Tazi asked Fannah as she helped the blind woman to her feet.
'Yes,' she replied, somewhat shaken. 'I seem to be in one piece. What's the matter with my horse? Did it turn a leg in a sinkhole?'
Steorf knelt by the quietly whimpering beast. It had snapped a foreleg in its fall, but there was nothing around to explain why it should have tumbled.
'Should I try to repair the damage?' he asked Tazi.
Her heart went out to the suffering stallion but she knew they had to conserve every bit of their resources and that included Steorf's strength. She shook her head sadly and knelt by the beast.
She drew her small, razor sharp dagger and said, 'I'm sorry.'
She stroked its neck as she prepared to cut his throat, and the horse jerked as her hand neared its jaw. Puzzled, Tazi lay down her dagger and gently opened its mouth.
'Ugh,' she gasped.
It was lined with swollen, black leeches. She expertly slit the animal's neck to end its suffering, realizing there was nothing more to be done for the creature. Its blood pooled black in the sand around Tazi's knees. She rose to her feet.
'We need to check the other two,' she told Fannah and Steorf.
Sure enough, both of the other horses' mouths also contained the bloodsuckers, but to a lesser degree. She and Steorf pried the parasites from the animals' mouths. As they were almost totally engorged with blood, the leeches came out easily. They squirmed, bloated, on the hot sand. Tazi stomped on them callously and tried to keep her stomach from turning at the moist sounds they made under her boots.
'How did the horses get infested?' Fannah asked after Tazi and Steorf were done with the vermin.
'My fault,' Tazi said, shaking her head once. 'I shouldn't have let the mounts drink from that marshy water at our last stop. It looked clear enough, and I only wanted to conserve our water for as long as possible.
'Your mount,' she told Fannah, 'must have been so weakened by blood loss that it stumbled and snapped a leg.'
She went over to Fannah's horse and began to move the supplies over to Steorf's mount.
As she struggled angrily with one of the straps on the packs, she told Steorf over her shoulder, 'I'll have Fannah ride behind me, and you can carry the other provisions. Hopefully, that won't put too much strain on the horses.'
Steorf helped her with the gear and said, 'You couldn't have known. None of us did.'
'But I've got to know,' she snapped. 'I can't afford to make any more mistakes out here.'
'We won't,' he promised her.
Tazi turned away and walked over to where Fannah was waiting for her, looking extremely vulnerable with the massive Calim Desert around her.
'I just can't fail,' she muttered.
CHAPTER 13
'How is your mount holding up?' Steorf asked Tazi, breaking the hot silence.
'He's all right,' she replied.
She was certain her horse was as exhausted as they were but they had no choice other than to continue forward and drive the animals on with them. The loss of the third horse was wearing the other two animals down very quickly.
