there for a long while, has it not?'
'In some form or other, I suppose, ever since my return to Amber.'
'I wonder,' she said, 'whether you might have been happier before you regained your memory.'
'It is one of those impossible questions,' I said. 'I might also be dead if I had not. But putting that part aside for a moment, in those times there was still a thing that drove me, that troubled me every day. I was constantly looking for ways to discover who I really was, what I was.'
'But were you happier, or less happy, than you are now?'
'Neither,' I said. 'Things balance out. It is, as you suggested, a state of mind. And even if it were not so, I could never go back to that other life, now that I know who I am, now that I have found Amber.'
'Why not?'
'Why do you ask me these things?'
'I want to understand you,' she said. 'Ever since I first heard of you back in Rebma, even before Random told me stories, I wondered what it was that drove you. Now I've the opportunity-no right, of course, just the opportunity-I felt it worth speaking out of turn and order beyond my station simply to ask you.'
A half-chuckle caught me.
'Fairly taken,' I said. 'I will see whether I can be honest. Hatred drove me at first-hatred for my brother Eric-and my desire for the throne. Had you asked me on my return which was the stronger, I would have said that it was the summons of the throne. Now, though... now I would have to admit that it was actually the other way around. I had not realized it until this moment, but it is true. But Eric is dead and there is nothing left of what I felt then. The throne remains, but now I find that my feelings toward it are mixed. There is a possibility that none of us has a right to it under present circumstances, and even if all family objections were removed I would not take it at this time. I would have to see stability restored to the realm and a number of questions answered first.'
'Even if these things showed that you may not have the throne?'
'Even so.'
'Then I begin to understand.'
'What? What is there to understand?'
'Lord Corwin, my knowledge of the philosophical basis of these things is limited, but it is my understanding that you are able to find anything you wish within Shadow. This has troubled me for a long while, and I never fully understood Random's explanations. If you wished, could not each of you walk in Shadow and find yourself another Amber-like this one in all respects, save that you ruled there or enjoyed whatever other status you might desire?'
'Yes, we can locate such places,' I said.
'Then why is this not done, to have an end of strife?'
'It is because a place could be found which seemed to be the same-but that would be all. We are a part of this Amber as surely as it is a part of us. Any shadow of Amber would have to be populated with shadows of ourselves to seem worth while. We could even except the shadow of our own person should we choose to move into a ready realm. However, the shadow folk would not be exactly like the other people here. A shadow is never precisely like that which casts it. These little differences add up. They are actually worse than major ones. It would amount to entering a nation of strangers. The best mundane comparison which occurs to me is an encounter with a person who strongly resembles another person you know. You keep expecting him to act like your acquaintance; worse yet, you have a tendency to act toward him as you would toward that other. You face him with a certain mask and his responses are not appropriate. It is an uncomfortable feeling. I never enjoy meeting people who remind me of other people. Personality is the one thing we cannot control in our manipulations of Shadow. In fact, it is the means by which we can tell one another from shadows of ourselves. This is why Flora could not decide about me for so long, back on the shadow Earth: my new personality was sufficiently different.'
'I begin to understand,' she said. 'It is not just Amber for you. It is the place plus everything else.'
'The place plus everything else... That is Amber,' I agreed.
'You say that your hate died with Eric and your desire for the throne has been tempered by the consideration of new things you have learned.'
'That is so.'
'Then I think I do understand what it is that moves you.'
'The desire for stability moves me,' I said, 'and something of curiosity-and revenge on our enemies...'
'Duty,' she said. 'Of course.'
I snorted.
'It would be comforting to put such a face on it,' I said. 'As it is, however, I will not be a hypocrite. I am hardly a dutiful son of Amber or of Oberon.'
'Your voice makes it plain that you do not wish to be considered one.'
I closed my eyes, closed them to join her in darkness, to recall for a brief while the world where other messages than light waves took precedence. I knew then that she had been right about my voice. Why had I trodden so heavily on the idea of duty as soon as it was suggested? I like credit for being good and clean and noble and high-minded when I have it coming, even sometimes when I do not-the same as the next person. What bothered me about the notion of duty to Amber? Nothing. What was it then? Dad.
I no longer owed him anything, least of all duty. Ultimately, he was responsible for the present state of affairs. He had fathered a great brood of us without providing for a proper succession, he had been less than kind to all of our mothers and he then expected our devotion and support. He played favorites and, in fact, it even seemed he played us off against one another. He then got suckered into something he could not handle and left the kingdom in a mess. Sigmund Freud had long ago anesthetized me to any normal, generalized feelings of resentment which might operate within the family unit. I have no quarrel on those grounds. Facts are another matter. I did not dislike my father simply because he had given me no reason to like him; in truth, it seemed that he had labored in the other direction. Enough. I realized what it was that bothered me about the notion of duty: its object
'You are right,' I said, opening my eyes, regarding her, 'and I am glad that you told me of it.'
I rose.
'Give me your hand,' I said.
She extended her right hand and I raised it to my lips.
'Thank you,' I said. 'It was a good lunch.'
I turned and made my way to the door. When I looked back she had blushed and was smiling, her hand still partly raised, and I began to understand the change in Random.
'Good luck to you,' she said, the moment my footsteps ceased.
'... And you,' I said, and went out quickly.
I had been planning to see Brand next, but just could not bring myself to do it. For one thing, I did not want to encounter him with my wits dulled by fatigue. For another, talking with Vialle was the first pleasant thing which had happened to me in some time, and just this once I was going to quit while I was ahead.
I mounted the stairs and walked the corridor to my room, thinking, of course, of the night of the knifings as I fitted my new key to my new lock. In my bedchamber, I drew the drapes against the afternoon's light, undressed, and got into bed. As on other occasions of rest after stress with more stress pending, sleep eluded me for a time. For a long while I tossed and twisted, reliving events of the past several days and some from even farther back. When finally I slept, my dreams were an amalgam of the same material, including a spell in my old cell, scraping away at the door.
It was dark when I awoke and I actually felt rested. The tension gone out of me, my reverie was much more peaceful. In fact, there was a tiny charge of pleasant excitement dancing through the back of my head. It was a tip-of-the-tongue imperative, a buried notion that-Yes!
I sat up. I reached for my clothes, began to dress. I buckled on Grayswandir. I folded a blanket and tucked it under my arm. Of course...
My mind felt clear and my side had stopped throbbing. I had no idea how long I had slept, and it was hardly worth checking at this point. I had something far more important to look into, something which should have occurred to me a long while ago—had occurred, as a matter of fact. I had actually been staring right at it once, but the crush of time and events had ground it from my mind. Until now.
I locked my room behind me and headed for the stairs. Candles flickered, and the faded stag who had been dying for centuries on the tapestry to my right looked back on the faded dogs who had been pursuing him for
