Betrayal

'Mostly good, I think.'

'Mostly good, you think? That's not the most enthusiastic response I've ever heard.'

'No. I guess not. I'm just…kind of at a loss somehow. I don't really feel whole in some way. It's like I'm waiting for something, but I'm not sure what it is, or even if I'll recognize it when it comes along. Does that make any sense?'

'More than you think. Are you seeing anybody?'

'More or less. I'm a little conflicted about him too. In fact…' She stopped.

Eileen's head fell off angling to one side in her trademark gesture. 'Yes?'

Tara sighed. This close to Eileen's physical presence, now, she almost imagined she could feel emanations of her son in the air around them. And it affected her still, this sense of some deep-rooted connection between them that she'd never approached with anyone else. Certainly not with Ron Nolan.

So why, then, was she still seeing Ron? Was it only because she'd given up on Evan after he'd clearly stopped caring about her? Or was there something simply easier about Ron? Love didn't have to be all- encompassing and overpowering, did it? True, deep, abiding love was a fairy tale, a myth. She'd found that out the hard way. Now she'd moved on into an adult, reality-based relationship that could never hurt her the way she'd been hurt with Evan. And that was smart. She was in a better place, all in all. She had to believe that.

Besides, Evan would never take her back now. Not after what she'd done. She knew that, and she didn't blame him.

' Tara?' Eileen stepped closer to her. 'What?'

She tried to smile, mostly failing in the effort. 'Nothing really. Just what I said, being conflicted about this guy.'

'Well, if you'll take some advice from an old woman who loves you, don't do anything irrevocable unless you're sure.'

'Oh, don't worry. I'm a long way from either of those-irrevocable, or sure. I keep thinking it's the Christmas season, those old high expectations that don't seem to pan out.' She swallowed against a surge of emotion that suddenly had come upon her. 'Maybe Evan and I shouldn't have had such good times with you and the family back in the day. I keep waiting for it to feel that way again at Christmastime.'

'It still can, you know.'

'Well, maybe. I can keep hoping, at least.' Putting on a smile now, Tara reached for some vegetables. 'Anyway, I don't mean to sound so negative. Next to what you're going through, my life's great.'

'Ours is, too, dear,' Eileen said. 'Evan's alive and we pray he'll be fine someday. It's been a bit of a challenge, but the worst is definitely behind us. Having gotten through the worst of it, I don't know if we could be happier.'

'Well, that's the best news I could hear. You deserve it.'

'Everybody deserves happiness, dear.'

'Good people deserve it more.'

'I don't know about that.' Eileen laid a hand on Tara 's arm. 'But either way, you do. You're a good person.'

'Not as good as you think.' Not even close, she thought. She could not shake the feeling that somehow she had cheated on Evan, even though they'd broken up, even though they weren't a couple any longer, even though she hadn't written him one letter since he'd gone overseas. 'I shouldn't have been so pigheaded with Evan,' she said. 'I should have written him and…'

'Hey, hey, hey.' Eileen moved up closer to her. 'You two had a disagreement. You did what you thought was right and so did he. That's not either of you being a bad person. You're both good people.' She rubbed Tara 's arm reassuringly. 'Maybe you could write him now, just a friendly little note. I'm sure he'd like to hear from you.'

'No, I couldn't do that. Besides, it's too late for that now. He's better off without me.'

'Don't you think he should be the judge of that? Maybe I'll just tell him I saw you and you said to tell him hello. I know he'd be glad to hear that. Would that be too much?'

'I don't know, Eileen. It might be.'

'If he wrote you, do you think you could write back?'

Tara 's head tracked a pathetic little arc. She bit at her lip. 'I don't even know if I could promise that.' She put her own hand over the other woman's. 'We tried, Eileen, we really did. But now it's just'-she shrugged-'it's just behind us.'

Eileen, ever serene, nodded. 'And that's all right too. If you change your mind and want to see him when he gets back, you've got our numbers still, I'm sure. Or even if you'd like to drop by and see us before that, you're welcome anytime. You know that, I hope.'

'I know that. Thank you.' She leaned over and planted a kiss on Eileen's cheek. 'You're great. I love you.'

Eileen held herself against Tara for a moment, then pulled away. 'I love you, too, girl, and you're also pretty great. Us pretty greats have to stick together. And try not to be so hard on ourselves.'

'I'll try,' she said. Tara 's vision had suddenly misted over. 'I'll really try.'

'I know you will. It was wonderful seeing you, dear. Be happy.' With a quick last little kiss on the cheek and a smile, Eileen pushed her shopping cart by behind Tara, turned the corner at the end of the aisle, and was gone.

Nolan arrived at Tara 's place within twenty minutes of getting her call. Now Tara sat in her big chair, drinking her second glass of wine. It was nearly dark inside, the only light in the living room coming from the kitchen. With his own drink of scotch in hand, Nolan sat with his elbows on his knees, way forward on the couch, intent. 'You've got to be kidding me. It must have happened within a week or two after I left.'

'You didn't know anything about it?'

'Nothing. Why would I know anything about it?'

'Don't get defensive, Ron. You were there, that's why.'

'I'm sorry, but no. It must have been after I left. Evan was trying to get himself and his guys transferred out of the airport and back to their regular unit the last couple of weeks I was there. It sounds like that's what must have happened. If they were still with us, Jack Allstrong would have mentioned it to me, I'm sure.' Pushing himself back into the cushions, he sat back and crossed his legs. 'His mom says he's at Walter Reed now?'

'For the last few months.'

'Jesus,' he said, 'that's unbelievable.' But if Nolan's pose was relaxed, he felt far from it-his assumption had all along been that Evan was dead, or at least permanently rendered mentally incompetent. After the RPG hit at Masbah, Onofrio had insisted that they pile Evan into the Humvee. Nolan had field-assessed the damage to Evan's head, and it didn't look like the kind of wound from which people recovered, so he'd let himself be persuaded.

Now Nolan drummed his fingers on the arm of the couch. 'But his mother said they expect him to get better?'

'Completely, though maybe not soon.'

'Well, that's good news, at least. And she told you all of the other troops were killed?'

'All but one, that's what Eileen said. And then Evan.'

Nolan raked his palm down the side of his face. 'God, those guys. They were good kids. I can't believe…I mean, they shouldn't have even been there. They should have been fixing big trucks.' He looked across at her, so lovely and vulnerable in the dim December night. Her tears had begun again and now glistened on her cheeks. 'How are you doing with this, T? You want to go see him?'

'No!' The word came out in a rush. Then, more reflectively, she said, 'I don't know what good that would do. I just didn't really expect anything like this, that's all. Maybe I should have, you know, but it just…when it's someone you know, who you loved…' She let out a weary sigh. 'I don't know what to do with it. I want him to be okay, but Eileen asked me if I wanted to get back in touch with him, and I couldn't say I did. Although sometimes I think…'

'What?'

'No, it just would sound bad. For us, I mean.'

'I can take it.'