Side Effects

Kugelmass said to the magician one day. 'I always have to meet her before she hooks up with this Rodolphe character.'

'Why?' Persky asked. 'You can't beat his time?'

'Beat his time. He's landed gentry. Those guys have nothing better to do than flirt and ride horses. To me, he's one of those faces you see in the pages of Women's Wear Daily. With the Helmut Berger hairdo. But to her he's hot stuff.'

'And her husband suspects nothing?'

'He's out of his depth. He's a lacklustre little paramedic who's thrown in his lot with a jitterbug. He's ready to go to sleep by ten, and she's putting on her dancing shoes. Oh, well… See you later.'

And once again Kugelmass entered the cabinet and passed instantly to the Bovary estate at Yonville. 'How you doing, cupcake?' he said to Emma.

'Oh, Kugelmass,' Emma sighed. 'What I have to put up with. Last night at dinner, Mr. Personality dropped off to sleep in the middle of the dessert course. I'm pouring my heart out about Maxim's and the ballet, and out of the blue I hear snoring.'

'It's O.K., darling. I'm here now,' Kugelmass said, embracing her. I've earned this, he thought, smelling Emma's French perfume and burying his nose in her hair. I've suffered enough. I've paid enough analysts. I've searched till I'm weary. She's young and nubile, and I'm here a few pages after Leon and just before Rodolphe. By showing up during the correct chapters, I've got the situation knocked.

Emma, to be sure, was just as happy as Kugelmass. She had been starved for excitement, and his tales of Broadway night life, of fast cars and Hollywood and TV stars, enthralled the young French beauty.

'Tell me again about O. J. Simpson,' she implored that evening, as she and Kugelmass strolled past Abbe Bournisien's church.

'What can I say? The man is great. He sets all kinds of rushing records. Such moves. They can't touch him.'

'And the Academy Awards?' Emma said wistfully. 'I'd give anything to win one.'

'First you've got to be nominated.'

'I know. You explained it. But I'm convinced I can act. Of course, I'd want to take a class or two. With Strasberg maybe. Then, if I had the right agent-'

'We'll see, we'll see. I'll speak to Persky.'

That night, safely returned to Persky's flat, Kugelmass brought up the idea of having Emma visit him in the big city.

'Let me think about it,' Persky said. 'Maybe I could work it. Stranger things have happened.' Of course, neither of them could think of one.

'Where the hell do you go all the time?' Daphne Kugelmass barked at her husband as he returned home late that evening. 'You got a chippie stashed somewhere?'

'Yeah, sure, I'm just the type,' Kugelmass said wearily. 'I was with Leonard Popkin. We were discussing Socialist agriculture in Poland. You know Popkin. He's a freak on the subject.'

'Well, you've been very odd lately,' Daphne said. 'Distant. Just don't forget about my father's birthday. On Saturday?'

'Oh, sure, sure,' Kugelmass said, heading for the bathroom.

'My whole family will be there. We can see the twins. And Cousin Hamish. You should be more polite to Cousin Hamish-he likes you.'

'Right, the twins,' Kugelmass said, closing the bathroom door and shutting out the sound of his wife's voice. He leaned against it and took a deep breath. In a few hours, he told himself, he would be back in Yonville again, back with his beloved. And this time, if all went well, he would bring Emma back with him.

At three-fifteen the following afternoon, Persky worked his wizardry again. Kugelmass appeared before Emma, smiling and eager. The two spent a few hours at Yonville with Binet and then remounted the Bovary carriage. Following Persky's instructions, they held each other tightly, closed their eyes, and counted to ten. When they opened them, the carriage was just drawing up at the side door of the Plaza Hotel, where Kugelmass had optimistically reserved a suite earlier in the day.

'I love it! It's everything I dreamed it would be,' Emma said as she swirled joyously around the bedroom, surveying the city from their window. 'There's F. A. O. Schwarz. And there's Central Park, and the Sherry is which one? Oh, there-I see. It's too divine.'

On the bed there were boxes from Halston and Saint Laurent. Emma unwrapped a package and held up a pair of black velvet pants against her perfect body.

'The slacks suit is by Ralph Lauren,' Kugelmass said. 'You'll look like a million bucks in it. Come on, sugar, give us a kiss.'

'I've never been so happy!' Emma squealed as she stood before the mirror. 'Let's go out on the town. I want to see Chorus Line and the Guggenheim and this Jack Nicholson character you always talk about. Are any of his flicks showing?'

'I cannot get my mind around this,' a Stanford professor said. 'First a strange character named Kugelmass, and now she's gone from the book. Well, I guess the mark of a classic is that you can reread it a thousand times and always find something new.'

The lovers passed a blissful weekend. Kugelmass had told Daphne he would be away at a symposium in Boston and would return Monday. Savoring each moment, he and Emma went to the movies, had dinner in Chinatown, passed two hours at a discotheque, and went to bed with a TV movie. They slept till noon on Sunday, visited SoHo, and ogled celebrities at Elaine's. They had caviar and champagne in their suite on Sunday night and talked until dawn. That morning, in the cab taking them to Persky's apartment, Kugelmass thought, It was hectic, but worth it. I can't bring her here too often, but now and then it will be a charming contrast with Yonville.

At Persky's, Emma climbed into the cabinet, arranged her new boxes of clothes neatly around her, and kissed Kugelmass fondly. 'My place next time,' she said with a wink. Persky rapped three times on the cabinet. Nothing happened.

'Hmm,' Persky said, scratching his head. He rapped again, but still no magic. 'Something must be wrong,' he mumbled.

'Persky, you're joking!' Kugelmass cried. 'How can it not work?'

'Relax, relax. Are you still in the box, Emma?'

'Yes.'

Persky rapped again-harder this time.

'I'm still here, Persky.'

'I know, darling. Sit tight.'

'Persky, we have to get her back,' Kugelmass whispered. 'I'm a married man, and I have a class in three hours. I'm not prepared for anything more than a cautious affair at this point.'

'I can't understand it,' Persky muttered. 'It's such a reliable little trick.'

But he could do nothing. 'It's going to take a little while,' he said to Kugelmass. 'I'm going to have to strip it down. I'll call you later.'

Kugelmass bundled Emma into a cab and took her back to the Plaza. He barely made it to his class on time. He was on the phone all day, to Persky and to his mistress. The magician told him it might be several days before he got to the bottom of the trouble.

'How was the symposium?' Daphne asked him that night.

'Fine, fine,' he said, lighting the filter end of a cigarette.

'What's wrong? You're as tense as a cat.'

'Me? Ha, that's a laugh. I'm as calm as a summer night. I'm just going to take a walk.' He eased out the door, hailed a cab, and flew to the Plaza.

'This is no good,' Emma said. 'Charles will miss me.'