whether I was to be loved or hated.
I smiled at him cheerfully and asked what sort of a journey he'd had.
'A lot of traffic,' he said lamely.
'We didn't come here to talk about traffic,'Serena said forbiddingly. 'We want to know where Daddy is.'
Malcolm's little Serena, now taller than he, was dressed that day in royal blue with white frills at neck and wrists, a white woollen hat with a pompom on top covering her cap of fair hair. She looked a leggy sixteen, not ten years older. Her age showed only in the coldness of her manner towards me, which gave no sign of thawing.
In her high-pitched, girlish voice she said, 'We want him to settle very substantial sums on us all right now. Then he can go to blazes with the rest.'
I blinked. 'Who are you quoting?' I asked.
'Myself,' she said loftily, and then more probably added, 'Mummy too. And Gervase.'
It had Gervase's thug gish style stamped all over it.
Donald and Helen looked distinctly interested in the proposal. Ferdinand and Debs had of course heard it before.
'Gervase thinks it's the best solution,' Ferdinand said, nodding.
I doubted very much that Malcolm would agree, but said only,'I'll pass on your message next time he gets in touch with me.'
'But Joyce is sure you know where he is,' Donald objected.
'Not exactly,' I said. 'Do you know that Lucy and Edwin are here too?'
They were satisfactorily diverted, looking over their shoulders to see if they could spot them in the growing crowds.
'Didn't Joyce tell you she was sending so many of you here?' I asked generally, and it was Ferdinand, sideways, his face turned away, who answered.
'She told Serena to come here. She told Serena to tell me, which she did, so we came together. I didn't know about Donald and Helen or Lucy and Edwin. I expect she wanted to embarrass you.'
His eyes swivelled momentarily to my face, wanting to see my reaction. I don't suppose my face showed any. Joyce might call me 'darling' with regularity but could be woundingly unkind at the same time, and I'd had a lifetime to grow armour.
Ferdinand happened to be standing next to me. I said on impulse into his ear, 'Ferdinand, who killed Moira?'
He stopped looking for Lucy and Edwin and transferred his attention abruptly and wholly to me. I could see calculations going on in the pause before he answered, but I had no decoder for his thoughts. He was the most naturally congenial to me of all my brothers, yet the others were open books compared with him. He was secretive, as perhaps I was myself. He had wanted to build his own kitchen-wall hidey-hole when I'd built mine, only Malcolm had said we must share, that one was enough. Ferdinand had sulked and shunned me for a while, and smirked at Gervase's dead rats. I wondered to what extent people remained the same as they'd been when very young: whether it was safe to assume they hadn't basically changed, to believe that if one could peel back the layers of living one would come to the known child. I wanted Ferdinand to be as I had known him at ten, eleven, twelve – a boy dedicated to riding a bicycle while standing on his head on the saddle – and not in a million years a murderer.
'I don't know who killed Moira,' he said finally. 'Alicia says you did. She told the police it HAD to be you.'
'I couldn't have.'
'She says the police could break your alibi if they really tried.'
I knew that they HAD really tried: they'd checked every separate five minutes of my day, and their manner and their suspicions had been disturbing. 'And what do YOU think?' I asked curiously.
His eyelids flickered. 'Alicia says…'
I said abruptly, 'Your mother says too damned much. Can't you think for yourself?'
He was offended, as he would be. He hooked his arms through those of Debs and Serena and made an announcement. 'We three are going to have a drink and a sandwich. If you fall off and kill yourself, no one will miss you.'
I smiled at him, though his tone had held no joke.
'And don't be so bloody forgiving,' he said.
He whirled the girls away from me and marched them off. I wondered how he'd got the day off from work, though I supposed most people could if they tried. He was a statistician, studying to be an actuary in his insurance company. What were the probabilities, I wondered, of a thirty-two-year-old statistician whose wife had purple fingernails being present when his brother broke his neck at Sandown Park?
Donald and Helen said that they too would run a sandwich to earth (Donald's words) and Helen added earnestly that SHE would care that I finished the race safely, whatever Ferdinand said.
'Thanks,' I said, hoping I could believe he rand went back into the changing-room for an interval of thought.
Lucy and Edwin might leave before the end of the afternoon, and so might Donald and Helen, but Ferdinand wouldn't. He liked going racing. He'd said on one mellow occasion that he'd have been quite happy being a bookmaker; he was lightning fast at working out relative odds.
The problem of how to extract Malcolm unseen from the racecourse didn't end, either, with those members of the family I'd talked to. If they were all so certain I knew where Malcolm was, one of the others, more cunning, could be hiding behind trees, waiting to follow me when I left. There were hundreds of trees in Sandown Park.
The first race came and went, and in due course I went out to partner Young Higgins in the second.
Jo as usual had red cheeks from pleasure and hope. George was being gruffly businesslike, also as usual, telling me to be especially careful at the difficult first fence and to go easy up the hill past the stands the first time.
I put Malcolm out of my mind, and also murder and it wasn't difficult. The sky was a clear distant blue, the air crisp with the coming of autumn. The leaves on all those trees were yellowing, and the track lay waiting, green and springy, with the wide fences beckoning to be flown. Simple things; and out there one came starkly face to face with oneself, which I mostly found more exhilarating than frightening. So far, anyway.
Jo said, 'Only eight runners, just a perfect number,' and George said, as he always did, 'Don't lie too far back coming round the last long bend.'
I said I would try not to.
Jo's eyes were sparkling like a child's in her sixty-year-old face, and I marvelled that she had never in all that time lost the thrill of expectation in moments like these. There might be villains at every level in horse racing, but there were also people like Jo and George whose goodness and goodwill shone out like searchlights, who made the sport overall good fun and wholesome. Life and death might be serious in the real world, but life and death on a fast steeple chaser on a Friday afternoon in the autumn sunshine was a lighthearted toss-up, an act of health on a sick planet.
I fastened the strap of my helmet, was thrown up on Young Higgins and rode him out onto the track. Perhaps if I'd been a professional and ridden up to ten times as often I would have lost the swelling joy that that moment always gave me: one couldn't grin like a maniac, even to oneself, at a procession of bread-and-butter rides on cold days, sharp tracks, bad horses.
Young Higgins was living up to his name, bouncing on his toes and tossing his head in high spirits. We lined up with the seven others, all of whose riders I happened to know from many past similar occasions. Amateurs came in all guises: there was a mother, an aunt and a grandfather riding that afternoon, besides a journalist, an earl's son, a lieutenant-colonel, a show-jumper and myself. From the stands, only a keen eye could have told one from the other without the guidance of our colours, and that was what amateur racing was all about: the equality, the levelling anonymity of the starting gate.
The tapes went up and we set off with three miles to go, almost two whole circuits, twenty-two jumps and an uphill run to the winning post.
The aunt's horse, too strong for her, took hold of the proceedings and opened up an emphatic lead, which no one else bothered to cut down. The aunt's horse rushed into the difficult downhill first fence and blundered over it, which taught him a lesson and let his rider recover control, and for about a mile after that there were no dramatic
