It was a little, he thought, like seeing a work of art defaced.
I pushed myself away from the words on the wall, scurrying back across the floor of the apartment a little like a frightened spider, trying to avoid a heavy boot. I came to a rest with my back against the opposite wall, and I stopped, taking the time first to light a cigarette, and then pausing for a moment with my head up against my knees. I held the cigarette in my hand, letting the thin trail of smoke waft up toward my nostrils. I was listening for the Angel's voice, waiting for the sensation of his breath against the small hairs on the back of my neck. If he wasn't there, I knew he wasn't far. There was no sign of Peter or anyone else, although, for an instant I wondered if Cleo might not visit me in that moment.
All my ghosts were close by.
For a moment I thought of myself like some medieval necromancer, standing over a cauldron of bats' eyes and mandrake root, bubbling along, able to summon up whatever evil vision I needed.
When I opened my eyes to the small world around me, I asked her, 'Cleo? What happened? You didn't have to die.' I shook my head back and forth, closed my eyes, but in the darkness, I heard her speak in the gruff, rollicking tones that I had grown accustomed to.
'Oh, C-Bird, but I did. Goddamn bastards. I had to die. The sons of bitches killed me for sure. I knew they would, right from the first.'
I looked around to see her, but at first she was only a sound. Then slowly, like a sailboat emerging from the fog, Cleo took shape in front of me. She leaned up against the wall of writing, and lit her own smoke. She wore a frilly pastel house-dress and the same pink flip-flops I remembered from her death. In one hand she waved her cigarette, in the other, as I should have expected, a Ping-Pong paddle. Her eyes were lit with a kind of maniacal pleasure, as if she had been set free from something difficult and troubling.
'Who killed you, Cleo?'
'The bastards.'
'Who, in particular, Cleo?'
'But C-Bird, you know. You knew from the moment you got to the stairwell where I was waiting. You could see, couldn't you?'
'No,' I said, shaking my head. 'It was so confusing. I couldn't be sure.'
'But that was it, C-Bird. That was it. It was all a contradiction, and in that, you could see the truth, couldn't you?'
I wanted to say yes, but I still wasn't certain. I was young back then, and unsure, and it was the same today.
'He was there, wasn't he?'
'Of course. He was always there. Or maybe he wasn't there. It's all in how you looked at it, C-Bird. But you saw, didn't you.'
I was still undecided.
'What happened, Cleo? What really happened?'
'Why C-Bird, I died. You know that.'
'Yes, but how?'
'It should have been with an asp held to my breast.'
'It wasn't'
'No, alas, true enough. It wasn't. But still in my own way, it was close enough. I even got to say the words, C-Bird. 'I am dying, Egypt. Dying…' which was satisfying.'
'Who was there to hear them?'
'You know.'
I tried a different tack. 'Did you fight, Cleo?'
'I always fought, C-Bird. My whole sorry goddamn life was a fight.'
'But did you fight the Angel, Cleo?'
She grinned and waved the Ping-Pong paddle in the air, rearranging the smoke from her cigarette. 'Of course I did, C-Bird. You knew me. I wasn't going down easy.'
'He killed you?'
'No. Not exactly. But sort of, as well. It was like everything in the hospital, C-Bird. The truth was crazy and complicated and as mad as we all were.'
'I thought so,' I answered.
She laughed a little. 'I knew you could see it. Tell them now, like you tried to tell them back then. It would have been easier if they'd listened to you. But then, who ever wants to listen to the crazy people?'
This observation made us both smile, for it was the closest thing to the truth that either of us could muster in that moment.
I took a deep breath. I could feel a great welling loss, like a vacuum within me.
'I miss you, Cleo.'
'I miss you, too, C-Bird. I miss living. How about a game of Ping-Pong? I'll even spot you a couple of points.'
She smiled before she faded away.
I sighed, and turned back to the wall. A shadow seemed to have slithered over it, and the next sound I heard was the voice I wanted to forget.
'Little C-Bird wants answers before he dies, doesn't he?'
Each word was confusing, a little like a pounding headache, as if there were someone banging against the door of my imagination. I rocked back and wondered if there was someone actually trying to break in, and I cowered, hiding from the darkness that crept through the room. Within my heart I searched for brave words to respond with, but they were elusive. I could feel my hand quiver, and thought I was on the verge of some great pain, but from some recess I found a reply.
'I have all the answers,' I said. 'I always did.'
But this was as harsh an understanding as any that had ever come to me unbidden. It frightened me almost as much as the sound of the Angel's voice. I pressed back, and as I cowered, I heard the telephone ringing in the next room. The jangling only added to my nervousness. After a moment, it stopped, and I heard the answering machine that my sisters had purchased for me click on. 'Mister Petrel? Are you there?' The voice seemed distant, but familiar. 'It's Mister Klein at the Wellness Center. You have not arrived for the appointment that you promised you would attend. Please pick up the telephone. Mister Petrel? Francis? Please contact this office as soon as you get this message, otherwise I will be forced to take some action…'
I remained rooted in my spot.
'They will come for you,' I heard the Angel say. 'Can't you see, C-Bird? You're in a box and you can't get out.'
I closed my eyes, but it did no good. It was as if sounds increased in volume.
'They will come for you, Francis, and this time they will want to take you away forever. They will think: No more little apartment. No more job counting fish for the wildlife survey. No more Francis walking the streets getting in the way of everyday life. No more burden for your sisters or your elderly parents, Francis, who never loved you all that much anyway, after they saw what you would become. No, they will want to shut Francis away for the rest of his days. Locked up, strait jacketed drooling mess. That's what you will become, Francis. Surely you can see that…'
The Angel laughed a little before adding:'… Unless, of course, I kill you first.'
These words were as sharp as any knife blade.
I wanted to say 'What are you waiting for?' but instead, shifted about, and crawling like a baby, tears dripping down my face, crossed the floor toward the wall of words. He was right with me, every step, and I didn't understand yet why he had not seized hold of me. I tried to block out his presence, as if memory was my only salvation, and remembering Lucy's authoritative demand that seemed to cut across the years.
Lucy strode forward. 'No one should touch a thing,' she demanded. 'This is a crime scene!'
Mister Evans seemed confused by her appearance and stuttered some reply that didn't make immediate sense. Doctor Gulptilil, also taken aback by her outward change, shook his head, and stepped just
