Butchers Hill

Again, Molly made the introductions, but her voice was more strained this time. Sam reached out and shook their hands with a heartiness so familiar that Tess could almost imagine their overlapping DNA meeting at the fingertips. After all, she was related to her, too. There was as much Weinstein as there was King in this striking young girl.

'So what's Mom trying to save this time? A house, a whale, some Guatemalan kid? If she's not careful, she's going to give it all away and we'll have to get athletic scholarships to college, in which case my brothers are really in trouble.'

'I'm a fund-raising consultant,' Jackie said, her eyes drinking in the girl before her, taking in every detail. 'We're going over strategy.'

Sam was busy loading up a napkin with sandwiches and cheese straws. I know that appetite, Tess said. I just never knew which side it came from.

'I'm going to play with the pests, then walk over to Darla's house, okay? She wants to try on her new bathing suit for me, ask if I think it makes her look fat.'

'Okay,' Molly said, her voice croaking a little. And the girl ran away, long legs carrying across the lawn in a few quick strides.

'She's beautiful,' Jackie said.

'She looks like you,' Tess said. 'I'm surprised she didn't notice.'

'Girls that age, they're a little self-centered,' Molly offered apologetically. 'I don't think they can see anyone's face but their own.'

Jackie stood. 'Okay, that's enough.'

Molly looked up fearfully. 'Enough?'

'I've seen what I needed to see. I won't take her from you. She's a good girl, and she's happy. You've given her a life I never could have. Thank you.'

Tears fell down Molly's cheeks, but she tried to control herself so the children wouldn't realize anything was amiss. 'We could work something out, you know. I'm sure she'd love to know you, to have you be a part of her life. We'd have to talk to a psychologist, of course, but it could work. I know it could.'

'I don't think I can do it halfway,' Jackie said. 'I know I'm being selfish in a way, but I can't settle for just a piece of her. I gave her up thirteen years ago. I have to live with that.'

'We could tell her you're alive, at least, that you're not dead as she always assumed.'

Jackie shook her head. 'Maybe later, when she's a little older. But I'd like to help out, if I could. I could help with her college, or even the private school tuition.'

Molly wiped her eyes. 'Oh, Sam was kidding about my causes. David makes plenty of money, we're not hurting.'

Well, someone is, Tess thought, looking at Jackie's face. Someone is definitely hurting right now.

For the first time, Jackie let Tess take the wheel of her beloved Lexus. She crawled into the passenger seat and stared ahead, her face unreadable.

'For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing,' Tess offered, cautiously. 'It's hell for a single woman to bring up a kid.'

'I've got money,' Jackie said in a dull, flat voice. 'Money makes it easier. I could raise her if I wanted to. But what do I have to give her? My life is sterile. I don't have any real friends, any life. All I do is make money.'

'I wouldn't say that,' Tess said nervously. 'You're…self-contained, self-sufficient, but not sterile.'

'I am what I am, Tess. I adapted and I survived. The question is, what did I give up along the way? I gave up my daughter. I gave up myself.'

Tess thought of the Just-So Stories in Sal's Kipling Compendium, each one the story of someone who had changed in order to survive. The camel had to have a hump, the leopard had to develop spots, the elephant needed a nose, if only to remind him of the perils of satiable curiosity. For several miles, neither woman spoke.

'Are you going to be okay?' Tess asked as they headed east toward Butchers Hill. 'I mean, there's this thing at my mom's tonight that's absolutely mandatory, but if you need me, I'll go late, or leave early.'

'No, your job is done,' Jackie said. 'I asked you to find my daughter and you did. How much do I owe you?'

'The retainer more than covers it. You don't even owe me mileage. We always used your car.'

At the curb outside Tess's office, Jackie suddenly pressed a hand to her forehead.

'Do you have an aspirin in your office? I don't think I can make the drive back to Columbia feeling like this.'

Tess dashed inside and returned with a generic ibuprofen, a glass of water, and a panting Esskay, who also wanted to pay her respects. Jackie drank the water gratefully, patted the dog, then slid over the driver's seat, handing Tess her backpack along with the empty glass.

'Thank you,' she said formally, offering her hand. 'I actually came to like you over the past two weeks.'

'Hey, me too. How does the song go? You may have been a headache, but you never were a bore. Besides, we're connected, aren't we? We're family, if you think about it.'

'You and Sam are connected. There's really nothing between us.'

'Oh,' said Tess, feeling rebuffed. She thought they had shared quite a bit. Then Jackie smiled.

'What's so funny?'

'Oh, I was just thinking about our adventures together. Meeting Mr. Mole, going to that lesbian bar, that stupid story you made me tell about Fresh Lake Trout. Did you ever find that kid, by the way?'

'Yeah.' Insular Jackie had to be the one person in Baltimore who didn't know she had found Sal Hawkings. 'It didn't quite turn out the way I expected, but I found him.'

'And that white trash Willa Mott, the rabbit holes she sent us down. You think there ever was a Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, who planned to name their baby Caitlin?'

'I guess we'll never know.'

'I guess not,' Jackie said, waved, then drove out of Tess's life.

Tess and Esskay walked into the office. Tess sat down at her computer and looked at her once unblemished desk calendar. It wasn't so unsullied now. Names, leads, and doodles covered its surface, spilling over into days she hadn't even lived yet. There were rings from Coke cans, rogan josh drippings, greasy smears, and, of course, traces of chocolate. It was messy. Life was messy. She would have to remember to tell Jackie that. Life was messy.

Then she remembered she would never see Jackie again.

Chapter 25

Tess hated all seafood. Crab hated her back. One bite, the tinest sliver of its flesh in a casserole or a dip, and she'd go into anaphylactic shock, her trachea swelling until she couldn't breathe. On the plus side, her allergy had made for an unforgettable eighth birthday party for Noam Fischer. Whenever she ran into him, usually browsing the history table at the Smith College book sale, he still spoke of it with great cheer, as if it were a high point of his childhood. 'You turned blue! You almost died!'

So one might think that, given the twenty-nine years she had been hanging around, her own parents would be able to remember this salient fact. But as the crab feast got under way at the Monaghans' house, it quickly became apparent that Judith had forgotten to plan an alternative main course. Unless Tess found something in the pantry, she was going to dine on cole slaw, corn on the cob, and her own fruit salad, which she didn't even particularly like.

'Don't you have any peanut butter?' she asked her mother, pushing jars and cans around. Judith never threw anything out, so her well-organized shelves were filled with the exotic but not-quite-edible foods people send as gifts. Chutney, fruit cakes, jellies in strange flavors. 'I could at least make myself a sandwich.'