baggy T-shirt.
While the coffee was brewing, Xan engaged her in small talk, asking her where she grew up and how she liked living in Forest Hills, and she liked the way he seemed interested in what she was saying, looking right at her and not seeming at all distracted like Adam always did when she was talking to him. She could see why Marissa liked him so much. Not only was he very attractive and intelligent and talented, he was sincere and seemed like a genuinely good person. He was the type of guy Dana could’ve easily fallen for twenty or thirty years ago.
Later, Xan was back upstairs with Marissa, and Dana was alone in the kitchen, having yogurt with bananas and raisins along with her coffee, when Adam entered the house through the back door, sweat dripping down his face. He’d obviously been out jogging.
“Good morning,” he said, partly out of breath.
“Morning,” she said, trying to decide if she should mention anything about the coffee. She knew he’d blow it up into another whole “discussion,” use it as another opportunity to “express himself,” and she wasn’t fully awake yet and didn’t feel like she had the energy for all that. Then it occurred to her that this therapy phase of Adam’s was really a way of shutting her up, getting her to not express herself at all. Maybe he thought he was bringing openness to their marriage, but the discussions were so tiresome that the end result was that she no longer wanted to discuss anything with him. In the end, his desire to “communicate” had become a very effective way of cutting off communication entirely. “Is Xan still here?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, looking down at her yogurt.
He took a deep breath.
“Try not to think about it,” she said.
“It’s just so inappropriate,” he said.
Oh, God, not again.
“She’s had boyfriends spend the night before,” she said.
“Yeah, but she hardly knows this guy.”
Dana didn’t feel like getting into another pointless argument; it was too early in the morning for drama. So without another word she picked up her coffee and her bowl of yogurt and fruit and went in the dining room, thinking, You’re not the only one who can do the shutting up in this marriage.
After breakfast, Dana did some cleaning and laundry- she wanted to hire another maid, but she hadn’t gotten around to looking for one yet- and then the sun came out and it was turning into a very nice day, so she went out to the backyard and did some gardening. She’d already planted most of the bulbs for next spring, but she added more tulips and narcissuses and did some pruning of the rose and forsythia bushes. While she was working with the hedge clippers, her cell rang. When she saw Tony’s number on the display, she couldn’t help feeling turned on. This had happened whenever he’d tried to get in touch with her lately. Her first response was to become aroused- she’d actually get wet between her legs- but then logic interfered and she got upset, feeling like he was harassing her and wouldn’t leave her alone. She let her voice mail pick up and switched her phone to vibrate, but a few minutes later he called again. She ignored this call, too, but when he called a third time she worried that he was crossing a line, that he was becoming obsessive. She remembered how he’d sent flowers to the house, and she was afraid he’d do something like that again or, worse, show up at the door. She turned off her phone, hating herself for letting things reach this point. Just because she was unhappy in her marriage didn’t mean she had to go out and screw up her life. She could’ve talked to a therapist, tried to work things out. Her problems hadn’t been so unsolvable. She kept her phone off, but she was paranoid that Tony would try to call on the home phone or come by and ring the doorbell. Adam was around the house all day, reading and watching TV, and it was hard to be near him and act normal. A few times he asked her if everything was okay, and she said everything was fine, she was just feeling a little under the weather. Xan had left earlier in the day and then, at around five Marissa left with her knapsack/overnight bag.
Adam didn’t exactly seem thrilled about this, but he didn’t make a big stink about it either. Maybe he was starting to realize that Marissa was an adult, capable of making her own decisions, and he couldn’t stop her from doing whatever she wanted to do.
Dana and Adam had dinner- leftovers from last night- and it was actually nice to have some time alone together. Maybe she was finally starting to get over Tony, because for the first time in months or longer she had a good time with Adam. They talked about minutiae- movies, TV shows, neighborhood gossip- but it was a relief not to talk about the robbery for a change and not be at each other’s throats. She wondered if she’d been too critical of him lately, exaggerating his faults and ignoring the things she liked about him. He defi nitely seemed to be making an effort to change, taking much more of an interest in her than he had recently, and she wanted to change her behavior, too.
After all, she certainly hadn’t been an angel in this marriage.
She initiated sex with Adam. After their long drought, naturally it was awkward. The first time, he came too fast- he’d had an off- and- on problem with premature ejaculation for years- but she didn’t let her disappointment show, because she knew how sensitive he was about his occasional malfunctions. She thought that was it- maybe she’d use her sex toy or they’d go to bed- but he was able to get another erection, surprisingly, and they made love again. Two times in one night- this had to be the first time in at least ten years that they’d done that. He lasted much longer in round two, and she enjoyed it as much as she possibly could. She’d never thought he was incredibly sexy, but she used to think he had a nice chest, so, although his chest was flabbier than it used to be, she focused on it, imagining that it looked like it used to look. Of course, fantasizing only took her so far. It was just hard not to compare Adam to Tony- and despite Tony’s intellectual limitations, when it came to pure sexiness there was no comparison. Sex with Tony was always spontaneous and raw and intense, but sex with Adam was, well, sex with Adam. Like seeing a movie she’d seen dozens of times before, she always knew exactly what was coming next. But when she lowered her expectations, focused on the good rather than the bad- he was certainly gentler with her than Tony- the sex was actually okay. The next morning Adam left early to make his tee- off time at the country club in Great Neck. Later on in the morning, she took the SUV to Costco and stocked up on food for the week. She spent some time browsing in the books section, skimming self- help books with titles such as How to Survive an Affair and When Your Affair Ends. A couple of other guilty- looking people were reading similarly titled books and Dana wondered, Do publishers actually expect people to buy books with these titles? The consensus was that affairs always ended badly for everyone involved, and the reading helped to convince her that she’d made the right decision in ending hers with Tony, nipping things in the bud before the situation had a chance to escalate.
When she returned home, the Mercedes was in the driveway. Adam wasn’t downstairs, so she figured he was upstairs, washing up or watching TV. Marissa was in her room, or seemed to be- her stereo was blasting. Dana carried all the cartons of groceries in from the car, making several trips. She began unpacking the cartons, which included twenty- four- count packages of toilet paper and paper towels and enough gargantuan boxes of Cheerios to last the whole year. She was putting away two oversized jars of mango salsa when she heard the front door open, then slam. Moments later, Adam charged into the kitchen. His face was horribly bruised and bloodied, his hair was soaking wet, and he was screaming at her. “You fucking bitch!”
Dana was completely confused and terrified. She stared at him for a few seconds, then said,“My God, what… what happened to you?”
“Why?” he asked, spraying saliva from his bloodied mouth. “Just tell me why? Why? Fucking why?”
Naturally she thought, Uh- oh, it’s Tony.
“Why didn’t you come talk to me?” he said. “Isn’t that what I always do?
Don’t I come talk to you?”
She didn’t know it had to do with Tony, though. She couldn’t make that assumption.
Playing innocent, she said, “I don’t know what the hell-”
Adam grabbed her arm hard and said, “Why? Just tell me why. After all I’ve done. I’ve taken every possible step, done everything I can to save this marriage, and this is what you do to me? You humiliate me? Don’t you think I’ve had enough humiliation lately? You think I needed this?”
“You’re scaring me,” she said, her voice wavering. “I have no idea-” “I know, okay?” He was still squeezing her arm, staring hard into her eyes.
“You don’t have to lie to me anymore, okay? I know, okay? I fucking know everything.”
Oh God, this was surreal. She felt like she was falling, plunging. She stared back at Adam, who still looked crazed. His left cheek was badly bruised, and his left eye was partially closed. There was blood pooling on his
