Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.
All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb.
Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human — oh bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then there's a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.
What a bunch of yobbos.
Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.
Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime.
If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?
Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that 'Gondor' sounds just like 'gonad' and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is just me.
Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir convinced smallest hobbit to 'Blow the Horn of Gondor.' Have not laughed so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.
The Very Secret Diary of Gimli, Son of Gloin
Grr. Argh.
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can’t even grow decent beards.
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fiancee in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her loneliness.
Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about ‘our relationship.’
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his trousers. That’s right, Isildur’s Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.
In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.
The Very Secret Diary of Meriadoc Brandybuck
Dedicated to Ashley, my very own Ashwise Gamgee. Everyone should have one.
Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when “washing dishes” punishment followed by “polishing Gandalf’s staff” punishment and “massaging Gandalf’s feet” punishment and “nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch” punishment, I mean, who’s he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot
