you can.»
Silence. The group seemed stunned.
«Hey, no one is going to accuse you,” said Gill, «of pulling your punches. I asked a
question. You gave an answer. I appreciate that. A lot. Welcome to the group. Any other
comments you got—I want to hear them.»
«Well,” said Philip, still looking upward, «in that case let me add one additional
thought. Kierkegaard described some individuals as being in �double despair,` that is,
they are in despair but too self–deceived to know even that they are in despair. I think you
may be in double despair. Here`s what I mean: most of my own suffering is a result of
my being driven by desires, and then, once I satisfy a desire, I enjoy a moment of
satiation, which soon is transformed into boredom, which is then interrupted by another
desire springing up. Schopenhauer felt this was the universal human condition—wanting,
momentary satiation, boredom, further wanting.
«Back to you—I question whether you`ve yet explored this cycle of endless desires
within yourself. Perhaps you`ve been so preoccupied with your wife`s wishes it`s kept
you from becoming acquainted with your own desires? Isn`t that why others here were
applauding you today? Wasn`t it because you were finally refusing to be defined by her
wishes? In other words, I`m asking whether your work on yourself has been delayed or
derailed by your preoccupation with your wife`s wishes.»
Gill listened, mouth gaping, gaze fixed on Philip. «That`s deep. I know there`s
something deep and important in what you`re saying—in this double despair idea—but
I`m not getting it all.»
All eyes were now on Philip, who continued to have eyes only for the ceiling.
«Philip,” said Rebecca, now finished with replacing her barrettes, «weren`t you saying
that Gill`s personal work won`t really begin until he liberates himself from his wife?»
«Or,” Tony said, «that his involvement with her prevents him from knowing how
fucked–up he really is? Hell, I know this is true for me and the way I relate to my work—
I been thinking this past week that I`m so busy being ashamed of being a carpenter—
being blue–collar, being low–income, being looked down on—that I never get around to
thinking about the real shit I should be dealing with.»
Julius watched in amazement as others, thirsty for Philip`s every word, chimed in.
He felt competitive urges rising but quelled them by reminding himself that the group`s
purposes were being served.Cool it, Julius, he said to himself,the group needs you;
they`re not going to desert you for Philip. What`s going on here is great; they are
assimilating the new member, and they are also each laying out agendas for future work.
He had planned to talk about his diagnosis in the group today. In a sense his hand
was now forced because he had already told Philip he had a melanoma and, to avoid the
impression of a special relationship with him, had to share it with the whole group. But
he had been preempted. First there was Gill`s emergency, and then there was the group`s
total fascination with Philip. He checked the clock. Ten minutes left. Not enough time to
lay this on them. Julius resolved that he would absolutely begin the next meeting with the
bad news. He remained silent and let the clock run out.
12
1799—Arthur
Learns about
Choice and
Other Worldly
Horrors
_________________________
Thekings left their crowns and
scepters behind here, and the
heroes their weapons. Yet the
great spirits among them all,
whose splendor flowed out of
themselves, who did not
receive it from outward
things, they take their
greatness across with them.
—Arthur Schopenhauer, age sixteen at
Westminster Abbey
_________________________
When the nine–year–old Arthur returned from Le Havre, his father placed him in a private
school whose specific mandate was to educate future merchants. There he learned what
good merchants of the time had to know: to calculate in different currencies, to write
business letters in all the major European languages, to study transport routes, trade
centers, yields of the soil, and other such fascinating topics. But Arthur was not
fascinated; he had no interest in such knowledge, formed no close friendships at school,
and dreaded more each day his father`s plan for his future—a seven–year apprenticeship
with a local business magnate.
What did Arthur want? Not the life of a merchant—he loathed the very idea. He
craved the life of a scholar. Though many of his classmates also disliked the thought of a
long apprenticeship, Arthur`s protests ran far deeper. Despite his parents` strong
admonitions—a letter from his mother instructed him to «put aside all these authors for a
while...you are now fifteen and have already read and studied the best German, French
and, in part, also English authors»—he spent all his available free time studying literature
and philosophy.
Arthur`s father, Heinrich, was tormented by his son`s interests. The headmaster of
Arthur`s school had informed him that his son had a passion for philosophy, was
exceptionally suited for the life of a scholar, and would do well to transfer to a
gymnasium which would prepare him for the university. In his heart, Heinrich may have
sensed the correctness of the schoolmaster`s advice; his son`s voracious consumption and
comprehension of all works of philosophy, history, and literature in the extensive
Schopenhauer library was readily apparent.
What was Heinrich to do? At stake was his successor, as well as the future of the
entire firm and his filial obligation to all his ancestors to maintain the Schopenhauer
lineage. Moreover, he shuddered at the prospect of a male Schopenhauer subsisting on
the limited income of a scholar.
First, Heinrich considered setting up a lifelong annuity through his church for his
son, but the cost was prohibitive; business was bad, and Heinrich also had obligations to
guarantee the financial future of a wife and daughter.
Then gradually a solution, a somewhat diabolical solution, began to form in his
mind. For some time he had resisted Johanna`s pleas for a lengthy tour of Europe. These
were difficult times; the international political climate was so unstable that the safety of
the Hanseatic cities was threatened and his constant attention to business was required.
Yet because of weariness and his yearning to shed the weight of business responsibilities,
