A buzz sounded as the door lock clicked open, and Julius entered a tiny bare–walled waiting room furnished only with an uninviting black vinyl loveseat. A few feet
away, in the doorway to his office, Philip stood and, without approaching, beckoned
Julius to enter. No handshake was offered.
Julius checked Philip`s appearance against his memory. Pretty close match. Not
much change in the past twenty–five years except for some soft wrinkles about the eyes
and slight flabbiness in the neck. His light brown hair still combed straight back, those
green eyes still intense, still averted. Julius recalled how rarely their gaze had met in all
their years together. Philip reminded him of one of those supremely self–sufficient kids in
class who sat in lectures and never took notes, while he and everyone else hustled to jot
down every fact that might make an appearance on an exam.
Entering Philip`s office, Julius considered a wisecrack about the Spartan
furnishings—a scuffed cluttered desk, two uncomfortable–looking, nonmatching chairs,
and a wall adorned only with a diploma. But he thought better of it, sat in the chair Philip
indicated, played it straight, and waited for Philip`s lead.
«Well, it has been a long time. Really long.» Philip spoke in a formal, professional
voice and gave no sign of nervousness about taking charge of the interview and thereby
switching roles with his old therapist.
«Twenty–two. I just looked over my records.»
«And why now, Dr. Hertzfeld?»
«Does this mean we`ve finished the small talk?» No, no! Julius chided himself. Cut
it out! He remembered that Philip had no sense of humor.
Philip seemed unperturbed. «Basic interview technique, Dr. Hertzfeld. You know
the routine. Establish the frame. We`ve already set the place, the time—I offer a sixty–minute session, incidentally, not the fifty–minute psych hour—and the fees, or lack
thereof. So, next step is to move to purpose and goals. I`m trying to be at your service,
Dr. Hertzfeld, to make this session as efficient as possible for you.»
«All right, Philip. I appreciate it. Your вЂ?why now?` is never a bad question—I use
it all the time. Focuses the session. Gets us right down to business. As I told you on the
phone, some health problems, significant health problems, have resulted in my wanting to
look back, appraise things, evaluate my work with patients. Perhaps it`s my age—a
summing up. I believe when you reach sixty–five you`ll understand why.»
«I`ll have to take your word on that summing–up process. The reason for your wish
to see me or any of your clients again is not immediately apparent to me, and I experience
no inclinations in that direction. My clients pay me a fee, and, in return, I give them my
expert counsel. Our transaction ends. When we part, they feel they got good value, I feel I
gave them full measure. I can`t possibly imagine wanting to revisit them in the future.
But, I am at your service. Where to start?»
Julius characteristically held little back in interviews. That was one of his
strengths—people trusted him to be a straight shooter. But today he forced himself to
hold back. He was stunned by Philip`s brusqueness, but he wasn`t there to give Philip
advice. What he wanted was Philip`s honest version of their work together, and the less
Julius said about his state of mind, the better. If Philip knew about his despair, his search
for meaning, his longing to have played some enduring instrumental role in Philip`s life,
he might, out of a sense of charity, give him just the affirmation he wanted. Or, perhaps,
because of his contrariness, Philip might do just the opposite.
«Well, let me start by thanking you for humoring me and agreeing to meet. Here`s
what I want: first, your view of our work together—how it helped and how it didn`t—
and, second—and this is a tall order—I`d like very much to get a full briefing about your
life since we last met. I always like to hear the end of stories.»
If surprised by this request, Philip gave no sign but sat silently for a few moments,
eyes closed, the fingertips of his two hands touching. In a carefully measured pace, he
began. «The story`s not at an end yet—in fact my life has had such a remarkable turn in
the last few years that I feel it`s just now beginning. But I`ll maintain a strict chronology
and start with my therapy. Overall, I`d have to say that my therapy with you was a
complete failure. A time–consuming and expensive failure. I think I did my job as a
patient. As far as I can recall, I was fully cooperative, worked hard, came regularly, paid
my bills, remembered dreams, followed any leads you offered. Would you agree?»
«Agree that you were a cooperative patient? Absolutely. I`d even say more. I
remember you as a dedicated patient.»
Looking again at the ceiling, Philip nodded and continued: «As I recall, I saw you
for three full years. And much of that time we met twice a week. That`s a lot of hours—at
least two hundred. About twenty thousand dollars.»
Julius almost leaped in. Whenever a patient made a statement like that, his reflex
was to reply «a drop in the bucket.» And then point out that the issues being worked on in
therapy had been problematic for so much of the patient`s life that one could hardly
expect them to yield quickly. He often added a personal note—that his first course of
therapy, an analysis during his training, had been five times a week for three years—a
total of over seven hundred hours. But Philip was not his patient now, and he was not
there to persuade Philip of anything. He was there to listen. He bit his lips in silence.
Philip continued. «When I started with you I was at the nadir of my existence; вЂ?in
the trough` might be more apt. Working as a chemist and developing new ways to kill
insects, I was bored with my career, bored with my life, bored with everything except
reading philosophy and pondering the great riddles of history. But the reason I came to
you was my sexual behavior. You remember that, of course?»
Julius nodded.
«I was out of control. All I wanted was sex. I was obsessed with it. I was insatiable.
I shudder to think of the way I was, the life I led. I attempted to seduce as many women
as possible. After coitus I had a brief respite from the compulsion, but in a short while my
desire took over again.»
Julius suppressed a smile at Philip`s use ofcoitus —he remembered now the
strange paradox of Philip wallowing in carnality but eschewing all four–letter words.
«It was only in that brief period—immediately after coitus,” Philip continued, «that
I was able to live fully, harmoniously—that was when I could connect with the great
minds of the past.»
«I remember you and your Aristarchus and Zeno.»
«Yes, those and many others since, but the respites, the compulsion–free times,
were all too brief. Now I`m liberated. Now I dwell in a higher realm all the time. But let
me continue to review my therapy with you. Isn`t that your primary request?»
Julius nodded.
«I remember being very attached to our therapy. It became another compulsion, but
unfortunately it didn`t replace the sexual compulsion but merely coexisted with it. I
remember anticipating each hour with eagerness and yet ending with disappointment. It`s
difficult to remember much of what we did—I think we strove to understand my
compulsion from the standpoint of my life history. Figuring it out—we always tried to
figure it out. Yet every solution seemed suspect to me. No hypothesis was well–argued or
well–grounded, and, worse, not one had the slightest impact on my compulsion.
«And itwas a compulsion. I knew that. And I knew that I had to stop cold turkey. It
took me a long time, but eventually I realized you didn`t know how to help me and I lost
