ago when I was wondering about who I helped and who I didn`t, I
got so fixated on Philip. In fact, when Philip came to mind I began
to lose interest in contacting other patients.
«Hey, look at the time. I hate to bring this meeting to an end,
but we`ve got to stop. Good meeting—I know I`ve got a lot to
think about—Tony, you opened up some things for me. Thanks.»
«So,” said Tony with a grin, «am I excused from paying
today?»
«Blessed is he who gives,” said Julius. «But who knows?—
keep on like this and that day may come.»
After leaving the group room the members chattered on the outside
steps of Julius`s home before dispersing. Only Tony and Pam
headed toward the coffee shop.
Pam was fixated on Philip. She was not mollified by Philip`s
statement that she had been unlucky to have met him. Moreover,
she hated his compliment on her interpretation of the parable and
hated even more that she had enjoyed getting it. She worried that
the group was swinging over to Philip—away from her, away from
Julius.
Tony felt elated—he voted himself the MVP—the meeting`s
most valuable player; maybe he`d skip the bar scene tonight—try
to read one of the books Pam had given him.
Gill watched Pam and Tony walk down the street together.
He (and Philip of course) were the only ones Pam had not hugged
at the end of the meeting. Had he crossed her too much? Gill
turned his attention to tomorrow`s wine–tasting event—one of
Rose`s big nights. A group of Rose`s friends always got together at
this time of the year for a sampling of the year`s best wines. How
to negotiate that? Just swish the wine and spit it out? Pretty tough
to pull that off. Or come right out with the truth? He thought of his
AA sponsor: he knew how the conversation between them would
go:
Sponsor:Where`re your priorities? Skip the event, go to a
meeting.
Gill:But wine tasting is the reason these friends get together.
Sponsor:Is it? Suggest another activity.
Gill:Won`t work. They won`t do it.
Sponsor:Then get new friends.
Gill:Rose won`t like it.
Sponsor:So?
Rebecca said to herself:Real stuff in, real stuff out. Real stuff
in, real stuff out. Must remember that. She smiled when she
thought about Tony counting his money when she had talked about
her flirtation with whoredom. Secretly she had gotten a kick out of
that. Was it bad faith to accept an apology from him?
Bonnie, as always, hated to see the meeting come to an end.
She was alive those ninety minutes. The rest of her life seemed so
tepid. Why was that? Whymust librarians lead dull lives? Then she
thought about Philip`s statement about what you are, what you
have, and what you represent to others. Intriguing!
Stuart relished the meeting. He was entering full–bodied into
the group. He repeated to himself the words he had said to Rebecca
about how her looks served as a barrier to knowing her and that he
had recently seen something deeper than her skin. That was good.
That was good. And telling Philip that his cold kind of consolation
had made him shiver.That was being more than a camera. And
then there was the way he had pointed out the tension between
Pam and Philip. No, no, that was camera stuff.
On his walk home Philip struggled to avoid thinking of the
meeting, but the events were too heady to screen out. In a few
minutes he caved in and permitted his thoughts free rein. Old
Epictetus had caught their attention. He always does. Then he
imagined hands reaching out and faces turned toward him. Gill had
become his champion—but not to be taken seriously. Gill
wasn`tfor him but instead wasagainst Pam, trying to learn how to
defend himself against her, and Rose, and all other women.
Rebecca had liked what he had said. Her handsome face lingered
briefly in his mind. And then he thought of Tony—the tattoos, the
bruised cheek. He had never met anyone like him—a real
primitive, but a primitive who is beginning to comprehend a world
beyond everydayness. And Julius—was he losing his sharpness?
How could he defend attachment while acknowledging his
problems of overinvestment in Philip as a patient?
Philip felt jittery, uncomfortable in his skin. He sensed that
he was in danger of unraveling. Why had he told Pam that she was
unlucky to have met him? Is that why she had spoken his name so
often in the meeting—and demanded that he face her? His former
debased self was hovering like a ghost. He sensed its presence,
thirsting for life. Philip quieted his mind and slipped into a walking
meditation.
33
Suffering, Rage, Perseverance
_________________________
To the learned
men and
philosophers of
Europe: for
you, a windbag
like Fichte is
the equal of
Kant, the
greatest
thinker of all
time, and a
