worst enemy’s wife shacking up with you, and pregnant to boot.’
‘
‘Is it because you want to score off Rory by taking me away from him?’ I blurted out.
It was a terrible thing to say. Rory would have certainly hit me for it, but Finn merely looked at me consideringly.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘I thought about that for a long time last night, after I’d dropped you off. Of course there’s an element of truth. I don’t have any compunction about taking you away from Rory. I know he’s made you miserable and unhappy. But even if you were married to my best friend, I don’t think it would make any difference. I’d still want you. It’s one of the unattractive things about loving someone — one just suspends all moral values.’ Then his face softened. ‘But there are an awful lot of attractive things about it. Come here.’
‘No,’ I said desperately. ‘Please, no.’
He held out his hands. ‘Why not? I want you.’
‘It’s very noble of you to make the offer, but I couldn’t.’
‘Noble! What the hell are you talking about?’
‘I know why you’re asking me. It’s from motives of altruism. Marina’s your sister and you feel guilty about the way she and Rory have fouled up my life.’
Finn drained his glass. ‘Emily, will you please stop talking nonsense! I’m the least altruistic person alive. Apart from being a doctor, I never do anything to please anyone except myself.’
‘You took me sailing yesterday…’
‘Look,’ said Finn, ‘I took you sailing yesterday because I thought you needed a break. Now I realize I’ve wanted you since the first moment I saw you — pulling up my roses with your teeth — in a black see-through nightie.’
‘Oh,’ I felt myself blushing furiously. ‘How kind of you to put it like that.’
‘And you don’t believe a word of it?’
‘No, you’d never have asked me to move in with you if I hadn’t been pregnant.’ I searched feverishly for a tissue and mopped my eyes.
‘Of course I wouldn’t,’ said Finn. ‘I’d have taken it more slowly.’
‘There’s absolutely no point in shacking up with someone one hardly knows, who one’s not in love with,’ I said shakily. That stopped him.
‘I suppose not,’ he said grimly.
I gave my eyes a final wipe.
‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean to keep crying — it’s the shock of the baby, and finding out about Rory and Marina last night. And, besides, I’d be hopeless for you — I mean long-term. I don’t have the right face for greeting patients, and I’d forget to pass on messages about cardiacs and things.’
‘We can still go on seeing each other.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘When you’re pregnant you can’t go around carrying on with other people. I mean it turns you into a sort of nun, having a baby.’
Finn laughed, but bitterly. ‘You know, do you? From your quarter of an hour’s experience. You’ll still have to come in for check-ups. If you don’t want to see me, I suppose Jackie Barrett can look after you.’
‘Who’s she?’
‘My new intern.’
Oh, God, I minded about her. I minded like hell. I fought back the tears. I didn’t dare kiss Finn, or I might have broken down.
‘Goodbye and thank you,’ I said.
Finn looked suddenly tired and defeated. ‘All right, go back to Rory if you want to, but remember I’m here. You’ve only to pick up a telephone and I’ll come and take you away.’
Chapter Twenty
Which wasn’t a very good basis for trying to rebuild a marriage. When I got home, I was all screwed up to tell Rory about the baby, but he was so immersed in slapping blue paint on a huge canvas, absolutely lost to the world, that I funked it and so, having not told him, I found it more and more difficult.
In fact, he was so obsessed with work for the next few weeks, he hardly noticed me at all.
I thought endlessly about the baby. No more staying in the cinema to see the film once again — got to get home to the baby-sitter. No more running away to sea. I thought of dirty nappies and sleepless nights, and maternity bras, and getting bigger and heavier, and less attractive to Rory.
But somehow, I felt excited too. Growing inside was something that, when it arrived, would really need me. Something I could love totally and unashamedly, as I wanted to love Rory, as circumstances had stopped me loving Finn.
I kept wanting to tell Rory. I bought a bottle of champagne, and day after day took it out of its hiding place at the back of a drawer, then funked it and put it away.
I made a concerted attempt to win Rory over sexually, but it had been ‘God, I’m tired’, for days now. As soon as I got into bed, he’d switch off his light, turn his back on me, and pretend to be asleep.
And I’d lie beside him, tears sliding into my hair, listening to the sea washing on the rocks below and thinking of Finn, who was probably still working, going out to deliver a baby or soothing a restless patient. His harsh, beautifully ugly face would swim before my eyes, and I would wonder how much longer I could hold out.
I went to every party on the island too, in the hope that I might see him, but he never turned up. Which meant I drank too much and was even sicker the morning after.
I did see Miss Barrett, the new intern, though. I couldn’t resist having a gawp. I went in for a checkup and had a great shock. She was naturally blonde, and slim — one of those women who look marvellous without make-up — deep, subtle, competent, able to keep her mouth shut. The antithesis of me.
Did I imagine, too, an added warmth in her voice when she talked about Finn? Dr Maclean likes things done this way. Dr Maclean doesn’t approve of pregnant women putting on too much weight. Dr Maclean recommends these vitamin pills.
‘And Dr Maclean recommends me,’ I wanted to shout at her. ‘He’s mine, and trespassers will be very much prosecuted.’
The weeks passed. Slowly I sank into despair. I could hardly bring myself to get up in the morning and get dressed. One Sunday morning, however, when I was trying to keep down some toast and marmalade, I suddenly caught Rory looking at me.
‘You look awful,’ he said. ‘What are you trying to turn yourself into?’
Then followed a ten-minute invective about my general attitude towards him and everyone else on the island. I was lazy, childish, stubborn, stupid and unco-operative. Why didn’t I do something instead of slopping around all day?
‘What do you think I should be doing? Going to evening classes, exchanging meaningful glances over the basket-work and all that?’ I said.
‘Maybe; you could go out more, see people. Buster offered you his horses anytime you wanted to ride. Anything but this plastic tomb you’ve sealed yourself into.’
‘Have you finished?’ I whispered.
‘Yes, for the time being. I’m sorry I came on so strong. I didn’t mean to be quite so vicious, but I’m fed up with sharing a house with a zombie.’
I got up without looking at him and dragged myself upstairs. He was right. One look at myself in the mirror sent me yelping to the bathroom to wash my hair.
Then I rang Buster and asked if I could come and ride with him that afternoon. Rory was absurdly pleased and even rubbed my hair dry for me.
‘Stay over at the castle when you’ve finished,’ he said. ‘I’ll come over and take you all out to dinner.’
