‘Never mind,’ said Ferdie. ‘Marigold and Georgie are going to give you a special present. Let’s you and me go into the drawing room.’
‘Just let me hear this bit,’ pleaded Kitty.
‘You can hear it later.’
Kitty was flabbergasted to learn that Lysander had been paid to make Guy and Larry jealous.
‘But he seemed so keen, particularly on Georgie.’
‘Things have got a bit out of hand there,’ admitted Ferdie, ‘and I’m not sure it’s had the desired effect on Guy.’
But when he explained that Marigold and Georgie wanted to give her Lysander’s services, Kitty at first flatly refused.
‘I couldn’t do that to Rannaldini. It wouldn’t be right. Anyway nuffing would bring him back when he wasn’t there in the first place.’
‘But you love him.’
‘Oh, yes.’ Kitty gave a sigh. ‘I go weak wiv longing every time I sees him.’
‘Then it’s worth a try, just till Christmas. You’d like to be thinner.’
‘Oh, I would.’
After a lot of persuading, Kitty agreed to let Lysander help her improve her appearance, but not to his hanging around pretending to be keen on her.
‘It was realistic wiv Georgie and Marigold. They’re both beautiful.’
‘Not when he took them on,’ said Ferdie. ‘Look, I’d like to lose a bit myself. I’m going on holiday to the Algarve on Friday. I bet you a hundred pounds I lose more than you by the time I get back in the second week in October.’
That’s the rest of my running-away money, thought Kitty wistfully. Oh hell, it was worth a try.
‘All right, you’re on,’ she said, then blushing scarlet, ‘d’you fink it might help if I talked more proper? Marigold suggested elocution lessons like she ’ad. Marigold talks so lovely.’
‘No, no,’ said Ferdie hastily. ‘You don’t want to end up talking like Mrs Thatcher.’
In appalling embarrassment, Kitty and Ferdie were then weighed in, with Lysander and Georgie as witnesses. Kitty was eleven stone one, Ferdie over fifteen stone, until Lysander discovered two Jaffa oranges in his blazer pockets.
‘That’s cheating,’ he shouted, shoving Ferdie back on the scales. ‘You’re only fifteen now. Enter it in the game book,’ he ordered Georgie.
‘Kitty’s will-power is stronger than mine so she deserved a handicap,’ grumbled Ferdie. ‘And get that ghastly tight perm cut off,’ he added taking Lysander aside. ‘And I want her in contact lenses by the time I get back from Portugal.’
Rannaldini was away for two months filming and guest conducting. Georgie was working flat out on the album, seeing musicians and rehearsing for a concert in London the same week that Ferdie got home, which left Kitty and Lysander a lot of spare time.
He tried to cure her terror of horses by walking her round on Arthur who seemed slightly less lame, but although Kitty liked Arthur and took to making him his favourite bread-and-butter pudding, she still much preferred a fence between the two of them. She and Lysander also played endless tennis, worked out and swam. Seeing Kitty’s vast thighs inside which the gusset of her black bathing dress practically disappeared, Lysander wondered if it was all worth it, but he carried on because she was so touchingly grateful.
The drought continued, and was now called an Indian Summer. Leaves were so dry they clanged down. More cows wriggled across the sheep grid into Rannaldini’s woods.
One evening Lysander sat in the kitchen at Valhalla celebrating a large win on Rupert Campbell-Black’s horse Penscombe Pride and watching Kitty iron.
‘Rachel says it’s a wicked waste of energy ironing underpants and ’ankies,’ announced Kitty, ‘but can you imagine Rannaldini goin’ on the rostrum wiv a crumpled ‘ankie.’
‘Why did you marry him?’
‘I was his secretary.’
‘I know that.’
‘It was the Wednesday. I asked him if I could have the Saturday off to go to a wedding. “That’s very inconvenient,” he said. “Whose wedding is it?” I said, “It’s mine, Rannaldini.” He was ever so upset, I fink he was worried he wouldn’t find nuffing when I was on honeymoon. That night he turned up at our ’ouse at two in the morning. Mum was ’opping. Rannaldini drove me to Valhalla. Dawn was breaking, an’ there was a white dew, and all the birds in the air was singin’. It was so beautiful. He was separated from Cecilia by then. He said I couldn’t marry Kevin, because he was going to marry me. Just the same way he used to say: “Bring your book in”. You know how forceful he is.’
‘Christ,’ said Lysander in awe. ‘What happened to all the presents and the cake and things?’
‘They went back.’ Kitty hung her head. ‘It was the worst fing I ever done. Mum was so upset, so was Kevin’s mum and dad, Kevin was — ’ Kitty went pink — ‘he was ’eartbroken.’
‘But you’re Catholic, Kitty. It’s a mortal sin to marry a divorced man.’
‘No, I’m C. of E. Rannaldini’s Cafflic. The vicar at ’ome was ’orrified. Rannaldini got a quickie divorce and married me three weeks later.’
‘I’m gobsmacked,’ said Lysander. ‘Was it ever any good?’
‘Was he faithful? No, never. I caught him phoning Hermione on our honeymoon. “Nuffing will change, my darlink,’ he was reassuring her. An’ it didn’t.’
‘You’re singeing that shirt,’ said Lysander.
Kitty jumped and snatched up her iron.
‘I just ’oped one day he might fall in love wiv me, like Mr Rochester. I’ve read too many romances. People say pack it in, but I ’ate frowing flowers away when they ain’t all dead.’
‘Oh, poor Kitty.’ Lysander got up and hugged her. ‘Once we get you glammed up, he’ll get really jealous.’
‘Some ’ope,’ sighed Kitty. ‘How’s Georgie?’
‘Suddenly terribly uptight about Rachel.’ Lysander poured more Perrier for Kitty and Muscadet for himself.
‘That Guy’s keen on her?’ asked Kitty. ‘I expect he’s just jealous because Georgie likes you so much, and Rachel’s so pretty.’
‘Pretty awful,’ said Lysander. ‘I hate Georgie being miserable. Do you think I should ask her to marry me?’
‘Marry you!’ said Kitty in amazement.
‘We get on so well. I’d look after her.’
He was so touching in his total seriousness, his bluey-green eyes suddenly as vulnerable as Maggie’s, his cheeks flushed with sudden excitement, that Kitty said: ‘Oh, I know you would.’
Lucky Georgie, she thought, taking a grey silk shirt from the pile. ‘The only problem,’ she went on, ‘is I don’t fink Georgie could cope with your present job, hangin’ round neglected wives. I mean she feels safe with me because I’m not a fret. But she had such a shock wiv Guy and Julia, I think her next hubby would need to do somefing which didn’t involve women.’
‘Then I must get Arthur sound,’ said Lysander earnestly, ‘and get a proper job.’
‘How is Arfur?’ asked Kitty fondly.
‘The vet’s coming tomorrow. I’m terrified he’ll say he needs another year’s rest. He loved those rock buns you made him.’
‘Don’t talk about food. I’m starving,’ moaned Kitty.
‘You’ve lost ten pounds,’ encouraged Lysander.
‘I wish I could climb into the tumble-drier and shrink myself down to a size eight like Natasha’s purple flares.’
‘Rachel doesn’t approve of tumble-driers,’ said Lysander. ‘She’d peg you up on the clothes-line.’
Meanwhile the subject of such intense speculation was wrestling with the fiendish complexities of
