quite cover up the stench of gully dwarf.
“Who is that one?” the professor asked of the gully dwarf. “I haven’t seen him before. Where has he been hiding?”
“Ensign Gob,” Doctor Bothy answered. “He keeps the ship’s gears properly oiled and greased. He is so small he fits nicely into the deepest workings of the ship. His bunk is in the bilge, and he’s not allowed into the inhabited parts of the ship, usually. That’s why you haven’t seen him.”
Finally, the crew was lined up to the commodore’s satisfaction. He thumped his cane on the deck to get everyone’s attention, then strode over and hopped atop a large, leather chest that had been brought on deck. Beside it lay a wooden case not unlike the kind used to store weapons for long sea voyages, and beside this an ordinary water barrel filled with ballast stones. All eyes turned to the commodore.
“I have called all of you on deck because I have decided to allow Professor Hap-Troggensbottle to conduct an experiment,” Commodore Brigg announced. At these words, an excited whisper rolled down the line of crew members.
“As you can see, getting ashore is no easy matter. We have no side boat, nor can we risk taking the ship through those reefs. We might swim, but it is a long way to shore, and these waters are infested with sharks.” Suddenly, all those eager smiles became thin with concern, and no one, except Razmous, would meet the commodore’s gaze.
“Professor Hap-Troggensbottle has come up with a solution that should prove… interesting. Professor, if you wouldn’t mind explaining?” the commodore prompted.
The professor nodded and climbed down from the conning tower. He approached the leather chest and threw back its lid. Despite their reservations, what with the talk of reefs and sharks and all, the gnomes leaned a little forward to better see what surprises were inside. Razmous, breaking with all naval discipline, stepped completely out of line and stood on his toes.
The professor removed from the opened chest several items and laid them out carefully on the deck. “Gather round,” he said. “Everyone take a look.”
First there was a large round glass fish bowl, but it didn’t look like it would hold water as it had a long tube projecting from the bottom. Next came a tiny jumpsuit of some glossy black material. It looked far too small even for a gnome. After this, the professor removed a sort of backpack that contained a large, silvery fish’s bladder. Last of all, grunting with exertion, he pulled out a pair of very large shoes, which thumped noisily as he dropped them to the deck.
During all this, he was assaulted by a barrage of questions. The shoes, the fish bowl, and tiny black jumpsuit excited everyone, but the hose sticking out of the top of the fish bowl drew the most attention, its purpose obscure to even the most imaginative theorists. Meanwhile, Razmous discovered that the chest contained several more identical objects.
As the hubbub died down and everyone returned his attention to the professor, he gathered up his unusual items. “I will explain the function of each in turn,” he said. “If I might have a volunteer.”
Razmous eagerly stepped forward, but the professor instead turned to Conundrum. “You are the smallest-er, the youngest,” he said. “Might I trouble you?”
“Please,” Conundrum acquiesced.
“First the suit,” the professor said, handing Conundrum the tiny black jumpsuit.
Conundrum dubiously eyed the outfit as he took it from the professor. It appeared barely large enough for a small gnomish child. However, the material proved most unusual, springy and elastic to the touch, like the belly of a frog. Conundrum stripped out of his leather apron and white under-robe, then with the professor’s assistance and guidance he stepped into the black suit, pulling it up from the legs, then over his back and shoulders, and working his arms into the sleeves. Amazingly, it fit, the material stretching to almost double its previous size to accommodate his gnomish physique, until only his hands and his bearded head were left uncovered. He looked like he had been dipped in dark chocolate and set out to harden into candy.
“This material will keep the body quite warm,” the professor explained. “Though snug, it allows for full range of movement.” Snug it was indeed, embarrassingly so. Conundrum was only glad there weren’t any female gnomes aboard. Even so, Razmous could not stop giggling at his bulgy protuberances. Conundrum’s face turned quite red, almost as red as his beard.
Next, Conundrum donned the backpack, which the professor called a bladderpack, and the professor set the fish bowl over his head. The hose stood straight up out of the top of the glass, falling down over his shoulder. Professor Hap took the hose and connected it to the fish bladder in the bladderpack. The bottom of the fish bowl was then sealed to the black jumpsuit with a ring of similar black material. A buckle allowed it to be tightened until no air could escape around his neck.
With each breath, the fish bladder on Conundrum’s back inflated and deflated. Now, the other gnomes could see that as the bladder expanded, pleats along either side opened up, revealing a mesh of crimson material.
“How is that?” the professor asked. To Conundrum, his voice sounded strange and distant, as if he were speaking out of a cave.
“A little stuffy,” Conundrum repeated. His own voice sounded as if he were speaking with his head inside a large bell, which was not very far from the truth. To those outside, his voice was muffled but hollow, as if he had fallen down a well.
“The bladder and the sealed fish bowl allow the wearer to breath underwater, by way of the pleats, which act like the gills of a fish, drawing in water and transforming it into breathable air,” the professor said. “Of course, it has never been tested when fully immersed, but the theory is sound, so it should work.”
The gnomes began to nod and talk. They now saw the full extent of the possibilities of this apparatus. Not only could it be used for undersea exploration, it could also prove advantageous anywhere there was an undesirable overabundance of water, such as inside a clogged sewer, flooded mineshaft, drowned wine cellar, or, for that matter, a sinking ship.
Last of all, the professor had Conundrum step into the large shoes. He called them duckfeet, and they did indeed look rather like the natural paddles of a large waterfowl. When Conundrum tried to move, he found his feet firmly planted to the deck. Only by tremendous effort was he able to lift even one foot.
“The duckfeet are lined with lead, to help you sink to the bottom,” the professor explained. “That way you can walk wherever you need to go, without the bothersome need to swim.”
Everyone clambered for an opportunity to try out the professor’s invention. Although it had no moving parts- those would likely come later, as improvements were designed-the underwater uniform seemed a wonderful innovation. Everyone thought so, that is, except Chief Engineer Portlost, who found the entire thing rather fanciful. Actually, he was thoroughly jealous for never having come up with the idea himself.
All told, there were only six suits to go around. Commodore Brigg solved the problem by assigning the first party to go ashore. Because he was already suited, Conundrum would go, along with Sir Grumdish, in case they met any creatures of hostile intent. Unfortunately, Grumdish would have to go armorless; his knightly Uniform wouldn’t fit inside the “frogsuit”-the professor’s name for the ingenious elastic-skinned underwater garb.
Much to his chagrin, Chief Portlost was chosen next. He acted as if he had no doubts that they would all drown the moment they stepped overboard. The commodore reminded him that his Life Quest was to record and detail the most extraordinary mishap the world has ever seen, to which the chief replied as the fish bowl was being placed over his head, “Yes, but I must live long enough to record it! And we have yet to invent the pen that can write underwater.”
Next, surprisingly, the commodore chose Razmous Pinchpocket. Well, not surprisingly. The kender had been hopping on one foot trying to attract the commodore’s attention the entire time, all the while pointing at himself and crying in a tiny voice, “Oh, pick me! Please pick me.” He was out of his pouches, green vest, and leather leggings before the commodore could finish pronouncing his name and, even more astonishing, assigning him the command of the expedition.
“Me? Commander!” Razmous squeaked, almost forgetting for a moment his delight at being allowed to try on the frogsuit, the inside of which he described as being “all squooshy,” accompanied by a sour expression that wrinkled up his nose and squinted his bright periwinkle eyes.
“You are chief acquisitions officer, are you not?” the commodore barked. “You are in charge of all supply expeditions. You didn’t think you were coming along just for the fun, did you? This is the first land reconnaissance of the MNS
