Little, Big

“Hi Uncle Auberon,” the twins (Bud the boy and Blossom the girl) shouted in unison, as though Auberon hadn’t quite arrived yet and they had to call far to be heard. Auberon stared at them: they seemed to be twice the size they had been, and they could talk: they hadn’t been able to when he left, had they? Hadn’t he last seen them still carried fore and aft by their mother in a canvas carrier? Lily, at their insistence, began to go through cupboards, looking for good things to eat, the twins were unimpressed by the solitary teapot but certainly it was time for something. Tony Buck shook Auberon’s hand and said, “Hey, how was the City?”

“Oh, he;, swell,” Auberon said in a tone like Tony’s, hearty and no-nonsense; Tony turned to Alice and said, “So Tacey said maybe we should have a couple rabbits tonight.”

“Oh, Tony, that would be terrific,” Alice said.

Tacey herself came through the door then, calling Tony’s name. “Is that okay, Ma?” she said.

“It’s great,” Alice said. “Better than tuna wiggle.”

“Kill the fatted calf,” Momdy said, the only one there to whom the phrase would have occurred. “And fricassee it.”

“Smoky’ll be so happy,” said Alice to .Auberon. “He loves rabbit, but he can’t ever feel it’s his place to suggest it.”

“Listen,” Auberon said, “don’t make any fuss just for…” He couldn’t, in his self-effacement, bring himself to say personal pronouns. “I mean just because…”

“Uncle Auberon,” said Bud, “did you see any muggerds?”

“Hm?”

“Muggerds.” He curved his fingers predatorily at Auberon. “Who get you. In the City.”

“Well, as a matter of fact…” But Bud had noticed (he hadn’t ever quite taken his eyes from her) that his sister Blossom had acquired a cookie of a sort that hadn’t been offered to him, and he had to hurry to put in a claim.

“Now out, out!” said Lily.

“You wanna go see the rabbits die?” her daughter asked her, taking her hand.

“No, I don’t,” said Lily, but Blossom, wanting her mother with her for the dread and fascinating event, pulled her by the hand.

“It only takes a second,” she said reassuringly, drawing her mother after her. “Don’t be afraid.” They went out through the summer kitchen and the door that led to the kitchen-garden, Lily, Bud and Blossom, and Tony. Tacey had filled a cup for herself and one for Momdy, and with them backed out the pantry doors; Momdy followed her.

Grump grump grump said the doors behind them.

Alice and Auberon sat alone in the kitchen, the storm of them having passed as quickly as it came on.

“So,” Auberon said. “It seems like everybody’s fine here.”

“Yes. Fine.”

“Do you mind,” he said, rising slowly like an old man, much tried, “if I get myself a drink?”

“No, sure,” Alice said. “There’s some sherry there, and other things, I think.”

He got down a dusty whiskey bottle.

“No ice,” said Alice. “Rudy didn’t come.”

“He still cuts ice?”

“Oh yes. But he’s been sick lately. And Robin, you know, his grandson—well, you know Robin; he isn’t much help. Poor old man.”

Absurdly, this was the last straw. Poor old Rudy… “Too bad, too bad,” he said, his voice shaky. “Too bad.” He sat, his glassful of whiskey the saddest thing he had ever seen. His vision was clouded and sparkling. Alice rose slowly, alarmed. “I made a real mess of it, Ma,” he said. “A real awful mess.” He put his face in his hands, the awful mess a harsh, gathering thing in his throat and breast. Alice, unsure, came and put her arm tentatively around his shoulder, and Auberon, though he hadn’t done so in years, never even for Sylvie, not once, knew he was about to sob like a child. The awful mess gathered weight and force and, pressing its way out, opened his mouth and shook his frame violently, causing sounds he had not known he could make. There there, he said to himself, there there: but it wouldn’t stop, release made it grow, there were vast volumes of it to be expelled, he put his head down on the kitchen table and bawled.

“Sorry, sorry,” he said when he could speak again. “Sorry, sorry.”

“No,” Alice said, her arm around his resistant overcoat; “no, sorry for what?” He raised his head suddenly, throwing off her arm, and, after another gasping sob, ceased, his chest heaving. “Was it,” Alice said softly, warily, “the dark girl?”

“Oh,” Auberon said, “partly, partly.”

“And that stupid bequest.”

“Partly.”

She saw peeking from his pocket a hanky, and pulled it out for him. “Here,” she said, shocked to see in his streaming face not her baby boy in tears, but a grownup she hardly knew transformed by grief. She looked at the hanky she offered him. “What a pretty thing,” she said. “It looks like…”

“Yes,” Auberon said, taking it from her and mopping his face. “Lucy made it.” He blew his nose. “It was a present. When I left. Open it when you come home, she said.” He laughed, or cried again, or both, and swallowed. “Pretty, huh.” He stuffed it back in his pocket and sat, back bent, staring. “Oh God,” he said. “Well, that’s embarrassing.”

“No,” she said, “no.” She put her hand over his. She was in a quandary; he needed advice, and she couldn’t give it to him; she knew where advice could be got, but not whether it could be given to him there, or whether it was right for her to send him. “It’s all right, you know,” she said, “it really is, because,” and then bethought herself. “Because it’s all right; it’ll be all right.”

“Oh sure,” he said, sighing a great, shuddering sigh. “All over now.”

“No,” Alice said, and took his hand more firmly. “No, it’s not all over, but… Well, whatever happens, it’ll all be part of, well part of what’s to be, won’t it? I mean there’s nothing that couldn’t be, isn’t that right?”

“I don’t know,” Auberon said. “What do I know.”

She held his hand, but oh, he was too big now for her to gather him to her, hug him, cover him up with herself and tell him all, tell him the long, long tale of it, so long and strange that he would fall asleep long before it was over, soothed by her voice and her warmth and the beat of her heart and the calm certainty of her telling: and then, and then, and then: and more wonderful than that: and strange to say: and the way it all turns out: the story she hadn’t known how to tell when he was young enough to tell it to, the story she knew now only when he was too big to gather up and whisper it to, too big to believe it, though it would all happen, and to him. But she couldn’t bear to see him in this darkness, and say nothing. “Well,” she said, not releasing his hand; she cleared her throat of the huskiness that had gathered there (was she glad, or the reverse, that all her own storms of tears had been wept, years ago?) and said, “Well, will you do something for me, anyway?”

“Yes, sure.”

“Tonight, no, tomorrow morning—do you know where the old gazebo is? That little island? Well, if you follow that stream up, you come to a pool—with a waterfall?”

“Sure, yes.”

“Okay,” she said. She took a deep breath, said “Well” again, and gave him instructions, and pledged him to follow them exactly, and told him something of the reasons why he must, but not all; and he agreed, in a cloud, but having wept out before her any reservations he might have had to such a scheme, and such reasons.

The door to the kitchen-garden opened, and Smoky came in through it; before he came around the corner of the summer kitchen, though, Alice had patted Auberon’s hand, smiled, and pressed her forefinger to her lips, and then to his.

“Rabbit tonight?” Smoky was saying as he came into the kitchen. “What’s all the excitement?” He did an extravagant double-take when he saw Auberon, and books slipped from beneath his arm to the floor.

“Hi, hi,” said Auberon, glad at least to have taken one of them by surprise.

Slowly I Turn