Little, Big

military undress wore bright loose shirts or jackets of many colors, Eigenblick’s troops’ insignia. “Hi,” she said, at ease now. “Winged Messenger Service.”

“Hey. Check the messenger.”

“Saayy…”

One of the dancers strutted toward her as the others laughed, and Sylvie did a step or two with him; another, with an expert air, manipulated the intercom. “A messenger’s here. We got something going?”

“So listen,” Sylvie said. “What about this guy—” thumb toward the vast portrait. “What’s with him?”

Some laughed; one looked solemn; the dancer fell back in astonishment at Sylvie’s ignorance. “Oh wow man,” he said, “oh man…”

He had just begun to put right forefinger into left palm to begin an explanation (cute, Sylvie thought him, well-muscled, real neighborhood) when double doors behind them were flung open. Sylvie caught a glimpse of huge rooms glossily furnished. A tall white guy with blond hair cut severely came out. With a quick gesture he ordered the radio silent. The young men drew together protectively, taking stances tough but wary. The blond man raised his chin and eyebrows at Sylvie inquiringly, too busy to say actual words.

“Winged Messenger.”

He considered her for a long moment, almost insolently. He had a good five inches on everybody else present, more than that on Sylvie. She crossed her arms, placed her booted feet in a “So?” attitude, and returned his look. He turned back into the rooms he had come from.

“What’s his problem?” she asked the others, but they seemed subdued. He was back anyway in a moment, with a parcel, oddly shaped, tied with an old-fashioned red-and-white twine Sylvie hadn’t seen in years, and addressed in a hand so fine and antique as to be almost illegible. Altogether it was one of the odder things she had been asked to carry.

“Don’t delay,” the man said, with what Sylvie thought might be the trace of an accent.

“I’m not gonna delay.” Turkey. “Sign here please.” The blond man drew back from her book as though it were repellent; he gestured to one of the boys, and backed through the doors, closing them after him.

“Wow,” she said as the good-looking one signed her book with a flourish and a final dot. “You work for him?”

Big gestures all around indicating resentment, defiance, resignation. The black one essayed a quick imitation, and the others fell out in exaggerated hut silent laughter. “Okay,” Sylvie said, seeing that the address was far uptown, a good long time away from the office, “see ya.”

The dancer accompanied her to the elevator, bringing out a quick line, listen I could use a message if you got one, no message for me, hey, listen, I wanna ask you sumpm, no this is serious; and after further chaff (she would have liked to stay, but the package under her arm seemed Somehow needful and exigent) he struck a comic pose as the elevator doors extinguished him to her. She did a few steps alone in the elevator, hearing other music than was playing there. Long time since she’d been dancing.

Uncle Daddy

Riding uptown, hands thrust in her sweatshirt’s front pockets and the weird’package beside her.

She should have asked those guys if they knew Bruno. She had heard nothing of her brother in some time; he wasn’t living with his wife and her mother, she knew that. Hustling somebody somewhere… But those guys weren’t together. Just something to do. Instead of hanging around the block. She thought of little Bruno: pobricito. She had vowed that, once a week at least, she would make the long journey out to Jamaica and visit him, take him away from them for a day. She hadn’t, not as often as she’d intended to: not at all in the last busy month. She renewed her vow, sensing at her back, pressing on her, a history of such neglects and their cumulative damage—the ones she had been subjected to, and her mother before her; and Bruno; her other nieces and nephews. Smothered with love, and left to sink or swim: what a system. Kids. And why did she think she could do it any differently? And yet she thought she could. With Auberon she might have kids. Sometimes her ghost children implored her to be born; she could almost see and hear them; she couldn’t resist forever. Auberon’s. She couldn’t do better, such a sweetie, good good man at heart, and for sure a hot number too: and yet. Often enough he treated her like a child herself. Not that she sometimes wasn’t one. But a child a mother… Uncle Daddy they both called him when he was in that mode or mood. He’d wiped her tears, though. He’d wipe her ass if she asked him to… What a mean thing to think.

What if they grew old together? How would that be? Two little old people, apple-cheeked and crinkly-eyed and white haired, full of years and affection. Nice… She’d like to see that big house and all that it contained. But his family. His mother was almost six feet tall, cono. She imagined the vast race of them towering over her, looking down. Sport model. George said they were a sweet bunch. He’d got lost more than once in that house. George: Lilac’s father, though Auberon didn’t know it, and George had sworn her to secrecy. Lost. What was that about? George knew more, but what he wouldn’t say. What if Auberon lost one of her kids? White people. She’d have to keep a sharp eye out, running around at knee level to them, holding on to her babies.

But if all that weren’t her Destiny: or if she really had escaped Destiny, refused it, turned it down… If she had, then, oddly, she seemed to have more future, rather than less. Anything could happen if she were free of the cramp of Destiny. Not Auberon, not Edgewood, not this town. Visionary men and pursuits, visionary places, visionary selves crowded up on the borders of her train-lulled consciousness. Anything… And a long table in the woods, dressed in a white cloth, set for a banquet; and everybody waiting; and an empty place in the middle…

Her head, falling suddenly breastwards, dipped her in vertigo, and she snapped awake.

Destiny, destiny. She yawned, covering her mouth, and then looked at her hand, and the silver ring on it. She’d worn it for years and years. Would it come off? She turned it. She tugged. She put her finger in her mouth to wet it. She pulled harder. Nope: stuck on good. But gently: yes, if she pushed gently from below… the silver circle slid upwards, over the big knuckle, and off. A strange lightness glowed around the naked finger, spreading outward from it to the rest of her; the world,, the train, seemed to grow pale and insubstantial. She looked slowly around herself.

The package that had been beside her on the seat was gone.

She leapt up, filled with horror, jamming the ring back on her finger. “Hey! Hey!” she said out loud, to alarm the thief if he was still nearby; she charged out into the middle of the car, sweeping the other riders with her glance, they looked up at her curious and guiltless. She looked again at where she had been sitting.

The package was right there where it had been.

She sat again slowly, wondering. She put her ringed hand on the smooth white paper of the package, just to make sure it was really there. It was: though it seemed, unaccountably, to have grown larger as it traveled uptown.

Definitely larger. Out on the street, where breezes had blown away the rain and clouds and brought in a real spring day, first one of the few the City was ever allowed, she chased down the address written on the package, which no longer quite fit beneath her arm. “What is with this thing,” she said aloud as she walked briskly through a neighborhood she hadn’t ever visited much, a neighborhood of great, dark-stained apartment-hotels and aged brownstones. She tried holding the package this way, then that; never had she been given anything so clumsy to carry. But the spring was vivifying; she couldn’t have wished for a better day on which to carry messages through the streets; winged was just what she felt. And summer would come soon, hot as hell, she couldn’t wait; she unzipped, tentatively, then boldly, the front of her sweatshirt, felt the breeze lick at her throat and breast, and found the feeling good. And there, ahead, must be the building she had been sent to.

Lost for Sure