some influence from beyond his lost grave. But I made no choice.” Then her tone changed, and she went on, “Yet had I chosen—
Covenant interrupted her. “That isn't what I meant. I know why this is happening to me. It's because I'm a leper. A normal person would just laugh-No, what I meant is, why did you ask me to come with you looking for the Seventh Ward? Surely there were other people you could have chosen.”
Gently, she returned, “I do not understand this disease which causes you to be a-leper. You describe a world in which the innocent are tormented. Why are such things done? Why are they permitted?”
“Things aren't so different here. Or what did you think it was that happened to Kevin? But you're changing the subject. I want to know why you picked me.” He winced at the memory of Troy's chagrin when the High Lord had announced her choice.
“Very well, ur-Lord,” she said with a tone of reluctance. “If this question must be answered, I will answer it. There are many reasons for my choice. Will you hear them?'
“Go ahead.”
“Ah, Unbeliever. At times I think that Warmark Troy is not so blind. The truth-you evade the truth. But I will give you my reasons. First, I prepare for the chances of the future. If at the last you should come to desire the use of your white gold, with the Staff of Law I am better able to aid you than any other. I do not know the wild magic's secret-but there is no more discerning tool than the Staff. And if at the last you should turn against the Land, with the Staff I will be able to resist you. We possess nothing else which can hope to stand against the power of white gold.
“But I seek other goals also. You are no warrior-the Warward will meet great peril, where only power and skill in combat may hope to preserve life. I do not wish to risk your death. You must be given time to find your own reply to yourself. And for myself I seek companionship. Neither Warmark Troy nor Lord Mhoram can be spared from the war. Do you desire more explanation?”
He sensed the incompleteness of her response, and forced himself to pursue it despite his fear. With a grimace of distaste for the pervasive irrectitude of his conduct in the Land, he said deliberately, “Companionship? After all I've done. You're remarkably tolerant.”
“I am not tolerant. I do not make choices without consulting my own heart.”
For a moment, he faced squarely the implications of what she said. It was what he had both wanted and feared to hear. But then a complex unwillingness, composed of sympathy and dread and self-judgment, deflected him. It made his voice rough as he said, “You're breaking Trell's heart. And your mother's.”
Her face stiffened. “Do you accuse me of Trell's pain?”
“I don't know. He would be following us if he had any hope left. Now he knows for sure that you're not even thinking about punishing me.”
He stopped, but the sight of the pain he had given her made him speak again, rush to answer replies, counteraccusations, that she had not uttered. “As for your mother-I've got no right to talk. I don't mean about what I did to her. That's something I can at least understand. I was in such-penury- and she seemed so rich.
“No, I' mean about the Ranyhyn-those Ranyhyn that went to Mithil Stonedown every year. I made a bargain with them. I was trying to find some solution some way to keep myself from going completely insane. And they hated me. They were just like the Land-they were big and powerful and superior and they loathed me.” He rasped that word loathed, as if he were echoing,
“So I made a bargain with them. I promised that I wouldn't ride-wouldn't force one of them to carry me. And I made them promise-I was trying to find some way to keep all that size and power and health and fidelity from driving me crazy. I made them promise to answer if I ever called them. And I made them promise to visit your mother.”
“Their promise remains.” She said this as if it gave her a deep pride.
He sighed. “That's what Rue said. But that's not the point. Do you see? I was trying to give her something, make it up to her somehow. But that doesn't work. When you've hurt someone that badly, you can't go around giving them gifts. That's arrogant and cruel.” His mouth twisted at the bitter taste of what he had done. 'I was really just trying to make myself feel better.
“Anyway, it didn't work. Foul can pervert anything. By the time I got to the end of the Quest for the Staff of Law, things were so bad that no bargain could have saved me.”
Abruptly, he ran out of words. He wanted to tell Elena that he did not accuse her, could not accuse her-and at the same time a part of him did accuse her.
That part of him felt that Lena's pain deserved more loyalty.
But the High Lord seemed to understand this. Though her elsewhere gaze did not touch him, she replied to his thought. “Thomas Covenant, you do not altogether comprehend Lena my mother. I am a woman-human like any other. And I have chosen you to be my companion on this quest. Surely my choice reveals my mother's heart as well as my own. I am her daughter. From birth I lived in her care, and she taught me. Unbeliever, she did not teach me any anger or bitterness toward you.”
“No!” Covenant breathed. “No.” No! Not her, too! A vision of blood darkened his sight-the blood on Lena's loins. He could not bear to think that she had forgiven him, she!
He turned away. He felt Elena watching him, felt her presence reaching toward him in an effort to draw him back. But he could not face her. He was afraid of the emotions that motivated her; he did not even name them to himself. He lay down in his blankets with his back to her until she banked the graveling for the night and settled herself to sleep.
The next morning, shortly after dawn, Morin and Bannor reappeared. They brought Myrha and Covenant's mount with them. He roused himself, and joined Elena in a meal while the Bloodguard packed their blankets. And soon after they had started westward again, Amok became visible at the High Lord's side.
Covenant was in no mood for any more of Amok's spellbinding. And he had made a decision during the night. There was a risk he had to take-a dangerous gesture that he hoped might help him recover some kind of integrity. Before the youth could begin, Covenant clenched himself to contain the sudden hammering of his heart, and asked Amok what he knew about white gold.
“Much and little, Bearer,” Amok answered with a laugh and a bow. “It is said that white gold articulates the wild magic which destroys peace. But who is able to describe peace?”
Covenant frowned. “You're playing word games. I asked you a straight question. What do you know about it?”
“Know, Bearer? That is a small word-it conceals the magnitude of its meaning. I have heard what I have been told, and have seen what my eyes have beheld, but only you bear the white gold. Do you call this knowledge?”
“Amok,” Elena came to Covenant's aid, “is white gold in some way interwoven with the Seventh Ward? Is white gold the subject or key of that Ward?”
“Ah, High Lord, all things are interwoven.” The youth seemed to relish his ability to dodge questions. “The Seventh Ward may ignore white gold, and the master of white gold may have no use for the Seventh Ward-yet both are power, forms and faces of the one Power of life. But the Bearer is not my master. He shadows but does not darken me. I respect that which he bears, but my purpose remains.”
Elena's response was firm. “Then there is no need to evade his questions. Speak of what you have heard and learned concerning white gold.”
“I speak after my fashion, High Lord. Bearer, I have heard much and learned little concerning white gold. It is the girding paradox of the arch of Time, the undisciplined restraint of the Earth's creation, the absent bone of the Earthpower, the rigidness of water and the flux of rock. It articulates the wild magic which destroys peace. It is spoken of softly by the
Covenant sighed to himself. He had feared that he would receive this kind of answer. Now he would have to go further, push his question right to the edge of his dread. In vexation and anxiety he rasped, “That's enough-spare me. Just tell me how white gold-” For an instant he faltered. But the memory of Lena compelled him. “-how to use this bloody ring.”
