of bribery in the Catholic Church.”
“I’m not seeing any police cars,” said Coleman.
“Me neither,” said Serge. “But lots of people on bicycles. Looks like we have a gig.”
“The people on bikes are riding between cars.”
“To look in backseats for presents people bought elsewhere before coming here.” Serge leaned on the horn.
“Look at the bicycles scatter,” said Coleman.
“They’ll just regroup a few rows over like pigeons.”
“Over there,” said Coleman. “I think I see a real elf.”
“Where?”
“Next row. We just passed him.”
Serge reached the edge of the parking lot and doubled back. “I see him. He’s fiddling with something in the trunk of his car. Except I don’t think that’s a real elf.”
“But he’s got the bright green elf suit and jingle-bell shoes and everything,” said Coleman. “Why else would he be dressed like that?”
“To do what we’re doing,” said Serge. “Blend in.”
“He’s looking awfully suspicious. Head jerking around, constantly looking behind him.”
“He’s just pretending to fiddle in his trunk.” Serge applied the brake and pulled out binoculars. “He’s really waiting for prey to walk by… Which brings up an ethical dilemma for me.”
“What’s that?”
Serge patted the chest of his own green costume. “Should I give him a pass out of professional courtesy?”
“I’d say it depends on what he does.”
“Reasonable call.” Serge tightened the view on his binoculars. “And here comes a young woman now, loaded down with packages.”
“He’s glancing at her.”
“I don’t like this,” said Serge. “He’s a big strong guy, and if he wasn’t dressed that way, she’d be on the Women’s Parking Lot Alert Status. But now her guard’s down. He’s taking advantage of her favorable view of elves.”
Serge took his foot off the brake and idled forward.
“She’s closer,” said Coleman. “Looks like he’s getting ready. You’ll need to speed up.”
“No,” said Serge. “I have to make sure we’re right about his intentions. If I’m wrong and we strike too soon, we could needlessly freak her out by having her witness an elf fight. It’s an ugly thing to see.”
“Serge, he’s making his move! He’s going for the packages!”
“He’s not going for the packages. He’s just knocking them out of her arms.” Serge hit the gas. “He’s going for her! He’s got her around the waist. It’s an abduction!”
“She’s kicking her legs like crazy,” said Coleman. “He’s throwing her in the trunk. He slammed the hood shut!”
The kidnapping elf ran for his driver’s door and jumped in. Before he could back out, a Chevelle screeched up and boxed him in. Serge and Coleman leaped out and ran to the driver’s side. A punch through the open window.
Coleman opened the door, and Serge dragged the would-be abductor out of the car by his hair and threw him to the ground. The assailant crawled toward the back of the car as Serge kicked him in the ribs. The man finally got to his feet and took a swing at Coleman, missing wildly. Serge grabbed him and threw him over the hood of the Chevelle. The man jumped back up and pulled a knife, but Serge kicked it out of his hand. Then he delivered a nasty head butt, dropping the man to the pavement. Serge began stomping the daylights out of him.
In the distance, people coming out of the mall began to point.
“Elf fight! Elf fight!”
“Looks like the fat one’s peeing on him.”
“It’s an ugly thing to see.”
Back at the Chevelle, Serge had the trunk open. They threw the man in and slammed the hood.
Then they ran over to the kidnapper’s car. Serge had the man’s keys and popped the trunk.
A terrified woman shielded her eyes against the bright Florida sun, looking up at two men in green felt hats. “Don’t hurt me!”
“We’re not going to hurt you. We’re rescuing you.” Serge extended a hand to help her out of the car. “Please don’t judge all elves by this one incident.”
They hopped back in the Chevelle and sped off.
Chapter Thirteen
Extra early.
“Come on, Coleman! I got the engine running!”
Coleman stumbled out the door, pulling up his elf pants. “Why so early?”
“Because it’s the Christmas shopping season. Everyone knows all the best sales are early.”
Coleman climbed in. “You mean the ones I see on TV where a million people wait outside the store for the doors to open?”
“That’s right, mainly loving parents who sacrifice their sleep to make sure their child gets the year’s most popular new toy.” Serge threw the Chevelle in gear. “Then the store opens and they rip each other to pieces.”
The pair cruised up Dale Mabry Highway in the predawn twilight. Heavy traffic. Other shoppers and people with early-shift jobs-Dunkin’ Donuts, tollbooths, filling newspaper racks. Coleman smoked fake incense sold in head shops.
“I love this time of day,” said Serge. “The majesty of approaching dawn.”
“I know exactly what you mean.” Coleman puffed a fat one in the passenger seat. “Because if you like to get stoned, it involves a sleep commitment, and you usually only see the sun go down. But if for some reason you’re up now and get stoned before the sun rises, it blows out your tubes, like this one guy I knew was on acid and saw the sun go down in the evening, but LSD keeps you up all night, and then we went to the beach to see the sun rise, and he yells, ‘Look! The freakin’ sunset is going in reverse! We’re traveling back in time! I’m getting younger! I’m going back in the womb!’ Then he jumped in the ocean, and we found him an hour later hiding under the pier with all these jellyfish stings, crying and trying to bury himself in the sand. Man, that guy was seriously fucked up… What? You’re staring at me.”
Serge looked at Coleman another moment, then back at the road. “I was just trying to say sunrises are pretty.”
“So where is this big sale, anyway?”
“Mega Deals.”
“You mean that giant place that sells electronics and video games super cheap?”
“That’s right,” said Serge. “They’re selling the first one hundred Play-Box Fours for ninety-nine dollars. Whatever happened to real toys? Or just running around the woods with sticks. But today, kids asks Santa for a fortune in swag. What did you used to ask Santa for?”
Coleman exhaled a hit out the window. “Nothing.”
“How could you ask for nothing?”
“Because I was whining and kicking the whole time. The whole business of tossing a kid in some weirdo’s lap creeped me out.”
“One year I only asked for two things, because they were the things I really needed,” said Serge. “Keep it simple so there wouldn’t be any screwup.”
“Needed?”
