'Oh, for heaven's sake,' she said, 'don't start lying. It's been a long day, and I'm tired. Come on, I'll help you into the house.' Perhaps this was the answer. Perhaps it was best she should think I had been sitting in some pub. I got out of the car, and she was right — I was still rocking on my feet, and I was glad of her arm to steady me up the garden and into the house.
'I'll be all right,' I said. 'I'll go and sit in the library.'
'I'd rather you went straight to bed,' she said. 'The boys have never seen you like this. They're bound to notice.'
'I don't want to go to bed. I'll just sit in the library and shut the door. They needn't come in.'
'Oh well, if you insist on being obstinate…' She shrugged in exasperation. 'I'll tell them we'll eat in the kitchen. For heaven's sake don't join us — I'll bring you something later.' I heard her walk through the hall to the kitchen, and slam the door. I flopped on a chair in the library and closed my eyes. A strange lethargy crept over me; I wanted to sleep.
Vita was right, I should have gone to bed, but I hadn't the energy even to get up out of the chair. If I stayed here quietly, in the stillness and the silence, the feeling of exhaustion, of being drained, would pass away. Tough luck on the boys, if there was some programme they hoped to watch on TV, but I would make it up to them tomorrow, take them sailing, go to Chapel Point. I must make up to Vita too; this business would set us back again, the sweat of reconciliation would have to start all over again.
I awoke with a sudden jerk, to find the room in darkness. I glanced at my watch, and it was almost half-past nine. I had slept for nearly two hours. I felt quite normal, hungry too. I went through the dining-room into the hall, and heard the sound of the gramophone coming from the music-room, but the door was shut. They must have finished eating ages ago, for the lights were turned out in the kitchen. I rummaged in the fridge to find eggs and bacon to fry, and I had just put the frying-pan on the stove when I heard someone moving about in the basement. I went to the top of the back stairs and called, thinking it was one of the boys, who might report to me on Vita's mood. Nobody answered. Teddy? I shouted. Micky?
The footsteps were quite definite, passing across the old kitchen and then on towards the boiler-room. I went down the stairs, fumbling for the lights, but they were not in the right place, I couldn't find the switch, and I had to grope my way to the old kitchen by feeling for the walls. Whoever it was ahead of me had passed through the boiler-room on to the patio, for I could hear him stamping about there, and he was drawing water from the well that lay in the near corner and was covered up and never used. And now there were further footsteps, but not from the patio, from the stairs, and turning round I saw the stairs had gone and the footsteps were coming from the ladder leading to the floor above. It was no longer dark, but the murky grey of a winter afternoon, and a woman was coming down the ladder, bearing a lighted candle in her hands. The singing started in my ears, the bursting thunder-clap of sound, and the drug was taking effect all over again without having been renewed. I did not want it now, I was afraid, for it meant that past and present were merging, and Vita and the boys were with me, in my own time, in the front part of the house. The woman brushed past me, shielding the candle's flame from the draught. It was Isolda. I flattened myself against the wall, holding my breath, for surely she must dissolve if I as much as moved, and what I was seeing was a figment of the imagination, an aftermath of what had been that afternoon. She set the candle down on a bench, lighting another that stood beside it, and began humming under her breath, an odd sweet snatch of song, and all the time I could hear the distant throbbing of the radiogram from the music-room on the ground floor of the house.
'Robbie,' she called softly. 'Robbie, are you there?' The boy came in from the yard through the low arched doorway, setting his pail of water on the kitchen floor.
'Is it freezing still?' she asked.
'Aye,' he said, 'and will do until full moon is past. You must stay a few days yet, if you can bear with us.'
'Bear with you?' she smiled. 'Rejoice in you, rather, and willingly. I wish my daughters were as well- mannered as you and Bess, and minded what I tell them as you mind your brother Roger.'
'If we do it's from respect for you,' he answered. 'We got hard words from him, and a belting too, before you came.' He laughed, shaking the thick hair out of his eyes, and lifting the pail poured the water into a pitcher on the trestle table. 'We eat well, too, he added. Meat every day instead of salted fish, and the pig I slaughtered yesterday would have stayed in his sty until Quadragessima was done had you not graced our table. Bess and I would have you live with us forever and not leave us when the weather mends.'
'Ah, I understand,' said Isolda, mocking. 'It isn't for myself you like me here but for the ease of living.'
He frowned, uncertain what she meant, then his face cleared, and he smiled again. 'Nay, that's untrue,' he said. 'We feared when you first came that you'd play the lady and we couldn't please you. It's not so now, you could be one of us. Bess loves you, and so do I. As for Roger, God knows he has sung your praises to us these past two years or more.' He flushed, suddenly awkward, as if he had said too much, and she put out her hand to him and touched his arm.
'Dear Robbie,' she said gently, 'I love you too, and Bess, and the warm welcome you have given me these past weeks. I shall never forget it.'
The sound of footsteps made me raise my head to the loft above, but it was only the girl descending the ladder, certainly cleaner than when I saw her last, her long hair combed and smooth, her face well scrubbed.
'I can hear Roger riding through the copse,' she called. 'See to the pony, Robbie, when he comes, while I set the table.' The boy went out into the yard and his sister heaped fresh turf upon the hearth, and furze as well. The furze flickered and caught, throwing great tongues of flame upon the smoky walls, and as Bess looked over her shoulder, smiling at Isolda, I knew how it must have been here for the four of them, night after night, during the time of frost, seated at the trestle table with the candles set amongst the pewter plates.
'Here's your brother now,' said Isolda, and she went and stood by the open door as he rode into the yard and flung himself off the pony, throwing the reins to Robbie. It was not yet dark, and the yard, so much wider than the patio I knew, stretched to the wall above the fields, so that through the open gate I could see the fields sloping to the sea beyond and the wide expanse of bay. The mud in the yard was frosted hard, the air was sharply cold, and the small trees in the copse stood black and naked against the sky. Robbie led the pony to his shed beside the byre, as Roger crossed the yard towards Isolda.
'You bring bad news,' said Isolda. 'I can tell it from your face.'
'My lady knows you are here,' said Roger. 'She is on her way to see you, with a message from your brother. If you wish it I can turn the chariot back from the top of the hill. Robbie and I will have no trouble with her servants.'
'No trouble now, perhaps,' she answered, 'but later she could do harm to you, to Robbie and Bess, to this whole place. I would not have that happen for the world.'
'I would sooner she razed the house to the ground than cause you suffering,' he said.
He stood there, looking down at her, and I knew instinctively that they had reached a point in their relationship, through proximity and sympathy during the past days, when his love for her could no longer smoulder and be contained, but must burn up and reach the sky, or else be quenched.
'I know you would, Roger,' she said, 'but any further suffering that may come my way I can bear alone. If I have brought dishonour on two houses, my husband's and Otto Bodrugan's, which doubtless will be said about me down the years, I'll not do the same to yours.'
'Dishonour?' He spread out his hands and looked about him at the low walls encircling the yard, the narrow thatched dwelling where the ponies and the cows were housed. 'This was my father's farm and will be Robbie's when I die, and had you sheltered here for one night only and not fifteen, you would have lent it grace enough to last through centuries.'
She must have sensed the depth of feeling in his voice, and possibly the passion too, for a sudden shadow came across her face, a wariness, as if prompted by an inner voice that murmured, 'Thus far, and no further.' Moving to the open gate she put her hand upon it, and looked out over the fields to the bay beyond.
'Fifteen nights,' she repeated, 'and on each one of them, since I have been with you, and in the daytime too, I have stood looking out across the sea to Chapel Point, remembering that his ship would anchor there, below Bodrugan, and this was the bay he sailed when he came to find me in the Treesmill creek. Part of me died with him, Roger, the day they drowned him, and I think you know it.'
I wondered what Roger's dream had been, and whether, as we all do, he had created a fantasy that their lives would somehow fuse; not in marriage, not as lovers, even, but in some sort of drifting intimacy, intuitive and
