The Diary of a Nobody

In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out to avoid a collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the former entered the room, without knocking, but with his usual trick of saying, ‘May I come in?’

He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed to be in the very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor I broached the subject to him, but he did so of his own accord. He said: ‘I say, those Parachikka Chlorates have gone an awful smash! You’re a nice one, Master Lupin. How much do you lose?’ Lupin, to my utter astonishment, said: ‘Oh! I had nothing in them. There was some informality in my application – I forgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn’t get any. The Guv. loses ?18.’ I said: ‘I quite understood you were in it, or nothing would have induced me to speculate.’ Lupin replied: ‘Well, it can’t be helped; you must go double on the next tip.’ Before I could reply, Gowing said: ‘Well, I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I did not quite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my ?15 worth, as he had more faith in them than I had.’

Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner, said: ‘Alas, poor Cummings! He’ll lose ?35.’ At that moment there was a ring at the bell. Lupin said: ‘I don’t want to meet Cummings.’ If he had gone out of the door he would have met him in the passage, so as quickly as possible Lupin opened the parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped up suddenly, exclaiming: ‘I don’t want to see him either!’ and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupin out of the window.

For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and one of my most intimate friends should depart from the house like a couple of interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was very upset, and of course was naturally very angry both with Lupin and Gowing. I pressed him to have a little whisky, and he replied that he had given up whisky; but would like a little ‘Unsweetened,’ as he was advised it was the most healthy spirit. I had none in the house, but sent Sarah round to Lockwood’s for some.

FEBRUARY 20. The first thing that caught my eye on opening the Standard was – ‘Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers!⁵⁹ Mr Job Cleanands Absconded!’ I handed it to Carrie and she replied: ‘Oh! perhaps it’s for Lupin’s good. I never did think it a suitable situation for him.’ I thought the whole affair very shocking.

Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfully distressed, I said: ‘We know the news, my dear boy, and feel very sorry for you.’ Lupin said: ‘How did you know? Who told you?’ I handed him the Standard. He threw the paper down, and said: ‘Oh, I don’t care a button for that! I expected that, but I did not expect this.’ He then read a letter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, that Daisy Mutlar is to be married next month to Murray Posh. I exclaimed, ‘Murray Posh! Is not that the very man Frank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesday week?’ Lupin said: ‘Yes; the “Posh’s-three-shilling-hats” chap.’

We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.

In fact I could eat nothing. I was not only too worried, but I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon. If I cannot get streaky bacon, I will do without anything.

When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep over his face. I asked him what it meant. He replied: ‘Oh! only a little consolation – still it is a consolation. I have just remembered that, by my advice, Mr Murray Posh has invested ?600 in Parachikka Chlorates!’

Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and Murray Posh. The dream of my life realized. Mr Perkupp takes Lupin into the office.

Chapter XVII

MARCH 20. Today being the day on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr Murray Posh are to be married. Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at Gravesend. Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, although he declares that he is glad it is off. I wish he would not go to so many music-halls, but one dare not say anything to him about it. At the present moment he irritates me by singing all over the house some nonsense about ‘What’s the matter with Gladstone? He’s all right! What’s the matter with Lupin? He’s all right!’ Idon’t think either of them is. In the evening Gowing called, and the chief topic of conversation was Daisy’s marriage to Murray Posh. I said I was glad the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin. Gowing, with his usual good taste, said: ‘Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of himself without any assistance.’ Carrie very properly resented this, and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry.

MARCH 21. Today I shall conclude my diary,⁶⁰ for it is one of the happiest days of my life. My great dream of the last few weeks – in fact, of many years – has been realized. This morning came a letter from Mr Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to the office with me. I went to Lupin’s room; poor fellow, he seemed very pale, and said he had a bad headache. He had come back yesterday from Gravesend, where he spent part of the day in a small boat on the water, having been mad enough to neglect to take his overcoat with him. I showed him Mr Perkupp’s letter, and he got up as quickly as possible. I begged of him not to put on his fast-coloured clothes and ties, but to dress in something black or quiet-looking.

Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and all she could keep on saying was: ‘Oh, I do hope it will be all right.’ For myself, I could scarcely eat any breakfast. Lupin came down dressed quietly, and looking a perfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow. Carrie, by way of encouragement, said: ‘You do look nice, Lupin.’ Lupin replied: ‘Yes, it’s a good make-up, isn’t it? A regular- downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior-clerk.’ He laughed rather ironically.

In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting to Sarah to fetch down his old hat. I went into the passage, and found Lupin in a fury, kicking and smashing a new tall hat. I said: ‘Lupin, my boy, what are you doing? How wicked of you! Some poor fellow would be glad to have it.’ Lupin replied: ‘I would not insult any poor fellow by giving it to him.’

When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, and saw inside ‘Posh’s Patent’. Poor Lupin! I can forgive him. It seemed hours before we reached the office. Mr Perkupp sent for Lupin, who was with him nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought, crestfallen in appearance. I said: ‘Well, Lupin, how about Mr Perkupp?’ Lupin commenced his song: ‘What’s the matter with Perkupp? He’s all right!’ I felt instinctively my boy was engaged. I went to Mr Perkupp, but I could not speak. He said: ‘Well, Mr Pooter, what is it?’ I must have looked a fool, for all I could say was: ‘Mr Perkupp, you are a good man.’ He looked at me for a moment, and said: ‘No, Mr Pooter, you are the good man; and we’ll see if we cannot get your son to follow such an excellent example.’ I said: ‘Mr Perkupp, may I go home? I cannot work any more today.’

My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded his head. It was as much as I could do to prevent myself from crying in the ’bus; in fact, I should have done so, had my thoughts not been interrupted by Lupin, who was having a quarrel with a fat man in the ’bus, whom he accused of taking up too much room.

In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummings and his wife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round the fire, and in a bottle of ‘Jackson Freres’, which Sarah fetched from the grocer’s, drank Lupin’s health. I lay awake for hours, thinking of the future. My boy in the same office as myself – we can go down together by the ’bus, come home together, and who knows but in the course of time he may take great interest in our little home. That he may help me to put a nail in here or a nail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture. In the summer he may help us in our little garden with the flowers, and assist us to paint the stands and pots. (By-the-by, I must get in some more enamel paint.) All this I thought over and over again, and a thousand happy thoughts beside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon after fell asleep, only to dream of three happy people – Lupin, dear Carrie, and myself.

Trouble with a stylographic pen. We go to a Volunteer Ball, where I am let in for an expensive supper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An odd invitation to Southend.

Chapter XVIII

APRIL 8. No events of any importance, except that Gowing strongly recommended a new patent stylographic pen, which cost me nine-and-sixpence, and which was simply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. It has caused me constant annoyance and irritability of temper. The ink oozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at the office when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk to jerk the ink down, Mr Perkupp, who had