As I considered my own frame of mind and really morose disposition, I wondered at myself. The influences and experiences I was under, and had undergone, were indeed calculated to produce a condition very different from this taciturn, cross-grained mood.
Mademoiselle was as alluring, as delicious, as ever. My chagrin may have been caused by erotic exhaustion. I was sensible of a nervous or cerebral fatigue and needed repose.
'Come, come, Julia!' cried Mademoiselle, impatiently. 'You have sulked long enough. Answer the question I asked you long ago. You are in petticoats. How do you like what they expose you to?'
'You mean being made love to and treated like a girl?'
'Yes,' rejoined Mademoiselle with a too frank smile. It was a smile-I saw it plainly-of laughter, of amusement, of ridicule, not of sympathy or of tenderness. 'Yes; of having your secret charms invaded by the rude hand and weapon of a man; of his making himself acquainted with your nakedness and acquainting you with his own emotions at the same time that he learns your own most secret feelings. Do you like being a girl?'
'No, I do not.'
'And pray, why?'
'Because I feel I can be more.'
'More?'
'Yes. I was the wrong side up. Lord Alfred Ridlington may have enjoyed possession of me but I never seemed to possess him; and I do not think I shall have a baby. I had to run away almost directly. My womb retained nothing; there is nothing to germinate. I did not possess him as I possessed you and Mamma. I do not believe,' with a burst of ingenuous candour, 'that I am a girl or even half a girl.'
'What nonsense!' exclaimed Mademoiselle, a little testily. 'What did he do?'
'Well, I was amusing myself with that superb copy of Mademoiselle de Maupin, when he came in and began to make love to me.'
I blushed. Mademoiselle watched me closely.
'He took me in his arms, put me underneath him, removing my skirts, and pushed himself into my womb; and in a paroxysm of passion it happened, and it happened to me in front. I do not love him. Whatever my feelings at the moment I have ever since felt vexed, irritable, annoyed, and I do not want to see him again.'
'You are a strangely inconsistent young woman-but I shall insist on your taking all the consequences of your garments. You will have to be Lord Alfred's mistress while he is here, so you had better not be refractory, or I shall make your beautiful back again acquainted with the birch-and in the meantime now to convince you of your sex I shall put something up behind.'
'Oh, Mademoiselle!' I exclaimed. 'Oh, pray, do not!' I stood up and clasped my hands, as I thought of the terrible suggestion. 'Oh, pray, pray, do not! I will not be refractory, I will be as good a girl as possible.'
'I cannot allow any nonsense of this sort,' exclaimed Mademoiselle severely. 'A little conviction will be good for your mind and will induce you to take more kindly to your lover and his embraces. I see you are not sufficiently broken in. I am glad I chose Lord Alfred Ridlington to discipline you instead of his wife whom I first promised you. You must have your feminine character indelibly impressed upon your mind-and upon your body. Come here.'
'Oh! Whatever are you going to do to me, Mademoiselle? Oh, don't hurt me! I love my petticoats-I love being a girl-I will be as kind to Lord Alfred as ever he can desire.'
'Come here, Miss, and let me tie your hands,' said my inexorable governess, taking a long ribbon from a basket and placing it round my wrists, which she tied in front. Then, going to a candlestick on the mantelpiece, she took the candle thence. It had not been lighted.
'Now,' she directed, 'lie across that ottoman on your face and let me see this beautiful bottom of yours again.'
She pressed her arm upon my back and as I reluctantly yielded to the position she indicated, I half turned round and with bated breath enquired what she was going to do with the candle.
'You are not going to burn, to singe me?'
'Oh, no!' with a smile. 'I am going to convince you of the passage by putting this candle into it.'
'I shan't allow you. I won't. You shan't,' I shouted struggling vainly to free my hands, and half in tears.
Mademoiselle laughed. 'I shall punish you all the longer for your obstinacy,' she rejoined, forcing me down on my face.
I felt much surprised at the strength she possessed and exercised. 316
She held me down across the ottoman, one hand pressed on my shoulder while she ruthlessly turned up my tea gown and petticoats with the other. I kicked and struggled and consequently received a stinging slap as soon the skirts were sufficiently removed to expose me to it.
'There,' she cried, as I tingled, 'lie still or I will beat you until you do. I shall not permit this absurd nonsense, these crotchets. You shall just do as I bid you and be at the mercy of whomsoever I choose to subject you to without any questioning or reasoning on your part. I will have implicit obedience.'
She opened my drawers at the back. The exposed behind completely upset my equanimity. She not only carefully exposed my bottom but the colder air upon my nakedness made me thrillingly sensible. Placing her elbow on the small of my back to keep me down, she separated my cheeks until she found what Lord Alfred had sought and pierced.
To my inexpressible consternation, I felt something, against the opening-a very persistent, very insinuating force, the thin edge of which all the voluntary and involuntary contraction of my muscles was unable to withstand. I sighed and groaned, but could not escape.
The instrument entered. Another push and I became conscious of an expansion. I was helpless to prevent the entrance into me of a larger mass which was pushed until I thought I was impaled on a stake and which seemed to penetrate my very nature.
'Now deny that you are a girl!' exclaimed my governess drawing the thing almost out again causing me excruciating sensations; and then, when it was almost entirely withdrawn, reinserting it.
'Oh, oh, oh, Mademoiselle!'
'You naughty girl!' moving the candle to-and-fro.
'Oh, I will never be so silly again!' I cried, abandoning myself, perforce, to the like to-and-fro movement. 'Oh, oh!'
Mademoiselle continued.
I gasped.
'Oh, Mademoiselle! Will not that do? I am convinced I am a girl.'
And I tore at the ribbon which bound my hands.
'No, I shall push the argument home. Was Lord Alfred like this?'
'Yes, but-not so big, not-so-strong!'
'Indeed!' exclaimed Mademoiselle, never relaxing her infliction.
And then she slid her hand round my waist, and over my clothes and caught me in front.
'A boy, too!' she declared.
'Oh, oh!' I ejaculated, at the fresh influx of feelings she now excited.
'Prove that to me!' she ordered.
I held my breath and my tongue, to overcome, to do otherwise.
The proof was soon given her and I felt absolutely exhausted.
But she continued to hold me.
'I shall behave better than he did. I shall not withdraw yet as you have given me so much trouble. Just a little more.'
'Oh, Mademoiselle!' I cried, almost in tears, and clenching my teeth.
For quite five minutes she continued. Before she had finished I felt a very strange internal commotion. I buried my face in the cushion and submitted helplessly, hopelessly, quite reckless as to the consequences. It seemed an age, but at length it was over.
'A girl warranted not to have a baby!' remarked Mademoiselle as she at length moved away and allowed me to get up.
'It gives me diarrhoea,' I foolishly observed as I got up in a very sheepish fashion. 'No, nonsense, Julia!'
'Oh, I must leave the room, Mademoiselle!' I asserted. 'Well, it is high time to dress and you may go, but
