She nodded. I leaned forward and kissed her again with long and steady pressure. Her eyes closed, her lashes lowering like two tiny fans on her cheeks, and her body flowed forward as her lips came out to meet mine, soft and resilient and budding and full of hope, like the beginning of a new life. That was when I knew it, when I lost all doubt. I could take anything the white folks wanted to put on me, as long as I had this. Because this was it; I knew this was it; this was the number that John saw.
When we broke apart she sat there for a time, relaxed, with her eyes closed; and when she opened them they held a little laugh. 'Will you apologize to the girl you had the fight with?' she asked.
I began laughing too, deep inside. 'You never give up, do you, baby?' I said, adding, 'You know I will.'
Suddenly she said, 'I don't want you to.'
We both laughed together, so wonderfully happy. 'You only win,' I said.
After a moment she started to tell me how she came to know Stella. I tried to stop her, but she had to tell me, she said, she had to get it out from between us. A girl friend of hers had suggested they go there one night after they'd attended a concert at the Hollywood Bowl. She'd gone back once with the same girl. While she'd been hep to the play, it had only been curiosity on her part; she'd never been up with it, never even gone as far as she had the night I was with her. But what was great about it was that I believed her.
After that we had a togetherness we felt nothing could destroy. We felt we'd gotten over the river Jordan into the promised land. Did you ever just know you were right? No matter whether you were gambling or working or operating on a guy, you just had that feeling and you knew it. That was the way it was with us.
'I'm part you now and you're part me,' she said.
'I'm all you.'
'No, I'm all you, if anything.'
'Unh-unh, we're both it.'
Then we were laughing again.
We'd be married sometime the middle of July, we planned.
'People will think funny things because no one ever marries in July,' she said.
'What do we care what people think?' Then I said, 'I'll sell my car and buy us a house. A fellow offered me two grand for it just a couple of weeks ago.'
'I saw the cutest little place for sale. On a little hill beside Monterey Road.'
'Way out there? It'll take me a year to get to work.'
'I'll drive you to work every morning, but you'll have to arrange to ride back with someone else. Although I could meet you downtown every evening-perhaps at the P.E. station.'
'Unh-unh, a bar's the place,' I said.
Then we became serious and talked about means.
'You can keep your job until the first baby comes,' I consented, feeling very male and important. 'But after that it'll be home, sweet home for you, baby.'
'It might be some time before we're able to afford a baby,' she pointed out. 'You're going to be a schoolboy for about three years-don't forget that, Papa.'
'Oh, we'll have the baby whether we can afford it or not,' I said.
She gave me a sly, sidewise glance and began giggling. 'How do you know?'
I was startled for a moment, then I began laughing.
She wouldn't help me to decide about my job. Whether to quit and go to another yard or stay on at Atlas as a mechanic. That was entirely up to me, she said. But she did point out that I might be better off if I stayed on at Atlas and tried to get my job back so I could keep my deferment.
'One thing,' I said. 'Wherever I go, I'll keep out of trouble. I'll get along and make good on the job. You won't have to worry about that.'
She leaned over and kissed me. 'Don't behave too well, darling. I might not love you so much.'
'Anyway, when I enter U.C.L.A. this fall I'll have to go on the graveyard shift, and there might be a better bunch of workers.'
It was exciting, planning for the future. It gave everything a new meaning, an importance it had never had before.
Suddenly I noticed something strange and looked around. All of the cars that had been there when we came were gone. I glanced at my watch. It was a quarter to two.
'I'll have to run,' I said.
'You'll have dinner with us. We'll tell Dad and Mother.'
'I know they'll jump for joy.'
She laughed. 'Oh, they like you, really, darling. And they've already guessed how I feel.'
I paid the check and turned to kiss her. I didn't want to ever let her out of my arms, but finally I had to. Then I jumped out, hurried over to my car. I turned one way, she turned the other; we waved to each other. I'll never forget her smile just before she pulled away.
Driving back, I noticed the fields of young corn beside the road and resolved right then to get some place where we could have a victory garden. It'd be fun growing things.
For the first time in my life I felt satisfied. I didn't think of marrying Alice as a way out. I felt that it was what I wanted, what I'd always wanted. I could see myself at forty, dignified, grey at the temples, pleading the defence of a Negro youth. 'Gentlemen of the jury, let me tell you about frustration, a social disease, a disease imposed on peoples of minority groups over and above their control. It is this frustration that drives these youngsters to crime; it is as if society picks them up bodily and hurls them into it. Gentlemen of the jury, I say to you, it is as unjust to condemn this youth for a disease that society has imposed on him…'
Goddamn, I sounded like Clarence Darrow himself, I thought, laughing out loud. Then I sobered. Maybe by that time people would have gotten over the notion, I thought. Maybe they wouldn't be so prone to believe that every Negro man was the same, maybe they would have realized how crazy the whole business was. I sure hoped they'd have some goddamn sense by the time my son was grown.
But my mind wouldn't hold it. My thoughts were full of Alice. I just shook my head. It was one of those miracles. I was a different guy; didn't think the same; didn't feel the same. That was what it did for me. Set me up. Big tough world, but I got you beat now, I thought exultantly. Peace, Father, it is truly wonderful.
CHAPTER XX
When I checked back in I decided suddenly to have a talk with Mac. I was worrying about my job deferment. At the last minute I didn't want to have to go into the Army and lose everything-Alice and my dream and even my good intentions. So I swallowed my pride and turned toward the tin-shop office.
Mac kept me waiting again; but I waited. Finally when he saw I wasn't going to leave he beckoned me over.
'What's on your mind, Bob?' he asked, his big sloppy body overflowing his huge desk chair, and his eyes twinkling in his jolly red face as if I was the one guy he wanted to see the most.
'I'd like to talk to you about staying on in my job,' I said, swallowing. 'I promise you, you won't have any more trouble out of me.' It was hard getting it out but I made it.
'Think you've learned your lesson, eh?' He beamed. 'Got that chip off your shoulder, eh?'
I swallowed again, felt my Adam's apple bobbing in my throat. 'Yes sir,' I said in a high, weightless voice.
'That's fine,' he purred, looking about. I was suddenly conscious that everybody in the office was listening. 'Think you can co-operate with the other workers now without losing your temper?'
'Yes sir.'
He wagged his finger at me and said laughingly, 'Now you're just trying to keep out the Army-that's it, isn't it?'
'I'll admit I don't want to go into the Army,' I said. 'But that's not the reason I want to keep my job.' I paused, then told him, 'I want to get married.'
'Well! Married eh?' His big jolly face took on a congratulatory expression. 'Marriage'll do you a lot of good,
