“Yeah, she’s from England.” He once again hedged my question.
“They’re like you, aren’t they?” I asked, watching him carefully.
“Nobody’s like me,” Jack replied flippantly. “I’m a one in a million, baby!”
“Jack, you know what I mean.”
“I do,” Jack sighed. His expression got pained, and he was almost pleading with me. “You liked them and you had a good time. Can’t we just leave it at that?”
“Why did you want me to meet them?”
Meeting them had made him more vulnerable and more susceptible to my questions. I don’t know how it benefited him to have me around them. Mae had wanted to meet me, I’m sure, but he could’ve put that off. Or just not told her anything about me.
“That is way too complicated for me to answer right now,” Jack said simply.
“When will things stop being so complicated?” I had started whining a little, but I’d had a very long day, so I thought I had earned the right to whine just a little bit.
“That’s probably the best question you’ve ever asked me.” Jack sounded very far away and rather sad, so I knew the answer wouldn’t be anything I’d want to hear anyway. For once, I was grateful for his silence. After a very pregnant pause, he exhaled deeply. “I feel drawn to you.”
“That’s why things are complicated?” I sat up straighter in my seat, eager to hear what sounded like a legitimate answer.
“No. Well, kinda, but that’s not what I meant.” He glanced over at me, then returned his gaze to the road. “That’s why I wanted you to meet my family.”
“So was that like me meeting your parents?” I crinkled my nose. “Like we’re dating?”
“No, it’s not like that. You know what I mean. You feel it too, right?” His eyes flitted back over to me, then quickly away again. “Like you feel drawn to me. You enjoy me and everything, but you feel kind of compelled to be around me.”
“I guess,” I said noncommittally. He’d actually hit the nail on the head, but I didn’t want to admit to that.
“Well, that’s how I feel.” He had put himself out there for a minute, and he shifted uncomfortably. I realized he probably wasn’t accustomed to feeling awkward, and I felt bad for not being more honest with him.
“But… what does that have to do with your family?”
“That’s the complicated part,” he smirked.
“You can’t tell me anything?” I pressed. I knew that if I were smarter, I’d probably have everything pieced together already. Jack was probably growing frustrated with me failing to follow his little half clues.
“They like you,” Jack offered helpfully.
“Yeah, I could tell that Peter’s a real big fan,” I scoffed, and he just pursed his lips grimly.
“It’s really, really complicated, Alice. But…” He sighed again. “Okay.
That’s all I can say.”
“Why?” I demanded. We had already pulled up in front of my house, making the trek home in record time. He looked over at me, his expression grave but affectionate. “Why can’t you tell me more?”
“Honestly?” Jack bit his lip, and I could see the internal debate raging. “I like you too much.”
“That doesn’t make any sense! If you like me, you should just be open and honest with me! That’s what people do! That’s how it works!” I told him emphatically. His eyes looked conflicted and pained, and I thought almost had him, but then he looked down at his hands and shook his head.
“I saw your face yesterday.” His voice clogged painfully. “I don’t want you to ever look at me that way again.”
“I won’t!” I insisted, but we both know that I couldn’t be sure of that. I had no idea what he wasn’t telling me, so I couldn’t promise my reaction to it.
“It’s late.”
“Fine, be that way,” I grumbled and threw open the car door. “I had a really lovely time tonight and I hope we can do it again real soon.”
“Sweet dreams,” Jack smiled at me, and I smiled back, despite my frustration.
“Yeah, you too.”
By the time I made it up to my apartment, I was struggling not to cry. All Peter had really done was look at me, and it was somehow devastating. There was just this unfailing insistence inside me that wanted him, but I refused to listen to it. Jack and Mae liked me, probably more than they should, and I really liked them, definitely more than I should, and that was enough. That was more than enough! Why did I have to be so greedy?
“Alice?” Milo said timidly, startling me from thoughts. The apartment was mostly dark, and I hadn’t seen him sitting on the couch, waiting up for me. I had just been leaning against the front door, trying really hard not to cry. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just peachy.” I swallowed hard, then walked over to the couch.
Milo was talking to me, and that was pretty damn exciting. I pushed Peter and Jack from my thoughts and sat down next to my brother.
“Did you have a nice time tonight?” Milo asked, and I nodded quickly.
“Yeah. I did. What about you?”
“It was okay,” he shrugged.
“I’m sorry. For the things I said today.” I wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to say, or if it made me sound like I was sorry he was gay or something.
But it was too late, and I would just deal with how he reacted.
“No, don’t be.” He ran a hand through his brown hair and looked away from me. “When I asked if you were gonna be home tonight, I was upset. But it was because you’ve been gone so much lately, and the other night, when I thought you were going to stay home and eat with me, you left. I just haven’t seen you very much. I kind of missed you.”
“Oh, Milo, I am sorry!” My eyes filled with tears, and I knew I couldn’t fight it off any longer. He had just missed me, and then I had been so horrible to him.
I had been gone a lot lately, thanks to Jack, and I hadn’t even really considered how Milo felt about it. No, scratch that. I did consider it; I just didn’t care. I had to be the worst sister in the world. Really.
“Let me finish,” Milo interjected quietly. “But… you were right. I am attracted to Jack. And guys in general. I just didn’t know how to tell you, or even how to tell myself, I guess. So that’s why I’ve been so distant lately.”
“You know I love you no matter what, right?” I could feel tears streaming down my cheeks, and I threw my arms around him. He squirmed a little but let me hug him. “I am so sorry I haven’t been around! I promise I’ll spend more time with you!”
“You don’t have to.” He pulled back from my grip but stayed close to me.
“I know that! I want to! I’ve missed you too. And I’m just so sorry for everything.”
“You can quit apologizing,” Milo said, not unkindly. “You didn’t really do that much wrong.”
“I still feel horrible,” I sniffled.
“Yeah, I get that.” He smiled, and I laughed a little.
“We’ll hang out tomorrow. I promise.”
“Okay,” Milo yawned. “I really need to get to bed, though. It’s way past my bedtime.” He got up and started walking to his bedroom.
“Okay,” I nodded, feeling genuinely sad to see him go. “Hey, Milo? I love you.”
“I know.” Then he disappeared into the darkness of his room. I went into my room and changed into my pajamas. I curled up underneath my covers, and for the first time in a long time, I cried myself to sleep.
Chapter 6
At school, Jane poked and prodded me, then repeatedly told me that I looked like hell. I’m sure it had something do with how terrible I had slept last night, and all the strange dreams I couldn’t quite remember. They were mostly a blur of images that I couldn’t decipher, except for one clear image: Peter’s eyes burning through me.
