into her palm filled with her blood, which pumped through her body. How meaningless. Why was she born? To take care of her mother? So that some disgusting old man could paw at her?
She looked at Spot, and that was enough to make him wag his tail hesitantly. You’re the only one who likes me, she thought. But I can’t keep on living just for the sake of my dog.
She took a firm grip on the razor blade and pressed it against her leg, almost level with her kneecap. She wanted to watch it pierce her skin. She pressed harder and harder. It hurt. At the same time, it felt good, almost liberating. All her fear and pain collected there, in her leg instead of in her whole body. In one place. Finally the blood began to flow, running down her leg and onto the floor.
He saw Emma at once, as soon as she came through the door. He watched her for several seconds while she looked around. The restaurant was small, intimate, and very crowded. He was sitting in a corner at the back, and it was hard to see him from the entrance. Then she noticed him, and her face lit up. To think it was possible to be so beautiful. She was wearing a moss green jacket, and her hair was wet from the rain. It was unusual to see her in a restaurant in Stockholm, and he liked it.
They kissed. Her lips tasted of salty licorice, and she laughed into his mouth.
“What a day! I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I didn’t hear a thing they said. All I wanted was to get out of there. The course I was taking had absolutely nothing to say to me.”
“Were the speakers boring?”
He could feel that his whole face was smiling.
She threw out her hands. “I’m sure they were brilliant, inspiring, and super-charismatic. Everybody else was very pleased. But for me, none of that mattered. I just sat there thinking about you and longing to get away.”
Their hands met across the table, and Johan couldn’t get his fill of looking at her.
This is how it should always be, he thought. On the ring finger of her left hand her wedding band gleamed, a reminder that he only had her on loan. Just as their food arrived, her cell phone rang. Johan could tell at once that it was her husband, Olle, calling.
“It was good,” she said. “Interesting speakers. Mmm. I’m sitting here having a glass of wine with Viveka. Mmm. We’re leaving soon. The banquet doesn’t start until eight.”
She glanced at Johan. Then she got a worried look on her face.
“What? He does? That’s too bad. When did it start? Hmm. How high is his temperature? Oh no. Try to get him to drink some fluids… Is he throwing up, too? How typical that he should get sick when I’m not home. Aren’t you supposed to play a match early tomorrow morning? Uh-huh. Okay. You and Sara aren’t sick, too, are you? If he keeps on like that, you should probably give him some fluid-replacement mixture. Do we have any in the house? Hmm. I hope you get some sleep tonight.”
“That was Olle,” she explained unnecessarily. “Filip has the stomach flu. He’s been throwing up all afternoon.”
She took a sip of her wine and looked out the window. Just a quick glance, but enough for Johan to realize that everything was much more complicated than he wanted to believe. She had children that she shared with her husband and she always would. He had watched her as she talked on the phone, and he understood how much of an outsider he was. What did he know about childhood illnesses? He didn’t even know Emma’s children. They had no relationship to him.
After dinner he wanted to show her around. It had stopped raining, and they strolled down to Hornstull beach, past Reimersholme, and out to Langholmen. Even though it was dark, they walked across the Bridge of Sighs, along the path past the old Malarvarvet, and over to the other side. The lights from Gamla Stan, the city hall, and Norr Malarstrand were reflected in the water.
They sat down on a bench.
“Stockholm is so damn beautiful,” said Emma with a sigh. “The water makes it seem like it’s not a big city, even though there are so many people. I could see myself living here.”
“You could?”
“Yes. I’m always so jealous when you tell me about everything going on here. All the people, the theater, the cultural events. It makes me really think about what I’m missing when I’m on Gotland. It’s nice there, but nothing ever happens. And just the idea that I could be anonymous. I could sit here in a cafe and no one would recognize me. Just blend in with everyone else. Watch people and be entertained. And I don’t really think the traffic is so bad. It must be the water,” she said, looking out across the dark mirror of Riddarfjarden.
“Yes, I love this city. I always will.”
“And yet you would be willing to move to Gotland?” she said, looking at him.
“For your sake, I would do anything. Anything at all.”
When they went back to his apartment and got into bed like an ordinary married couple, Johan was struck by a feeling of unreality mixed with joy. They should be able to go to bed like this every night.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24
Saturday started out with snow mixed with rain, a strong wind, and the temperature hovering just above freezing. Knutas and his children had made breakfast and put a bouquet of flowers on the table next to Lina’s place. Each of them was holding one of her birthday presents, and they had cleared their throats to make sure that their creaky morning voices would be able to handle the birthday song. On their way upstairs they started singing “Happy Birthday,” each of them in a different key.
Lina sat up in bed, still dazed with sleep, her red hair in a cloud around her head. She gave them a big smile and looked with delight at the presents. She was childishly excited about receiving gifts and started with the ones from Petra and Nils: a book, nail polish, and a calendar with cute firefighters holding kittens. Lina had been in love once before, with a firefighter. The children liked to tease her about her weakness for men in uniforms. She saved the present from her husband for last. Knutas watched his wife with anticipation. He’d had trouble coming up with something, but then a brilliant idea had occurred to him. There was one thing that he knew she really wanted. In spite of countless diets and halfhearted attempts to start exercising, she hadn’t managed to lose any weight. Consequently, he had filled a box with everything that might help her out: a year’s membership to Gym 1 in Visby, a jump rope and weights for exercising at home, and an introductory package to Weight Watchers.
When Lina realized what his present was, her expression darkened and red blotches appeared on her throat. Slowly she raised her head and met her husband’s eyes.
“What’s all this supposed to mean?” Her eyes narrowed.
“What do you mean?” he stammered uncertainly and then began listing all the advantages of his gift. “You wanted to slim down, so here’s everything you need. If you don’t have time to go to the gym, you can work out at home, and Weight Watchers has a meeting for new members on Tuesday at Save School. Plus you get a personal trainer for the first five times at the gym, so you’ll learn how to use the machines correctly.”
Knutas pointed eagerly at the brochure that was attached to the gift card.
“So you think I’m fat? That I’m not attractive anymore? Is that why you’re giving me all these things? Because you want me to be more buff?”
Lina sat bolt upright in bed, and her voice rose to a falsetto. Startled, the children looked from one parent to the other.
“But you’re always talking about wanting to lose weight. I just wanted to help you out.”
“And you think this is the sort of thing that I’d want for my birthday? To be reminded how fat I am? Can’t you at least let me enjoy my day?”
Now she was shouting and she had tears in her eyes. The children decided to leave the room.
Knutas lost his temper.
“What the hell is this? First you go on and on about weighing too much, and then when I give you things to help you lose a few pounds, you get mad. What the hell is that all about?”
He stomped downstairs and started banging the breakfast dishes around. Then he shouted to Lina, “Just ignore the whole thing. I’ll take everything back. Forget all about it!”
He called to the children, “Here’s breakfast, for anyone who wants it!”
“And what about you? Have you ever taken a look at yourself?” Lina yelled from upstairs. “I could buy you an
