‘Sarah’s just shut down. She doesn’t cry, doesn’t do anything really. It’s as if a part of her died along with Robbie. I had to practically drag her into the car to get her to the sleepover.’
Nightingale felt tears prick his eyes. He felt totally helpless knowing that there was nothing he could say or do that would come close to easing the pain she was going through.
‘The twins are okay, but they just don’t understand. They keep asking when Daddy’s coming back and I tell them that Daddy’s up in heaven, so then they say that they want to go to see him there.’ She put her hands up to her face as if she was wiping away tears, but her eyes were dry.
Nightingale stood up and put his arms around her. She buried her face in his chest.
‘I don’t know how I can get through this, Jack. It’s too much for me.’
‘One day at a time, love. That’s all you can do.’
‘I don’t want to live without him. I know that sounds selfish but I keep thinking we’d be better off if.?.?.’ She tailed off and held him tightly.
‘That’s crazy talk, love,’ said Nightingale. ‘Robbie would be as mad as hell if he heard you talking like that.’
‘I miss him, Jack.’
‘We all do. But you know that Robbie would want you and the children to move on with your lives. You know that, don’t you?’ Anna nodded, and sniffed. Nightingale stroked the back of her head. ‘My parents died when I was a teenager,’ he said. ‘They died suddenly, too, and I never got the chance to say goodbye. One day they were there, the next they were gone. I thought I’d never get over it. But you do. Bit by bit. You never forget, you never stop missing them, but day by day it hurts a little less. Then one day you wake up and it doesn’t hurt at all. It takes time. It takes a long time. But eventually.?.?.’
Anna shook her head. ‘This hurt is never going to go away, Jack,’ she said. She put her hands on his chest and gently pushed him back. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I still get weepy.’ She forced a smile and wiped her eyes with a tea towel. ‘Go and sit down in the front room. I’ll bring in your coffee.’
Nightingale sat down and waited for her. There was a wedding photograph on the mantelpiece, and next to it a family photograph. Robbie, Anna and the three girls. Nightingale stared at the photograph and shook his head. ‘You stupid, stupid bastard,’ he whispered.
Anna came in with two mugs of coffee. She put them on the table in front of Nightingale then sat down next to him. ‘Sorry about that,’ she said.
‘Anna, you don’t have to apologise to me for anything.’ He picked up the mug and sipped his coffee. ‘How is everything? Money’s come through all right?’
She nodded. ‘The Federation has been a great help, and Superintendent Chalmers has been around twice since the funeral.’ She smiled at the frown that flashed across Nightingale’s face. ‘I know you and Chalmers have a history, but he’s been really helpful and supportive. A real rock.’
‘I didn’t think he had much time for Robbie. To be honest, I don’t think Chalmers cares about anyone other than himself.’
‘Robbie never liked him, and certainly didn’t respect him as a copper. But ever since the accident he’s been a godsend. The last time he just sat on the sofa and drank tea and listened to me for more than an hour. At one point he was close to tears.’
Nightingale wanted to say something sarcastic but he could see that Anna was serious. He wondered if he’d misjudged the superintendent. Maybe the problem that he had with the man was a total one-off, and to the rest of the world he was sweetness and light.
‘Did he say anything about me?’
Anna shook her head in disbelief. ‘You really do think that the whole bloody world revolves around you, don’t you?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Because you don’t like him and because he was here with me, you naturally assume that we’d be talking about you.’
‘Anna, that’s not it, really.’
‘It’s okay, Jack, I’m not upset. It’s just funny. You’ve always been like that; it’s your way. In your mind you’re the centre of the universe and nothing is ever going to convince you otherwise. So the answer to your question is no, your name didn’t come up.’
‘He’s got it in for me, that’s all.’
‘And you thought what? That he came round here with presents for the girls just to spite you?’ She laughed. ‘Your face,’ she said.
‘What?’
‘You look so shocked. Don’t worry, I’m not getting at you.’
‘I’m sorry, really I am. I didn’t mean to sound petty. But he’s trying to put me away for a murder I didn’t commit.’
Anna looked concerned. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Some drug dealer got shot in the head last summer and he’s convinced that I did it. He keeps hauling me in for questioning.’ He held up his hands. ‘But you’re right. It’s nothing to do with you. Sorry. And fair play to Chalmers, for doing the right thing.’
‘Is that what I am, Jack? The right thing?’
‘That came out wrong,’ he said. ‘My foot just keeps going straight into my mouth these days. I’m sorry.’
‘I’m only teasing you,’ said Anna. ‘I’ve known you long enough to realise that your heart is in the right place.’ She nodded at his coffee. ‘Do you want a biscuit with that? I’ve got some Hobnobs in the kitchen.’
‘I’m fine, thanks.’ He sipped his coffee. ‘I went to Robbie’s grave yesterday.’
‘Why did you do that?’
Nightingale smiled. ‘I took him a drink.’
‘You did what?’
‘I took a bottle of wine. Shared it with him.’
‘You don’t know anything about wine.’
‘I took advice. Chianti. It was okay.’
Anna nodded appreciatively. ‘Robbie was always a big fan of Chianti,’ she said. ‘Good choice.’ She forced a smile. ‘Why did you go, Jack?’
‘You’ll think I’m crazy,’ he said.
‘That’s a given,’ she said. ‘It wasn’t just to take him a bottle of wine, was it?’
‘I wanted to talk to him, and that seemed to be the place to go.’
‘Talk to him? You mean literally have a conversation?’
‘Not literally, no,’ said Nightingale. ‘It’s difficult to explain.’
‘Try.’
Nightingale shrugged. ‘I’ve been under a lot of pressure these last few weeks and in the old days, when I needed to talk something through, it was always Robbie I went to, you know. He was my father confessor.’
‘There’s something you want to confess?’
‘Figure of speech,’ said Nightingale. ‘I just wanted to talk.’
‘I can’t bring myself to go,’ said Anna. ‘The thought of him lying there, in the ground.?.?.’ She shuddered. ‘I’m not sure if I should take the girls either. There I am telling them that Daddy’s in Heaven, then I go to show them a grave and tell them Daddy’s six feet under the ground in a wooden box.’
‘I guess the two aren’t mutually exclusive,’ said Nightingale. ‘The body’s in the grave, the soul is in Heaven.’
Anna sat back on the sofa, a look of surprise on her face. ‘Wow, I’ve never heard you talking about Heaven before. Do you believe that, Jack? Do you believe in Heaven?’
‘I’m starting to,’ he said. ‘Though I guess I’m starting to realise that there might be a Hell and if there’s a Hell then there has to be a Heaven. But I don’t think that angels sit on clouds playing harps all day.’ He drank some coffee. ‘What about you?’
‘Do I believe in Heaven?’ She smiled ruefully and shook her head. ‘Of course not.’ She stopped smiling and looked at him seriously. ‘I wish I did, Jack. Of course I do. I tell the girls that Robbie’s up in Heaven watching us and I can see how that makes them feel better, but in my heart I know it’s not true. It’s simply not possible.
