Twelve Days of Winter: Crime at Christmas

Andy ‘Twitch’ McKay sits at the bar with a pint of Export, a broken nose, and the tail-end of a bad amphetamine buzz.

The Silver Lady is your swankier kind of titty bar – a long, low room with mirrors all along the back of the stage, so you can see the girls dancing from all angles. Leather seats, dark carpet, mirror ball sending bright chips of light sweeping across the small crowd. Not Twitch’s kind of place at all. Nah, he’s more of a ‘Monk and Casket’ kind of guy. Somewhere intimate, where he can get a beer with his mates, and maybe smoke a joint in the toilets. Where everybody knows his name.

Which is why he’s steering clear of the place. Keeping under the radar. Playing it coooool. And watching Kayleigh Jacobs work.

Hard dance music pulses from the speakers, trying to make a quiet Wednesday sound like a busy Saturday, giving Kayleigh something to dance to. She’s gorgeous: long legs, tight stomach, firm breasts, all done up in lacy underwear, sliding up and down her shiny pole like she’s shagging the arse off it.

Oh yeah. . . Twitch could be that pole. If he had the cash for a lap dance. And maybe a bottle of vodka. And a few lines of something choice. Something to take the edge off.

But he’s skint. The thieving bastards running the place cleaned him out with the cover charge and one drink. Now all he’s got is the fluff in his pockets, the shivering cold sweats, and the laptop sitting at his feet – the only thing left from a wee spot of breaking and entering last week. Easily flog a wee computermabob like that, though. Especially somewhere like this. Might even get a couple hundred quid for it. Enough to keep him in booze and drugs for a couple of days. With a bit left over so Kayleigh can make him feel special.

The number finishes and Twitch launches into thunderous applause, wolf whistling as Kayleigh takes her bow. She turns and struts offstage into the wings. A brunette comes on next, the music swells, the new girl bumps and grinds, and Twitch goes back to his pint. Watching the door in the mirror behind the bar.

His reflection’s looking better: the black eyes have faded. And yeah, his nose looks like a wonky doorknob, and makes this squeaky whistling noise when he breathes. Prominent cheekbones, sunken eyes, stubble. Hair long at the back and short on top: it’s a 1980s classic. Fuck anyone who says different. Camouflage hoodie top and drainpipe trousers. Strung out, fucked up, and no good.

Christ knows why they let him into the Silver Lady. Must be desperate to make the numbers up tonight.

He takes a sip of beer and scans the punters in the mirror. Not many people in yet: a half dozen guys out on a stag night; a pair of suits, drinking champagne and whooping at the girl on stage; and a couple of sad pervs, sitting on their own.

None of them want to buy a laptop.

There’s a flurry of activity just after nine – a dozen pissheads, all done up in Santa hats. They order whisky and vodka, then hoot and cheer as Kayleigh comes back on for her third set of the evening. Animals. How can’t they see she’s only got eyes for Twitch?

She’s spectacular. Lithe – almost rubbery – making him moan.

After she’s done – sashaying off the stage to a standing ovation, her pert buttocks oiled up and glistening – he tries the laptop on the drunken Santa hats, but they ignore him, not taking him on, not wanting anything to do with a scheemie wee junkie like him. Scared in case they catch something. He leaves them alone before somebody calls security.

No one’s ever going to buy this bloody computer. Might as well give up. Finish his shitey pint and go home.

Twitch slouches back to the bar and stares at the last inch of beer in his glass.

Maybe it’s time to get out of town? Give Oldcastle the heave ho and bugger off somewhere warmer and safer. Like Dundee, or Perth, or Hell. Even Aberdeen would be better than hanging about here, waiting for Dillon to find him.

Yeah, it was definitely time to get-

A hand on his shoulder. Twitch flinches, squeals, wraps his arms around his head.‘Jesus, you’re jumpy!’ West coast accent, soft and lyrical: female.

He peers out between his fingers as Kayleigh slips onto the stool next to his. She’s changed into a pair of leather trousers, high-heeled boots, a white crop top, and a frock coat in red satin. Up close, she’s even more of a stunner. Like one of them Greek goddesses.

She waves to the barman. ‘Steve, give us a V-and-T, and another pint for Mr Jumpy here. Least I can do for scaring the shite out of him.’ She smiles and he melts, except for one part which gets very, very hard.

‘Wow . . . thanks.’ This time the Export tastes of angels in baby oil.

Kayleigh takes a sip of her drink and leans on the bar.

Twitch coughs, crosses his legs to hide the stiffie. ‘Er. . . Hi.’ He sticks his hand out. It looks reasonably clean. ‘The name’s Twitch,’

‘Yeah?’ she looks at him over the top of her glass, but doesn’t take his hand. ‘That fits. I’m Kay-’

‘Kayleigh Jacobs. I know. I’m. . .’ Don’t sound like a dick, don’t sound like a dick. ‘I’m a great fan of your work.’

She laughs, tossing her head back. Her long blonde hair swishes up and over her shoulder. ‘Well, aren’t you a smooth bastard?’

He grins. ‘Thanks.’ This is exactly how it’s meant to happen, Twitch McKay: suave, sophisticated, and funny. She’ll see there’s more to him than the tatty clothes and the skittering drugs. He’s a man.

Kayleigh disappears off to the toilets, and when she comes back she runs a perfect fingernail down his arm. ‘You fancy a private dance?’

Shite. . . ‘Sorry, I kinda came out without my wallet.’

She smiles. ‘It’s OK. I like you. It’ll be my little treat.’ She bites her bottom lip and takes his hand, leading him away from the bar and through a little door on the far side of the club.

The private dance room’s not much bigger than Twitch’s bedroom at home: six foot by eight foot, with a large vinyl sofa and a small coffee table. She points at the sofa. ‘Sit down and keep your hands to yourself. That’s very, very important.’ Kayliegh slips off her blood-red coat. ‘You can look, and I can touch, but you can’t. If you do, someone will come in and hurt you. Do you understand?’

Twitch nods.

Play it cool.

Oh shit this is GREAT!

‘Good.’ She opens a wee unit and flicks a switch. Music fills the room as Kayleigh goes into her routine. Stripping for him, peeling off her high-heeled boots, trousers, top, till there’s nothing left but red lace.

Her skin’s perfect, her body’s perfect, she’s perfect. Oh God. . .

Just one touch. She’d understand, right?

She likes him.

There’s a sound down the alleyway, like someone being sick, and then they’re gone. Leaving Twitch alone in the darkness with his pain. He tries to clamber to his feet, but something explodes inside his head and he slumps back against the wall.

The man howches, then spits in Twitch’s face. His voice is like a shallow grave. ‘You want to try that again?’

‘I’m sorry. . .’ He stays where he is and gets a kick in the ribs as a reward.

‘You’re sorry?’ Pause. ‘Oh, that’s all right then, isn’t it? You’re sorry and everything’s forgiven, aye?’ The man squats down in front of him, grabs his hair and hauls his head up. Bangs it off the brick wall.

‘Dillon, I-’

‘No, you don’t dare “Dillon” me, Andy McKay. We ceased to be on first fucking name terms when you screwed up that B-and-E. You call me Mister Black.’

‘Mister Black, I-’

Dillon backhands him, the leather glove breaking Twitch’s nose again. Fresh blood steams in the cold alley. ‘Did I give you permission to speak?’

Twitch just whimpers.

‘Right, here’s how this works: I promised to write off your debt if you stole that painting for me. Nice and