'My health is perfect! I have a broken leg!'
'Same difference. The grapes are OK. Tuck in.'
I grabbed a large handful and munched rapidly before the Lawrence mitt descended again. I wiped my hands on my hospital gown and eased my position in the bed. The traction apparatus groaned and I yelped.
'Don't tug at that! It's all that's holding me together.'
'It's about time something did. I leave you alone for five minutes and look what happens.'
'I was foully attacked by assassins! Backstabbing felons! Cowards who ganged up on me four to one! For no reason whatsoever!'
Jay sighed, quite unnecessarily.
'What was it Norma said? 'You'll be sorry, Mr. Neptune. I have connections.''
'How was I to know she doesn't like curry? I gave her a whole voucher – ten per cent off at the Delhi Belhi Tandoori House. A Prince's gift! She's an ungrateful wretch – after all the pleasure we gave her. Hah.'
'She gave you a three hundred and fifty dollar bill for sexual services rendered – a fair proportion of it for after hours and kinky. You paid her off with an out of date meal voucher and a pat on the bottom.'
'There was never an agreement to pay her for her tawdry services. No contract. Therefore nothing for her to complain about. QED.'
'Bloody hell! Talk about splitting hairs! She said two hundred dollars when she walked in the door! And that was before things got kinky.'
'Ah, but I never agreed. A crucial point, my dear. Crucial!'
I rested my case. And my leg. That didn't stop her.
'And what happened as a consequence of your lawyering? Hmm? What happened?'
She claimed after that I looked sheepish, but of course not a bit of it. I was simply bemoaning the depth of depravity in the human soul.
'They came after me with – sticks – you know…'
'Baseball bats.'
'That's right – baseball sticks. In the dead of night. At eleven o'clock. When I was walking home from a convivial evening with fellow philosophers at the Grunt amp; Groan.'
'Staggering more like.'
'Staggering be buggered! I had the legs of them, convivial evening or not!'
'Especially after you pushed the line of supermarket trolleys into them.'
I sniggered. 'That was rather effective. Made a lovely noise.'
'And then…'
I scowled.
'Only the great Harry Neptune could get run over by a minivan full of strippers.'
'They were on their way back from a stag do. They were picking up pizza. And they weren't looking where they were going!'
I groped in the bag for more grapes, but Lawrence had scoffed the lot. I was reaching for the bedpan with a view to clouting her when the door opened.
'Time for our medicine, Mr. Neptune! Be a good boy now…'
'Nurse Benjamin, Miss Lawrence. Miss Lawrence, Nurse Benjamin. I knew Nurse Benjamin's mother in Antigua, you know.'
I'll bet you did!
'Did you know Whistler's mother too, sweetie?'
'Shurrup, Lawrence, I'm concentrating!'
'Get Nurse to fetch you a laxative then.'
Nurse Benjamin advanced, a broad smile illuminating her sunny face. I looked up. And up. She was a big girl. I sensed a theme developing and gave Harry a hard stare. He tried to look innocent.
'Nurse Benjamin is a direct descendant of the Bigaboobi tribe. Bigaboobies fill many lofty positions in the Virgin Islands.'
'I can see that, darling. Delighted to meet you, Nurse B.'
The young woman grinned, perfect teeth gleaming in contrast to her dusky skin. Her hair was black and curly, neatly pinned beneath a starched white cap.
Wait a minute! Starched caps went out with Dr. Kildare! This is no ordinary nurse…
'Open wide! Who's a clever boy?'
I watched, incredulous, as Nurse B deftly crushed a brace of painkillers, mixed them into a dollop of jam and spooned the mixture into Harry's strangely willing mouth.
'You baby, Neptune! Take your medicine like a man!'
'There. All gone!'
Attentively, Nurse B leaned forward to dab at her charge's sticky lips and I saw Harry's eyes cross, then focus intently on the girl's heroic chest. She lingered just long enough to give him a good eyeful, then stood up, straightening her rustling apron. I wondered which fancy dress hire store had purveyed an Amazon-size retro nurse's kit. An awful thought occurred to me and I hissed at the invalid.
'What did you do with the real nurse, Harry? I hope she's not tied up in the sluice room or something equally nasty.'
Harry sighed.
'They're on bloody strike! I was lucky to get plastered, I can tell you. For one moment, I thought I'd have to do it myself. Anyway, I had to go private for the convalescence. Fortunately, I still have P.H.U.C.T. coverage from my last post with Rope amp; Tackle.'
'P.H.U.C.T.?'
'Private Healthcare (when) Undercover (in) Crappy Terrain.'
'You're not undercover!'
Harry drew the sheet up to his nose and made coy eyes at me.
'I am now!'
I looked suitably skeptical.
'So, Nurse B comes with Plan A, does she?'
'No, Nurse B came with Scheme 3, sub-section vii, addendum 19d, actually. She's covered by the 'post- traumatic stress syndrome' clause. I've been subjected to severe mental cruelty and need succor in my hour of pain…'
'Succor!'
'I'd love to…'
At that point, Nurse B began to laugh uproariously, throwing her head back until her cap fell off and wild strands of dark hair began to spring loose from the mass of pins. She looked down at Harry, then at me. There was a distinct glint in her bright black eyes.
'Fancy a bit of bondage, Mr. Neptune? Seems we're already set up!'
Harry gulped.
'No! Scheme 3, sub-section vii, addendum 19d is quite specific. Stress relief. Not stress inducement! Fetch me my cocoa.'
Little and Large looked at each other, or rather the one looked down and the other peered up. I thought with some satisfaction that Jay might have met her match in Nurse Benjamin.
'Bugger addendum 19d. What does addendum 19e have to say? Where's the book?' My diminutive friend had a most unpleasant glint in her eye.
'Addendum 19e refers to restraint of temporarily deranged trauma victims,' replied Nurse B with what I can only describe as a wolfish grin.
