'Come an' give it to me, baby,' she murmured, hearing the soft creak of the bathroom door. Smiling to myself, I switched off the bathroom light, picked up the dildo and advanced upon the recumbent tramp. She was quite attractive in a teen doll kind of way, all long limbs, Miami tan, silicon boobs and big bleached hair. I suspected she'd been Botoxed and collagened for good measure, but if growing old disgracefully was the Lush's desire, who was Jay Lawrence-Neptune to call her wrong? I may look like Morticia Addams when I hit those awkward years. Hardly daring to breathe in case the trollop opened her eyes and scuppered my game, I grabbed a free pillow and clasped it to my front to replicate a stately male torso. Harry isn't thin and he doesn't have breasts. The fearsome dildo protruded from under the cushiony mass like a pink torpedo. Sensing my proximity, the Flyswat pushed her long fake fingernails through her tumbling locks and writhed voluptuously. Her tongue crept out and wetted her pouty lips. She groaned.
'Fuck me, Harry. Stick that great big beautiful cock of yours right in me to the hilt.'
Almost purple with the effort of repressing my breath, I knelt between her legs and obligingly placed the business end of the dildo against her swollen and dripping labia. As soon as it touched her cunt, she began to shriek.
'FUCK ME! Fuck me good, boy!'
Boy, indeed. Harry might be some things but boyish isn't one of them. I pressed my cushioned body against the squirming torso of La Lush and, with a victory flick of the wrist, drove the monster dildo home. There was half a second of stunned silence then all hell broke loose.
'JESUS! Yuh great stallion you! Oh yesss, yesss, YESSS!!!'
I had underestimated the woman. What had taken me several minutes, fifteen squat thrusts and copious lube to insinuate inside my own pussy, slipped inside Ms. Flyswat with effortless ease. The Knockwurst rumors must have been true. Ah well, I'd saved poor Harry from getting lost and having to ask directions. Lush continued to scream and writhe like a snake as I thrust womanfully on, knowing from experience that it wouldn't take long to bring my victim to a peak of delight. Her glistening boobs joggled wildly just under my nose and it was more than I could bear not to give the swollen nipples a tentative lick. Her smooth, tight flesh was warm and moist beneath my tasting lips and I drew the rising nipple into the wet heat of my mouth as she shrieked and clasped a rail above the bed. I pumped the dildo double-time into her cunt, as fast and as hard as my arm would allow. Suddenly, I realized that my own pussy was wet. Very wet. As she screamed her first orgasm, I threw off the pillow and pushed her legs over her head. It all happened so quickly, she still didn't know. She was so turned on, she was almost weeping. Her tight little bronzed buns were perfectly presented, ass and cunt wide open for the next assault. I grasped her cheeks and placed the very tip of my tongue against her ass. She went wild, thrashing around as I rimmed her tight little hole with increasing enthusiasm. Then I traveled north to taste the pleasures of her syrupy cleft, inserting my little finger in her ass to give her double the fun. Now, I could see why the guys flocked to suck on Lush's quim. She was one juicy mouthful. Just as she squawked out her second come, I heard an odd little whimper from beyond the porthole above the bed. Looking up, I realized that the blind wasn't drawn and Frippery Boner was watching the show. Her expression was interesting, a blend of outraged horror and desperate fascination. Her hand strayed furtively towards her crotch. Winking broadly, I blew her a kiss, then threw a blanket over the well-licked blonde, who was limp and incoherent in the aftermath of lust.
'Fire! FIRE!! Go to your station!' I cried, bundling the befuddled Flyswat out into the corridor and locking the door. A second form joined Frippery's at the porthole to pleasure and I heard a muttered 'any more of this and I'm going to spank your bare bottom.' I grabbed the tassel and drew down the blind with a decisive flourish. It had been quite a night. I stripped off the fishnet and made myself comfy in a thick toweling robe. I was just about to check whether there was a late night film worth watching on the little TV, when the bathroom door swung open and a large panda staggered into the cabin.
'Oh, darling!' was all I could gasp.
CHAPTER FIVE: 'WHAT MORE COULD HAPPEN?'
I had been married less than twenty-four hours.
In that time I had been socked in the eye and raped by my new wife, been donated a dream honeymoon by a decidedly iffy Vegas vicar who apparently performed the wedding ceremony, rushed half way across America to be hustled up a gangplank, encountered as fellow shipmates my ex-wife and her new husband who happened to be the ex-lover of my new wife, fingered a blonde weather lady and celebrity chef to orgasm at the Captain's table, fought off the ministrations of a Black Widow, witnessed my wife's debauched and accomplished impression of Mata Hari dancing the fandango, witnessed the murder of a singing Spanish gigolo (they are all gigolos), discovered that said Spaniard was an awfully unpopular chap to judge by the bilateral assault on his probably worthless life, licked the blonde weather lady and celebrity chef to another screaming climax, inserted the Neptune seed into the lady's willing mouth by main assault, pee'd on my wife, been socked once more by her in the other eye and knocked myself unconscious on bathroom furniture as I took a dive, and recovered from at least one hangover.
I think I managed to remember everything.
Under such circumstances a chap can do one of two things. Either is best accomplished with fortification, so I popped the remaining bottle of champagne and took a healthy slug.
'Oh darling!'
Mrs. Neptune dragged her eyes away from the TV long enough to examine her handiwork. I took a look in the mirror and wondered where my sunglasses had got to. I hadn't had such a pair of shiners since being ejected from the B-52 in sixty-nine (the bar in Guam, not the aeroplane).
'Why don't you bust my nose while you're at it, seeing as you're in the mood?'
'Poor Harry!'
She clicked off the TV and pulled my head down to give me a kiss.
'You've been up Swat's cunt! I can smell her! And taste her!'
'Harry darling, don't get uppity. You were there before me. Share and share alike and all that.'
'Bloody hell, you didn't even wait for me. Just left me at death's door on the bathroom floor (hey, that rhymes!). That does it. Next time it's the double titty rub with two-tongue orchestration. I'll drown the pair of you.'
'Speaking of drowning, next time you can pee on her! I'll have to wash the fishnet out and hang it up to dry.'
'It'll be my pleasure,' I said savagely.
I sat on the bed and glugged some more Brut.
Miss Lawrence recalled her incarceration in the bathroom and opened up a line of attack.
'Where the hell were you, anyway? I was strapped up there up for ages waiting for my beloved to come back and do his honeymoon duty. My nipples and clit are sore as…'
I cut her off.
'While you were playing single-handed BDSM I was investigating the murder of our late not-lamented Dago friend. After expert investigation and interrogation I discovered that non modo was he shot by some unknown marksman sed etiam another assassin stuck him at the same time with a deadly poisoned dart.'
'How did you work that out, Sherlock?'
'The Doctor told me.'
'That sozzled old wreck! He couldn't diagnose a cause of death if it was beheading.'
'Not at this time of night certainly, but he was compos mentis enough earlier to conclude that it was death by lead poisoning. It took one of the matelots to prove it was also death by curare poisoning.'
'How?'
'He stuck his finger with the dart when it fell out. He'll live.'
I stared at my husband in ghoulish delight.
'Good heavens! We appear to have stumbled into an Agatha Christie novel. Guess that makes us Tommy and
