the one of you helping Busti Noutalova to apply her sunscreen. Very nice.'
Busti Noutalova! The Russian porn star was reputed to sleep with her seriously enhanced, gravity defying assets in a patented sling. I squinted into the dazzling sunlight of the courtyard. Yes, there she was. I had mistaken her pneumatic chest for a set of pink water wings. Meanwhile, Dirk was doggedly thrashing a shrieking Iota up to a shrill soprano climax, his powerful suntanned arms effortlessly wielding a fearsome bullwhip. Her dark hair cascaded in a wild tangle over her shoulders, her slim hips ground against the stone column as if it was an enormous phallus. My fingers strayed to my pussy.
'Blackmail, Crapper, is a serious offense.'
Melvin appeared to be standing his ground. Good for him. I wrenched my gaze from Dirk and Iota to judge the state of play in the dining room. Would it be Sir Dastardly in the courtyard with the bullwhip or Colonel Crapper in the dining room with the digital camera? The tension was palpable.
Meanwhile, it was Melvin's turn to smile a sinister Godfather-ish smirk.
'And you are forgetting one simple little fact, Crapola. You are my guest here at Casa Melvin. As the popular song goes – 'you can sign in any time you want but you can never leave'. Or at least, not without my assistance. This house is very secure. Maria – will you come here, please?'
The Hispanic maid left her lunch preparing duties in the kitchen and approached the long polished table expectantly. Melvin nodded at Crapper and murmured something in Spanish. The maid grinned and cracked her knuckles.
'So sorry, Senor.'
I watched in amazement as Maria circled Crapper, who looked to be about a foot taller and a good one hundred pounds heavier than his dainty assailant. Crapper threw his head back and laughed heartily.
'You've got to be joking! What's this? 'Attack of the Killer Munchkin'?!'
Just at that moment, all hell broke out in the courtyard.
'Aaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Iota had reached the point of no return.
'Aaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!'
The diminutive Spanish maid launched herself into the air, Jackie Chan style.
'Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!'
Crapper hit the marble floor of the dining room.
Melvin smiled indulgently.
'She's from Caracas.'
'It's a wrap, guys and gals!'
Damn! I had missed my chance to appear in 'Empire of Sin'. Idly, I wondered what Melvin planned to do with Crapper when he came round. Softly, I tiptoed back along the terrace. There was another door near the kitchen entrance and I pushed it open a crack, to see if there was an alternative route to the courtyard and my discarded clothes. Alas, it seemed to be nothing more than a storeroom. I was just about to shut the door when my eyes adjusted to the gloom and I made out the lettering on the side of a large crate.
El Muerto
50 count
Made in China
Hmm, muerto. The very reason I was snooping naked about a palatial residence on a tropical isle. My curiosity well and truly piqued, I lifted the sackcloth that covered the top of the container and examined the contents…
*
'Don't I know you?'
Sadie Brown paused in the middle of applying soothing balm to her well-reddened buttocks. I smiled modestly as I swiftly exchanged the apron for my skirt and top. The girl obviously recognized a porno legend when she saw one. How nice. I preened slightly.
'Why, yes dear. Does Betsi Bouncee ring a bell?'
I wriggled, hoping she would not notice the suspicious swelling in my crotch. Sadie shook her head. Hmm, Betsi wasn't around all that long, just a season or two. I persisted.
'Titty Boomboom?'
The young woman frowned, perplexed.
'I've heard of Titty Little and Titty Galore but not Titty Boomboom. What is that, by the way? It's looking at me.'
Damn. It looked as if my secret weapon had broken cover. I had a small power pack in my pocket and I flipped the switch.
'It's my Muerto, Sadie. Guaranteed to set you on fire. Come for a ride?'
'Not bloody likely! It's enormous!'
'Yes it is, isn't it?'
I looked down at the huge vibrating dildo between my thighs. I can't say I've ever been afflicted with penis envy but whoever came up with that gadget certainly possessed the cure.
'It's telescopic. Look.'
Turning a tiny dial on the waistband control panel produced a fascinating in and out motion. One didn't even have to thrust. El Muerto thrust for you. And boy did it ever thrust. Fascinated, I turned the dial to Max and watched the rocket roll. Sadie finished massaging her buns and pulled up her panties with a satisfying snap.
'I don't do vanilla. And you're not fucking me with a Scud missile. That's final!'
'Vanilla! Vanilla. You're just chicken!'
'Vot iz dat man doingk?'
Busti Noutalova interrupted our cozy tete a tete. She towered over us, her balloon-like boobs almost blocking out the sun, like a double eclipse. I peered around them to see a rather dazed looking Crapper stagger across the courtyard, clutching protectively at his dangling gonads. It looked as if someone had confiscated his clothes. He glared balefully at me across the glittering blue expanse of swimming pool, then pointed at the whirring gadgetry that protruded from the folds of my sarong.
'Where did you find that? They're not on the market yet!'
The guy obviously had a very short fuse. His temper wasn't much better, ho ho. I stood my ground, hands on hips, legs spread for maximum effect. El Muerto wasn't just a supercharged dildo, it was also a very effective vibrator. I tried to act nonchalant but my voice rose an octave or two.
'Just lying around. Ooh, I say! It's rather good, you know!'
Crapper scowled.
'Bloody Melvin. Switch it off and give it to me. That's a potentially dangerous prototype you have there. It could explode at any moment.'
Busti Noutalova shrieked and clasped her super-sized bosoms.
'Nyet! Remember Chernobyl!'
I fixed Crapper with an icy stare; El Muerto relentlessly pointed at his flaccid dick.
'You're bluffing, Crumpet. There's a whole crate of these gizmos out back. This is no prototype. Finders, keepers.'
The large man looked as if he might implode with fury.
'I'm warning you…'
'Hang on, girlie! I've got you covered!'
A familiar voice called out, somewhere above and behind me. I glanced over one shoulder to spot the Colonel crouching commando style amidst the branches of a nearby tree. He appeared to be aiming some kind of weapon at Crapper. How on earth he got up there was anyone's guess but I hoped he could get down again without doing himself a mischief.
The remaining members of the cast and crew drifted back into the courtyard, holding brimming plates of pasta and salad. Dirk Dastardly smirked at the naked and paunchy figure by the pool.
'Hey mister – if you're hoping for a bit part, I'd say don't give up your day job!'
A muffled titter ran through the gathering group. Crapper turned a deep and unbecoming shade of crimson and sucked his stomach in as hard as he could. I suddenly became aware of a rather warm sensation between my
