too anxious to get into the john to pay him any mind.
He was almost completely dressed when she came out again. 'Leaving so soon, sweetie?' she asked. She started straight for him.
'Mr. Victor!' he wailed.
'Leave him alone.' I stepped in front of Elena.
'I'm just teasing him,' she assured me. 'I don't really go for problem cases. He should see a psychiatrist. I can't imagine what he came here for in the first place. Whereas on the other hand -' She wrapped herself around me insinuatingly.
'Mr. Victor! What are you doing?' Crampdick demanded.
'No sacrifice is too great for S.M.U.T.,' I assured him, running my hands over Elena's lush body.
'But I can't let you do this for me,' he protested.
'It's not for you. It's for S.M.U.T.,' I assured him, allowing Elena's embrace to pull me down to the bed with her.
'You're sacrificing yourself to protect me,' he insisted.
'The hell I am,' I muttered under my breath as Elena pulled my shorts down around my ankles and straddled me. The way she landed, I appreciated just how apropos her theme song was.
But she didn't move again after that. She couldn't. She was knocked unconscious by the sudden blow Crampdick struck her over the head with the bedlamp he'd picked up.
'What did you do that for?' I exclaimed.
'If you would go to such lengths to protect me, then I certainly owe you the same loyalty.'
'Thanks a lot, buddy.' I had a hard time keeping the sarcasm out of my voice. 'Well, I guess we better get you out of this place,' I added, getting back to business.
I eased the door open and beamed the light down the hall. It looked all clear. I took Crampdick by the hand and led him to the staircase. We made our way down it without incident. We'd almost made it to the front door when I felt the cold muzzle of the gun against my naked back.
'Goin' someplace, Mac?' I recognized the hood's voice from before.
Flashing the light up as I turned around, I saw that he was holding a girl firmly by the arm with his free hand. She was the tall, Slavic-looking brunette Crampdick had pointed out to me as a S.M.U.T. spy just after we'd arrived at the brothel. Mrs. Vendergash must have fingered her for the hoods, and now they'd nabbed her. And us too, it seemed – unless I acted quickly.
I acted quickly. I shot the light straight in his eyes, chopped at his gun hand, and connected with a kick to his groin. He let go of the girl as he doubled over. I doused the light and shoved Crampdick and the girl into the parlor. 'Go out through the window!' I hissed at them. Then I opened the front door and jumped back for the staircase. As I'd expected, a volley of bullets went out the door. The hood was crumpled on the floor, shooting up what he thought was the escape route.
I flashed my light quickly at the window. It was open, and they were gone. I doused the light and raced up the stairs. As soon as he was able to pick up his swollen crotch, it figured the hood would be after me. And there was the other one with Mers. Vendergash to consider as well. I'd have to move fast if I was going to get the S.M.U.T. people out safely.
Still, I had to be cagey. So I kept going past the first floor of bedrooms to the second. There I began flinging open doors at random and shining my flashlight into the rooms.
'Get the hell out of here!' Candlelight flickered in the first room. The naked man with the whip turned from his target and snapped the lash angrily at me. I ducked it and shined the light at his target. The nude girl, bent double and holding her ankles, shot me an impish grin from between her shapely legs. She wasn't one of the two I was seeking.
'Sorry,' I apologized as the whip cracked at me again. 'But there's no need to get nasty.' I slammed the door shut.
'What are you, some kind of voyeur or something?' was the next response I drew.
'I see your belly button,' I sang out as I slammed the door behind me.
'Jeez! You get more privacy in a parked car than in this joint!'
'Watch it! Your brake is slipping,' I advised, moving on to the next room.
'Hey! Can't you see we're busy?'
'I'm afraid you'll have to get unbusy, and fast.' I'd struck pay dirt. The body beneath the speaker belonged to the brunette S.M.U.T. pixie, one of the two girls I was looking for. 'It's time to go home,' I added to her. 'Your mother wants you.'
'That light is blinding me,' she complained. 'Go 'way.'
'S.M.U.T.,' I told her. 'I'm one of you. And the orders are to evacuate fast.'
'I don't dig that kind of jazz,' the man complained. 'I'm pretty broad-minded, but there's some scenes I draw the line at.'
'Don't knock it until you've tried it,' I advised him. 'Come on, let's go,' I told the girl.
'Can't you wait 'til I get my girdle on?'
'Hurry it up. I'm having a busy night.'
'Some nerve!' the guy called after us as we exited. 'Now what am I supposed to do?'
'Just start without me,' the chick called over her shoulder.
'Just how the hell am I going to get you out of here?' I wondered aloud. 'Those hoods are sure to be watching that staircase.'
'I know.' She snapped her fingers. 'Just follow me.' She led the way down the hall and pointed out a dumbwaiter set into one of the walls. 'You can work the ropes and lower me from here,' she suggested.
'Okay.' I helped her in and began lowering away.
Everything went well for a minute, and then she suddenly yelped up at me. 'Stop! stop! Sto-'
'What's the matter?'
No answer. I leaned over the shaft and shined the flashlight straight down. It lit up the bottom, where the shaft widened. There was a heap of garbage down there. As I hit it with the light, the girl was just crawling out from under it. Evidently the dumbwaiter platform had tilted and dumped her there.
Suddenly another head, a man's, leaned out into the shaft from the floor below me. He looked down at the girl floundering in the garbage pile and then looked up at me. 'You shouldn't throw her out,' he advised. 'She's good for at least another ten years yet.' He shook his head sadly and vanished.
'Are you all right?' I called down to the girl.
'Yes. I missed my stop. But it's probably better this way. I can get out through the basement.'
'So long, then.' I waved goodbye and resumed my quest for the other members of S.M.U.T.
Jock O'Steele was easy to find. I just listened outside a few doors until I heard the sound of running water. My light picked up a girl wearing only pasties and a G- string. She was lying on the bed alone. I guessed this must be Bubbles.
'Where's Jock?'
'Taking a shower. Can't you hear him?'
I certainly could. A booming, off-key rendition of
'If you really want to find out -' Bubbles stretched insinuatingly.
'Sorry, I don't have the time. But are you trying to tell me that he – umm – made it with you?'
'And how!' She held up four fingers.
'Then how come he's taking a shower now?' I was confused.
'He told me he believed in moderation so he was gonna take a cold shower to prove to himself he still had the will power to stop.'
'I'll be damned.' I crossed over to the bathroom door and banged on it with my fist. 'Jock. It's me, Steve.'
The sound of rushing water stopped, and the door opened. Jock looked shamefaced but rebellious as he confronted me.
'S.M.U.T.'s got trouble,' I started to tell him. 'We have to-'
But he interrupted me. 'The hell with S.M.U.T.!' he said. 'I resign! I've fallen off the wagon. And I don't give a
