questions.
I snapped out of my daze when I saw Jared’s expression. “See you at one thirty?” I asked.
Ryan passed us as he walked into the classroom, nodding to Jared. I noticed Jared watch him for a long moment, and then he looked into my eyes.
“Nina,” he said, a bit nervous. “I’m sorry about earlier. It won’t happen again.”
“You’ve already said that,” I said, pulling up one corner of my mouth.
Guilt displayed across Jared’s face. “I know. I just don’t think that I was clear.”
“You were clear. Consider it forgotten.”
His face seemed to relax, then, and he kissed me once more. “I’ll have your things back in your room. I’ll meet you there when you get back.”
I nodded and watched him walk down the hall. Before he turned the corner, he looked back at me and smiled. I waved and extended the handle of my bag, continuing to my seat.
“I came by your room about nine last night. You weren’t there,” Ryan said in a hushed voice, tapping his pen on my desk.
“I was sick last night. I stayed with Jared.”
Ryan’s face turned concerned. “You could have stayed here. I could have kept an eye on you.”
I smiled, knowing he was sincere. I appreciated his attempt to repair our friendship. The bitterness from before was absent from his face, and sitting beside him felt right again.
“I’m fine, now. It was just a bad hangover. I didn’t feel well all day.”
“Yeah, I didn’t feel the greatest, either,” he said, shaking his head.
“And yet you offer to take care of me? That would be a sad sight, both of us lying around, puking our guts out,” I laughed, shaking my head.
Ryan chuckled, taking my paper when the professor instructed the class to pass them to the end of the row. During lecture, a small square of paper landed on my desk. I smiled and pulled open the folds.
It was in Ryan’s chicken scratch.
Will you go to lunch w/me? (circle one)
I’ll lose my appetite if I have to sit across from you.
I already have lunch plans w/my husband.
Of course, I need to practice my slogans.
I wanted to roll my eyes at his childish note, but when I saw the expectant grin on his face, I couldn’t say no. I circled ‘C’, folded it, and tossed it back. Ryan always came up with the silliest things, and I adored that about him. Unbeknownst to him, he was a safe harbor from my other life, the one that had become full of shadows and uncertainty.
I watched him unfold the paper and read my answer. He didn’t look up at me; he folded back the small torn page and stuffed it in his pocket, a wide grin across his face.
After class, Ryan and I walked to The Gate. He was his usual amusing self, and I laughed every step of the way. A few times I noticed he would hug me to him, nudge me, and a few times he led me by the small of my back through the doors he held open. I had the distinct feeling we were on a date, even though that wasn’t the case. The only thing that bothered me was that Ryan’s touch didn’t bother me. It wasn’t the electricity I felt with Jared, but it felt expected, almost comfortable.
I didn’t realize when Ryan asked me to lunch that the entire study group was coming, but I smiled at the friends that filtered in and surrounded us. Over the next hour, we sat hunched over our paper plates of pizza that we balanced on our laps, the boys trying their best to keep their towering stacks of slices from falling to the floor. Ryan and Kim were inexplicably engaged in a contest to see who could take the bigger bite. Our ordinary moment was a welcomed break and I smiled at the laughter saturating the air around me, absorbing the sweet chaos I hadn’t realized I’d missed.
Ryan walked out with me and smiled. “You’re staying here, tonight, huh?”
“I am,” I grinned.
He prolonged our walk with a leisurely pace. “Are you going to study group tonight?”
“Are you?”
He shrugged. “I need to. I was going to ask for your help.”
“You need more help than I can give you, but I’ll do my best.”
Ryan kept his hands in his pockets, angling his face towards the sunshine. He looked truly happy, and I felt a warm tinge in my chest. I was hopeful that we could remain in each other’s lives, after all.
“It’s nice today. I could grab a blanket and we could hang out on the greens,” he said, purposefully bumping into me.
Jared waiting for me came to the forefront of my mind, but I didn’t want to spoil Ryan’s buoyant mood. We walked a few more steps as I decided how I should explain to him why I wouldn’t. I had experienced normal, the normal I had been desperate for, and yet I found myself giddy at the thought of seeing Jared again.
“It’s okay if you can’t. I’ll see you tonight.” Ryan said, squinting as he looked to the sky again. I was thankful that his radiant grin hadn’t faded.
I smiled in response and he pulled me into his side, kissing my forehead.
“Later, Nigh,” he said before turning toward his dorm.
I pulled in a big, cleansing breath of air. I felt renewed and rejuvenated. Even with the frightening things that lurked in the shadows, something had made it all disappear. I quickened my pace, eager to see Jared again. He was the only thing that could make my afternoon better.
The door was cracked when I arrived, and I pushed it open to find Jared looking out of the opened slits of the window blind. A smile immediately streaked across my face.
“Did you have a good time?” he asked, not turning around.
I walked up behind him, wrapped my arms tightly around his middle and squeezed. He folded his arms over mine.
“As if you have to ask. You should have joined us,” I said, closing my eyes and taking in his wonderful scent. When he didn’t respond, I released my grip on him and walked around to see the perfection of his features. His eyes were bright and cloudless like the sky outside, but they seemed sad.
“I didn’t want to interrupt.”
I smoothed the barely noticeable wrinkle between his eyebrows. “It would have been better had you shown up.”
He looked away for a moment. “You don’t need me with you every second, Nina. You seem happier sometimes when I’m not.”
“You think because you sensed that I was happy this afternoon it was because you weren’t there? Don’t be ridiculous,” I scolded.
“I think it’s good for you to spend time with your friends. I loved watching you laugh with them. You haven’t laughed like that in a long time,” he said as a small smile materialized on his face. It looked unnatural against the worried set of his eyes.
I hopped on one foot to pull off one boot and then repeated the process with the other. My feet felt as if I’d been trudging through a swamp from the uncharacteristically warm weather outside.
“Jared, what is it? Did I do something wrong?”
“No,” he shifted. “Can we not talk about this?”
“I want to know,” I said, keeping myself in his line of sight.
Jared sighed and cringed at the words he was about to speak. “I’m glad that you’re happy you and Ryan are friends again. Believe me when I say that as long as it makes you happy, I want that for you. But I’m in love with you, Nina. I can’t help but be a little worried knowing what I know.”
“I don’t feel that way about him, Jared. You have to sense that,” I said, touching his arm.
“I know,” he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes tight. “I don’t think it will ever become easier to watch him make you laugh, though.” He relaxed his face and tried another reassuring smile, but it fell short.
I raised one eyebrow. “Jared Ryel, are you jealous?”
Jared raked his hair with his fingers and let them slide to his neck, rubbing it nervously. “You asked, Nina. I told you the truth.”
