“For us,” I sighed. “It makes it more difficult for us to be friends.”
“I said I wasn’t going to fight with you about Jared anymore, I never said I wasn’t going to fight for you.”
“What?”
Ryan rolled his eyes and then smiled. “I love you.”
I heard the words, but I was still processing what he’d said before. I shook my head. “What?”
Ryan took a few steps closer to me and cinched his hands around my hips. “You heard me. I’m not stupid; I can see what’s going on with you and Jared. But I also see the way you look at me. And don’t give me that crap about how you care about me because we’re friends, either. It’s something else and you know it.”
I felt my cheeks flush. “I know you’re delusional.”
Ryan shook his head. “No. I’ve waited. I’ve watched. Today I’m sure. For whatever reasons you’re refusing to acknowledge it, but you know it’s there, same as I do. The only reason we’re not together right now is because you met Jared first. That’s not a good enough reason for me to walk away.”
My stomach felt sick. I hadn’t prepared for this conversation, and the fact that my boyfriend was listening didn’t help. Jared was waiting for me to deny it. As much as I wanted to scream at Ryan to get out, I also knew that I couldn’t eject him for the truth. That…and I wanted to him to stay. I couldn’t tell him he was wrong when we both knew he was right.
Ryan took a step closer and grabbed the crests of my hips gently with each hand, grasping them a bit tighter as he inched closer. He closed his eyes, and I pressed my lips together, praying he wouldn’t try to kiss me. I wouldn’t kiss him back, but I couldn’t tell him no. Either way I would hurt him.
He leaned in for a moment, waiting patiently.
I breathed out from my nose, letting my chest cave in. Something kept me where I stood, so it was the most I could move. Tears glossed over my eyes and I felt them burn, unable to close them or look away.
Ryan released my hips and took a few steps back, sitting on Beth’s bed. “Don’t worry, Nigh. I’m not going to make you choose. I’ll let you decide.”
I couldn’t look at him. I found a spot on the door and stared at it, a tear finally escaping down my cheek. In that moment it seemed fate had made the choice for me.
“Would you say something already?” he begged.
I thought my eyes might bore a hole into the door when I heard three consecutive knocks. I wiped my face quickly, terrified of who might be on the other side.
Ryan stood up and put his hand on the knob.
Chapter Fourteen
Five Days
“And what have you two been doing in here?” Kim teased, walking through the door. She looked at me and made a face. “Have you been crying?” She glared at Ryan, then. “Are you being a jerk?”
“She’s okay…I think,” he said, staring at me with a blank expression.
“I’m fine,” I said. I turned to the sink and splashed water over my reddened face. I twisted around to face them, drying my cheeks with a towel.
“You didn’t,” she said, turning to Ryan.
Ryan nodded and shrugged. “I had to tell her sometime.”
Kim looked at me. “And?”
“Don’t,” I said, glowering at her. There would be hours of explaining, but it wouldn’t be to Kim.
Kim’s eyes widened with innocent surprise. “Don’t what?”
“I’m not having this conversation right now.”
“Nina…,” Ryan began.
“Don’t Nina me. You show up here, unannounced, and then…say all this stuff that I’m not prepared for. Damn it, Ryan! You’re making this impossible!” I was so grateful for the anger that I didn’t stop to think if my words were making sense.
“I didn’t say anything you don’t already know,” he said, standing up.
I stomped over to the door and yanked it open. “I want both of you to leave.”
Kim tried not to laugh at my temper tantrum, and Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets.
“I’ll see you at study group,” he murmured.
I slammed the door behind them and stood in place, trying to slow my pulse. Adrenaline pumped through me like I’d been in a physical altercation. I breathed in and out slowly and covered my face. That was it. Any chance we might have had to be friends was over.
My phone buzzed and I jumped. I hesitated before picking it up, and then peered at the lighted display.
It was Jared.
With each ring, I willed myself to answer it but couldn’t. The only explanation was the truth, and the truth would devastate him. The phone buzzed again, and I pressed the button, knowing if I didn’t answer he would end up outside my door. I wiped my face and tucked my hair behind my ear.
“Hello?” I waited for a moment and my heart pounded through the silence.
“Are you okay?” he finally asked, the pain evident in his voice.
I pressed my lips together and clinched my eyes shut, trying not to cry. “I’m ready.”
There was a pause, and then Jared’s strained voice came across the receiver. “You’re ready for what?”
“I’m ready to move my stuff…I’m not going to study group, so I can help you. We can have my things moved by ten and we can go to bed and forget this ever happened. I won’t talk to him, I won’t go near him. I swear I won’t.” I tried to sound optimistic, but my voice broke over and over.
I heard a frustrated sigh. “Nina, you can’t do that. He’s your friend.”
“Yes, I can. I will,” I promised.
I waited for him to tell me that he didn’t want a weak, faithless coward like me living with him, but he kept silent.
“You don’t want me now, do you?” I asked, struggling to keep calm.
He sighed. “I want you. I’ll always want you. I want you here because you want to be, not because you want to prove something…to me or to yourself. I don’t want you to come here because you don’t trust yourself there.”
I dropped the phone, covering my face with my hands. Why would he want me after what I had done? It was pathetic at best, and at worst it was dangerously close to being unfaithful.
I sat on my bed and rested my head on the pillow, trying to cry quietly. I didn’t want Jared to hear and feel worse than he already did. Ten minutes later I heard a knock at the door. When I didn’t answer, it slowly opened. Jared stood at the door, looking as devastated as I felt.
“I love you,” he said.
I sat up and wiped my face, trying to look him in the eyes. He walked over to me and pulled me to my feet, wrapping his arms around me.
“I want you to come home with me,” he said against my hair.
I nodded. It was the only thing I was capable of.
We kept pace with one another in silence down the hall. Jared didn’t reach for my hand; he simply walked beside me, opening the various doors for me as we walked to the Escalade. When he pulled away from the curb I struggled to keep the tears at bay.
Jared reached over and gently placed his hand on mine. “Don’t cry,” he whispered.
I shut my eyes, praying he wouldn’t offer further comfort.
He drove to the loft and parked. Neither of us moved after he switched off the ignition.
“I can have Claire grab some of your things if you decide to stay,” he said, looking ahead.
“Do you want me to stay?” I looked down at our hands, afraid of his answer.
Jared’s eyes darted over to me. “Do you even have to ask?”
“You shouldn’t want me. I’m a horrible person. You must be so angry.”
